# Charmin Ultra, You Suck!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 7, 2004, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907 "2004-07-07T02:45:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/61 "2004-07-07T22:08:51Z")
Paper towels. You can’t go wrong with more surface area. (Unless it’s quilted; then you just feel like you’re ruining some old lady’s hard work.) ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/62 "2004-07-08T00:12:56Z")
> [@UrbanChic](#): > > I second the Cottonelle with ripples. Cottonnelle clogs the bejesus out of my 1950’s era plumbing. So instead, I use a smallish bird. Chickadees and siskins are too small, seagulls are too big, crows tend to fight back. Finches are best, and sometimes a grosbeak in a pinch. As a bonus, when you’re done, there’s nothing to flush: you just let them fly away. You want to trap the little legs between your fingers and wipe with their back, though. You do _not_ one of those clawed feet going up your dirt chute. ---
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/63 "2004-07-08T01:06:28Z")
There are a whole _slew_ of reasons that women use more toilet paper then men. Not all of these apply to all women, but probably several of them apply to any given woman. (1) As mentioned above, women have to wipe after both urination and defecation. Contrary to above, this does not mean they have to wipe twice as much. Most people poop 1-2 times per day, and pee 3-6 times per day. So assuming a woman uses separate handfuls of paper to wipe the front bits and the back bits, she is already using 4-8 times as much. (3-5 times as much if she wipes with one handful, hopefully front to back.) (2) Surface area. Most times, it doesn’t take much to clean an asshole. However, depending on physical makeup, a woman may have to clean inner and outer labia, perineal area, and maybe some dribbles down a butt cheek, every time she pees. Takes a little more paper to do, and a little more paper to protect the hand that’s doing. (3) Periods. While **Amazon Floozy Goddess** ’s description is a bit extreme, periods do create some mess. Even if you use tampons, you have to take them out regularly, and most women wipe their hands and/or labia afterwards. If you use pads as primary protection, or if you overflow your tampon, there is more of a mess to clean up. And this generally affects women 1/5th of the time, resulting in significant toilet paper usage. (4) Pregnancy. Women start having to pee more often early in pregnancy, and this often continues as a life-long problem afterwards. Given that many women have been pregnant at some point, increasing their number of bathroom trips in general. So, yup, we use more. You guys should sue :D. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/64 "2004-07-08T01:19:24Z")
Baby wipes, while too expensive for everyday use, are great. I keep some in the bathroom just in case the TP isn’t cutting it. I’m cheap when it comes to TP. My butt is acclimated to the cheap Marcel brand, so that’s what I use. And I agree wholeheartedly with the OP. I needed some TP once and called my sister–who was on her way from D.C to visit me–and told her to pick me up some. She came back with a two month supply of Charmin. At first I was excited (for once I had something that was truly a “namebrand”), but then I realized how bad the stuff is. After using it, I had enough lint in my junk to make a whole new roll! For my butt, the tougher the better. Twigs are better than lint any ole day. As for women and their TP usage, my periods sound similar to **Amazon’s**. Not just blood, but giant clots (even with tampons). And diarrhea. Also, when I’m on my period, I have to pee more than usual due to water retention. I’m tons of fun during that time of the month! But there’s also the fact that some women use TP for the application of cosmetic products. Like my aunt. She can go through an entire roll of TP in a couple of days simply due to make-up. ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/65 "2004-07-08T03:29:17Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Plenty graphic, but still doesn’t answer my question. I’ve known women to use half a roll in one, ahem, sitting. The cleanup you speak of shouldn’t require more paper than you use to wipe your backside. Maybe 10 squares, twice. On a roll of 136, you should get more than 6 sittings. Then it’s probably passive-aggression. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/66 "2004-07-08T04:33:47Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Same with Peru. No TP in the airports, shops, government buildings, hostels, etc. Even most of the nice restaurants didn’t provide any. After a couple of days you learned to grab a couple of dinner rolls before going to the bathroom. Because the cats had all fled the country, I presume. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/67 "2004-07-08T11:42:37Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > You want graphic? Put your lunch down before you read this… > > Let’s consider periods for a sec. Happens once every 28 days, generally lasts about 5 to 7 days during that time. A good amount of guys probably don’t know that a a period is actually the uterus shedding its lining (which would be used to sustain a baby if she were pregnant; thus, not pregnant, don’t need it). > > So, you sit down to take a piss, and not only piss comes out, but a gout of slimy blood and clots that look like little chicken livers. Because of a woman’s anatomy, it also tends to trickle down her ass crack, leaving not only a bloody coochie but a bloody ass as well. And also, between the times that she goes to the washroom, the blood that collects in her sanitary pad also gets matted into her pubic hair. Gotta get that out too. > > As well, the cramps that go along with periods can also induce diarrhea. So here you are stuck with bloody, pissy, slimy, caked-haired, shitty genitals and ass. > > Wouldn’t _you_ use a lot of toilet paper, too? Yep, sounds accurate. Can’t use tampons, not on the pill, and have always had heavy periods. Been to the doctor, says I’m normal. Fortunately the bad stuff is only 2-3 days out of the whole process. And we don’t sit around like that, we clean up, so it’s not THAT gross. ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/68 "2004-07-08T12:31:37Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Why the fuck do women need so much toilet paper? Get as graphic as you need to, please. Personally, because there’s nothing worse than walking around feeling squishy. (another Scott’s lover here. It gets me drizabone) ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/69 "2004-07-08T20:41:45Z")
I suppose this is as good a time as any to mention the post-coital globs… Think gravity. ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/70 "2004-07-09T11:54:19Z")
I can’t believe no one’s posted the [Master’s](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_373.html) take on this yet. I hate Charmin, too. Those shitting bears creep me out. ---
**Author:** ![Vision\_of\_Love](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Vision\_of\_Love](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vision_of_Love)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/71 "2004-07-09T12:33:06Z")
> [@Marlitharn](#): > > I hate Charmin, too. Those shitting bears creep me out. The little girl bear is hilarious when she jams both paws into her crotch. ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2004, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/72 "2004-07-09T19:03:36Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > One thing I have about the big rolls is that they don’t fit on the dispenser. They get all jammed in there and when you try to unroll some, it rips and you get hamster cage stuff all over the floor. What kind of giant freak dispensers do people have that they can buy the fat rolls? Word. I use only Cottonelle single rolls. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/73 "2004-07-10T04:35:58Z")
Target brand unscented. Scented toilet tissue and tampons I do not trust. I will accept scented sanitary napkins, considering the alternative for even the most clean-living. I bought some Charmin once when I was at the gas station and all the other stores were closed. I regretted it – one pack of Charmin did not last me a week. ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2004, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907/74 "2004-07-12T08:06:18Z")
Tusa: limpia, rasca y desenreda (corncob: cleanses, scratches and untangles) 😃 Write me down as another “the rougher the better” TP user. Lint in my arse is not fun. My navel on the other hand… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/charmin-ultra-you-suck/253907.md?page=3)