# Cheating in relationships **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 25, 2005, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114 "2005-07-25T21:19:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/61 "2005-07-26T15:11:55Z")
I wouldn’t say it’s acceptible, but in my circle of acquaintances (most are just people I know, not actual friends) it seems pretty common. After awhile, one might think that being faithful is the exception, not the rule. Really it’s a mentality that the objective isn’t to find a nice stable relationship, it’s to bang whoever and whatever you can get away with. There are some guys who really do believe that the purpose of marriage is just to have some kids, but that it is perfectly ok to have a little side action as long as the woman is taken care of. The thing is, if it’s relatively easy for you to meet people, I imagine (well…I don’t have to imagine 😃 ) that “finding that special someone” becomes harder because you realize just how quickly that specialness can come and go. If you are the type of person who has trouble meeting people that way, every relationship is more precious…and that can be creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/62 "2005-07-26T15:17:48Z")
Never cheated, never will. I’ve had two ex-wives screw around on me. I don’t _EVER_ want to be the source of that much grief and misery to another human being who never did anything bad to me. I guess I’m old-fashioned. When I make a promise, I keep it. And I promised to “foresake all others”. ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/63 "2005-07-26T15:24:28Z")
I personally can not think of any justifiable circumstance for cheating. If you disrespect your partner enough to deceive them and purposely do something you know will hurt them, obviously you don’t care about the relationship enough for it to continue. Save the feelings of the person you supposedly care for and break it off beforehand. It may be harder at the time, but better in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/64 "2005-07-26T15:41:57Z")
Just to provide some food for thought…my husband never knew that I had cheated on him. When I asked for a divorce, he made a no-holds-barred attempt to kill me. You just can’t always know what all the factors are that drive other people’s decisions. ---
**Author:** ![SemperFi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@SemperFi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SemperFi)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/65 "2005-07-26T15:42:04Z")
> [@Ludy](#): > > I personally can not think of any justifiable circumstance for cheating. If you disrespect your partner enough to deceive them and purposely do something you know will hurt them, obviously you don’t care about the relationship enough for it to continue. Save the feelings of the person you supposedly care for and break it off beforehand. It may be harder at the time, but better in the long run. My goal, when I cheated, was to make sure I never hurt either party. I know, I know, that’s stretching the odds. But, as it turns out, I never got caught and never hurt anyone (except when we later broke up – which was indirectly related to my lack of dedication to the relationship, obviously, but also had other causes). In fact (rationalization no. – am I up to 7?), in a couple of cases I told myself I was cheating because I was in a sort of dead-end relationship that wasn’t really getting it done for either of us, but that was “comfortable” enough that ending it would have been hard. Yes, OF COURSE that’s craven, but the few breakups I’ve consciously initiated have been very, very unpleasant (no surprise, but being raised to avoid making women cry had the perverse effect of inducing me to avoid the breakup by doing something that, if they found out about it, would be even worse. Fortunately, they never did). I know it doesn’t make it “better” that I kept both of them very happy and was “good” to them (apart from the infidelity, which I admit is a big “apart from”). ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/66 "2005-07-26T15:44:08Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > Not to hijack this _too_ much, but I disagree. Saying that one is “open minded” is very normative. I attach no normative value to being open enough to tolerate certain kinds of infidelity. Normative? When it comes to the spectrum of openmindedness, I don’t see a standard amongst humanity. > [@Diogenes](#): > > I think wishing someone were “more open minded” implies a belief that they are currently closed-minded or intolerant. It’s the wrong choice of words when it comes to fidelity in a relationship. In the context used, it in no way implies her SO is ‘closed-minded’ in the general sense, it’s talking about a very specific idea. Her SO is not open to polyamory; he is closed-minded towards it. And it’s okay to put it that way, if you strip ‘Closed-Minded’ of its negative connotations. I’m closed-minded or intolerant to having my eyes gouged out, for instance. Doesn’t mean I’m not generally open-minded. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/67 "2005-07-26T15:56:33Z")
Been married six years, never cheated. I don’t imagine I ever would, for a variety of reasons, but to use the same disclaimer someone else did earlier, I’ve not exactly been peppered with offers, either. In addition to loving my wife and not ever, ever wanting to do that to her, I also know that I’d be as skilled at lying to her as I am at playing a good game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket, and I’d probably get caught about five seconds before I actually cheated. I have an enormous guilty conscious, and I really can’t fathom myself trying to have an affair. No thanks. I found the woman I want to spend my life with. I don’t need that kind of stress. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![leandroc76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bb73d2/32.png) [@leandroc76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leandroc76)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/68 "2005-07-26T16:34:21Z")
I don’t or have I ever cheated. I have thought about it, and I have been in situations where I could have, but never did. The more the situations arise, the more I think of doing it. The sooner the marriage comes, the more I want to cheat. Is this a problem? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/69 "2005-07-26T16:48:05Z")
> [@leandroc76](#): > > I don’t or have I ever cheated. > I have thought about it, and I have been in situations where I could have, but never did. The more the situations arise, the more I think of doing it. The sooner the marriage comes, the more I want to cheat. > > Is this a problem? If your desire to cheat is actually directly proportional to the approach of the wedding date, then you probably do need to step back and evaluate why you want to cheat. Is there someone specific you’re interested in cheating with, or is this a general desire to be with someone other than your SO? ---
**Author:** ![leandroc76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bb73d2/32.png) [@leandroc76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leandroc76)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/70 "2005-07-26T17:02:15Z")
There is no person of consequence that I want to cheat with. I love my SO, we have been together for over seven years. I just THINK about it more and more. ---
**Author:** ![TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBoneyKingofNowhere)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/71 "2005-07-26T17:08:21Z")
> [@leandroc76](#): > > I don’t or have I ever cheated. > > The more the situations arise, the more I think of doing it. The sooner the marriage comes, the more I want to cheat. > > Is this a problem? See, this is the problem. It’s a mindset. (Wedding advice aside), you’re conscious of these situations, and (not less than occasionally), you recognize the “what if” scenario of cheating. It crosses your mind, and the real question is what comes first, a) recognizing it when you get into these “situations” or b) wondering how much of a part you’re actually playing when it comes to being in these “situations” (whether it’s intentional or not). I once had a girl say to me years ago, “do you know how many times I’ve had the opportunity to cheat on you, but didn’t” — like she wanted a fcking medal or something. I knew it was over from that point forward. Good thing too, 'cause she ended up cheating on her next boyfriend, then eventual husband. Who knows who the father of her three kids are, but I thank GOD I had nothing to do with them. Imagine if I had respected her ability to “not” cheat on me. I just don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/72 "2005-07-26T17:09:25Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Really it’s a mentality that the objective isn’t to find a nice stable relationship, it’s to bang whoever and whatever you can get away with. That’s not it at all. I can completely understand someone who doesn’t want a stable relationship, and who just wants to sleep with a succession of different people. I was that guy for quite a while in my early twenties. The thing is, though, you can be that person without cheating on someone and hurting them. All it takes is honesty. A person who cheats is someone who is either too dishonest or too insecure to admit that they need the stable relationship _and_ the different sexual partners. They don’t have the wilpower to resist the outside temptations, and they don’t have the courage to break off the relationship before sleeping around. > [@msmith537](#): > > There are some guys who really do believe that the purpose of marriage is just to have some kids, but that it is perfectly ok to have a little side action as long as the woman is taken care of. Well, if they really believe that, and if they think that it’s a reasonable and viable way of living, then they should have the guts to stand by their beliefs and actually tell their partners what they are doing. After all, if this is such a natural thing, surely she won’t mind? I’m not a sexual prude who believes that we should all be permanently monogamous. I have a much sympathy for the notion that humans can be serial monogamists, or even polyamorous. I have no problem with the concept of “open relationships.” But these things need to be built on honesty and trust, not on rat-like skulking. > [@msmith537](#): > > The thing is, if it’s relatively easy for you to meet people, I imagine (well…I don’t have to imagine 😃 ) that “finding that special someone” becomes harder because you realize just how quickly that specialness can come and go. If you are the type of person who has trouble meeting people that way, every relationship is more precious…and that can be creepy. This is the second time that you’ve made simplistic equations between monogamy and a person’s attractiveness of ease of interaction with the opposite sex. It might surprise you to know that there are plenty of people out there who have no trouble meeting people, and yet who still believe in the concepts of honesty and trust in each particular relationship that they have. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/73 "2005-07-26T17:15:56Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > Don’t take this personally **Push** , I don’t even know you. But for some of us the roles you admit to are unfathomable and to my mind abominable. Don’t get me wrong, I find it facinating that a conscience can be so different from mine–I’ve learned not to judge IRL. Really. > > Would you be interested in explaining the thought process that makes it OK to a) cheat and b) be the other guy? In the friendliest possible way I guess I’m asking you: why no apologies? Why should I not think you are a “selfish bastard”? > > Really, I’m curious. Because my wife has cheated on me and she insists the only regret she has is that I found out; and the other guy has no idea why I think he’s among the lowest form of human scum to disgrace the planet. What am I (and others) missing? I haven’t been back to the board since I posted this… and now I see the thread has gotten a lot more replies. I haven’t read them all… I am just going to respond to Iniqo and that may answer other people’s questions as well. Men cheat because… They want to… It’s really that simple. They want to feel desired. They want to feel sexy. They want to feel a different body. It’s selfish and has everything to do with self-esteem. So does an unfathomable amount of other things we all do everyday. I’m not justifying. Maybe rationalizing. I make no apologies because what’s the point? It happened. It’s done. Would it happen again? Having done it… I now understand myself better and know that I wouldn’t put myself in the position to have that want. That might mean I’ll never get married. That might mean I’m never in a closed relationship again. Or it might mean that when I find the right woman… really the right woman… that desire won’t come. For background- The woman I cheated on doesn’t know… and it was shortly made moot by her decision to want to be in an open relationship… She asked for something I didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship. and then it just recently ended altogether. Inigo I understand where your wife is coming from… I think it is cold and… wow you’re a saint if you are staying with her… But is it truly that her only regret is that you found out? Or is it that she hurt you? She might be saying the one and you are only hearing the other… Wow that was a Dr. Phil moment. Being the other man… Women cheat because they are unhappy in the relationship. There’s something inside them that isn’t getting what they need from their partner. When I was the other man, this was a woman I really cared about. I was 19 or 20. She came back into my life… I’m still in her life as a friend and the guy is long gone. I really don’t have any thing more to say on that. I’m sure I didn’t shake up anyone’s worlds right here. Ultimately those who understand do… and those that don’t probably never will. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/74 "2005-07-26T17:19:27Z")
> [@Push You Down](#): > > For background- The woman I cheated on doesn’t know… and it was shortly made moot by her decision to want to be in an open relationship… She asked for something I didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship. and then it just recently ended altogether. This paragraph is a little confusing. Let me know if i’m misunderstanding you. You cheated on this woman, and she didn’t know about it. A little later, she told you that she wanted to be in an open relationship. You didn’t want this because you felt that it would jeopardize the relationship. Do i have that right? ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/75 "2005-07-26T17:28:32Z")
Oh, goodness. The first serious relationship I ever had, I was cheated on upwards of 10 times. This totally ruined my self esteem but nonetheless I kept going back for more. More cheating, more hurt feelings, and more low self esteem. To justify it in my own twisted, naive little head, I convinced myself that it was okay, not that big of a deal. So obviously, if it was no big deal, and he was doing it to me, why couldn’t I do the same thing? So I did, a few times, while I was dating him. And I thought it was okay. I later dumped his sorry ass. I have done it once to my current SO. I admitted it to him and the look on his face brought back all the bad feelings I had when I was the one finding out about it. It is enough to make me very sure to be on the straight and narrow. I’m still working on changing my perception about the real harm that cheating can cause. -foxy ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/76 "2005-07-26T17:35:28Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > This is the second time that you’ve made simplistic equations between monogamy and a person’s attractiveness of ease of interaction with the opposite sex. It might surprise you to know that there are plenty of people out there who have no trouble meeting people, and yet who still believe in the concepts of honesty and trust in each particular relationship that they have. I agree with you but I think what **msmith537** is suggesting is that people who are more attractive and therefore attract more attention may have a bigger libido and therefore are \*more likely \* to either cheat or just enter into more relationships. I think he’s talking tendencies… at least that’s how I understand it. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/77 "2005-07-26T17:41:23Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I agree with you but I think what **msmith537** is suggesting is that people who are more attractive and therefore attract more attention may have a bigger libido and therefore are \*more likely \* to either cheat or just enter into more relationships. I think he’s talking tendencies… at least that’s how I understand it. Well, i must admit that i’ve never seen any evidence connecting a person’s libido, their sexual drive, to their attractiveness. I’ve known very unattractive people who have very high libidos. They just don’t get their desires satisfied as often as attractive people. I agree that an attractive person might have more _opportunities_ for sexual interaction. But again, i don’t think there’s any necessary connection between that and a person’s fidelity in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/78 "2005-07-26T17:45:38Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Well, i must admit that i’ve never seen any evidence connecting a person’s libido, their sexual drive, to their attractiveness. I’ve known very unattractive people who have very high libidos. They just don’t get their desires satisfied as often as attractive people. > > I agree that an attractive person might have more _opportunities_ for sexual interaction. But again, i don’t think there’s any necessary connection between that and a person’s fidelity in a relationship. I suppose “libido” was a poor choice of words. But isn’t _opportunity_ the mother of _temptation_? For some reason, “Constant Craving” by K.D. Lang is playing in my head every time I open this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/79 "2005-07-26T17:47:25Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > This paragraph is a little confusing. Let me know if i’m misunderstanding you. > > You cheated on this woman, and she didn’t know about it. A little later, she told you that she wanted to be in an open relationship. You didn’t want this because you felt that it would jeopardize the relationship. > > Do i have that right? Oh man you are right… I’m sorry I am at work and as I was typing this we had an impromptu office meeting… then when I returned to this, I had forgotten where I was in the post and left that idea unfinished. She asked for what I should have asked for before I cheated… but I was afraid to because I didn’t know how she would react. The misconception is that cheaters don’t love or care for their S.O. Sometimes they care and love very deeply but it doesn’t change the fact that there’s something inside them (the cheater) that makes them want to cheat. I love and still love this woman deeply and the idea of making a proposition and losing her was more scary then having an affair and taking the chance of her finding out and losing her. Yep, that’s messed up. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2005, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/80 "2005-07-26T18:00:37Z")
> [@Push You Down](#): > > Sometimes they care and love very deeply but it doesn’t change the fact that there’s something inside them (the cheater) that makes them want to cheat. And so what do you suppose that is? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114.md?page=5)