# Cheating in relationships **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 25, 2005, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114 "2005-07-25T21:19:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/121 "2005-07-28T14:07:14Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > Nothing but a bunch of lame weak-willed, self-serving whores. To hell with all liars and cheats, says I. … Eat your slop, pigs. You’ve obviously got some exposed nerves about this subject, so I won’t attack you for your ridiculous generalizations. I will, however, point out that your insults are rather out of place for this forum, and are making you look like a bit of a drooling lunatic. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/122 "2005-07-28T14:07:59Z")
> [@Manda JO](#): > > I think this is what **Twickster** is getting at: my impression is taht because she thought of herself as the sort of person who would “never” cheat, her growing emotional intimacy with a married man seemed innocous, until that emotional pull was suddenly so strong that it took superhuman strength to resist. Exactly. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/123 "2005-07-28T14:18:18Z")
> [@belladonna](#): > > You’ve obviously got some exposed nerves about this subject, so I won’t attack you for your ridiculous generalizations. > I will, however, point out that your insults are rather out of place for this forum, and are making you look like a bit of a drooling lunatic. Tis true. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/124 "2005-07-28T14:29:00Z")
**Sly Frog, Dung Beetle** ; I understand your reasoning. But what of the case where two people just grow apart? No abuse. No neglect. The cheater simply stops “feelin’ the love” and uses that as justification to step out because she doesn’t have the tools or the will to work through the hard times. I suspect that in her mind, she did everything she knew how to do and then simply made the only decision that seemed rational and justifiable in the end. I may be answering my own question but I suppose it goes to strength of character as \*\*Inigo Montoya \*\* pointed out. ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/125 "2005-07-28T14:32:59Z")
I cheated some. And a few women were cheating by being with me. I don’t regret it; I wasn’t married. There’s no chance in hell I’d ever cheat on my wife, though. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/126 "2005-07-28T14:43:01Z")
Naturally, I don’t condone cheating across the board. I just believe that there are shades of gray. I don’t think I’d have ever cheated in a situation such as you describe, **Quicksilver**. I certainly never expected to find myself in the predicament that I did, but I freely admit it was the result of more than one stupid decision on my part. ---
**Author:** ![Aangelica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Aangelica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aangelica)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/127 "2005-07-28T14:44:30Z")
I think you misunderstood me a little **Push**. My last comment was in the nature of a disclaimer - coupled with my own refusal to impose my personal ethical system on other people. There are always going to be the odd “cheating is the lesser evil” scenarios. They’re not the rule - hell, they’re Jerry Springer concantation of improbable events situations - but they crop up from time to time. Whenever anyone says something is a moral absolute (particularly around these parts) someone is generally in a hurry to come up with a hypothetical in which the proposed moral absolute is actually a morally correct choice. I think cheating is wrong, morally reprehensible on the same level as other forms of emotional abuse. That being said, my dearest and closest friend once slept with the man I loved. She is still my dearest and closest friend, but what she did was wrong and it took some work for us to get past it. She’s sincerely regretful and she’ll never do it again, but it hurt me in ways I’m not sure you’ll understand ( **Inigo** understands perfectly, but I don’t think **Push** will). She had her reasons at the time. They’re insufficient reasons for what she did - just as the common excuses cheaters give I talked about earlier are insufficient (not to mention logically flawed in nature). It ain’t my job to stand as final moral arbiter for other people. I can (and have) state my personal opinion and my rebuttal of common points on the opposing side (in best Great Debates fashion). Apparently **Push** disagrees with me - although calling me sanctimonious for not agreeing with him just makes me go :rolleyes: If I weren’t philosophically opposed to virtual hugs I’d give one to **Inigo** - he’s a good egg, badly used 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/128 "2005-07-28T14:45:59Z")
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya] Really the only way I can come close to wrapping my head around this is to force myself to realize that some people on this planet think it’s OK to hang a 12 year old for maybe being gay, other people like Chihuahua dogs, others will drink rancid yak butter tea, and still others will claim to need SUVs in a lifestyle that never sees snow or unpaved roads. Just different takes on right and wrong I guess. [QUOTE] [QUOTE=Inigo Montoya] It’s hard not to believe in Karma. Since he hooked up with my woman his brother has been diagnosed with lukemia and subsequently hung himself in the basement, his wife has left him and taken their kid, his house has foreclosed and his car has been repossessed. I told him it’s the curse of Mrs. Montoya (suicide, cancer, financial disaster all seem to accompany her)–he has to take the bad with the good and gave him the Evil Laugh. He’s also on his 3rd job since January. And yet…I think he does need to be taken outside and beaten. So yes. I want that. [QUOTE] Yeaaaah…you sound nuts. I personally think it’s horrible to take pleasure in the fact that all that misfortune happened to someone who has absolutely nothing to do with you and your wife problems. Maybe YOU are the one suffering the bad Karma. And what the fuck did a Chihuahua ever do? Anyhow, I don’t understand how people fixate on their ex-SO once they separate. Yeah it sucks. Get over it and move on. Focus your energies on finding someone else. I mean I love my longtime girlfriend and all, but if we broke up tomorrow, I like to think I would take the opportunity to enjoy my newly singlized status. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/129 "2005-07-28T15:34:28Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Yeaaaah…you sound nuts. :rolleyes: Sheesh. The post _was_ supposed to be a bit over the top. Hyperbolic, perhaps. Didn’t catch the suggestion that there are at least two sides at work in people? A rational, “I know it is wrong for me to project my personal morality on others” and the purely emotional, “Anyone who does not think as I do is wrong.” This dichotomy gets inspected by the non-evil cheater (the ones who used to say, “never,” not the ones who just don’t care) as well as the abused when they try to figure out what the hell just happened. In all other matters that come to mind, a person who allows his actions to be directed primarily by emotion, even if that means harming someone else, is called a psychopath. I am not a psychopath. As chance would have it, my brother is. I am merely a schizoaffective bipolar…but I’m treating for it. 😃 **msmith537** , bite me. 😛 I just have a dark sense of humor. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/130 "2005-07-28T16:38:21Z")
> [@Aangelica](#): > > I think you misunderstood me a little **Push** Oh no I understood… I just don’t agree. I can understand where someone is coming from. Doesn’t mean I have to agree. Especially since they are hardly from an objective place. You were being sanctimonious. You can roll your eyes all you want. Doesn’t change the truth. You make blanket statments and condemnations but then say “Oh I won’t say it’s allllll bad.” Now we find out why. You essentially call cheaters shitty people. And then admit that one of your best friends is a shitty person who betrayed you. I think that says a lot about you. Those people who have chimed in and explained the thought process of someone who cheats/has cheated really put themselves out there. Then a bunch of wounded hearts and holier-than-thous piss all over them and can’t even summon up the courage to say “I don’t agree with it but I think I understand what happens better.” ---
**Author:** ![TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBoneyKingofNowhere)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/131 "2005-07-28T16:52:06Z")
> [@Dung Beetle](#): > > I didn’t dare ask for a divorce because I was afraid he would hurt me. (And as I said above, those fears were well-founded.) Then I fell in love with someone else. Then I cheated on my husband. I don’t feel guilty about it at all. > along. Not defending your husband or anything (obviously), but if you were afraid he’d hurt you if you asked for a divorce, what would happen if he found out you were cheating? I’d think it’d be hard to go to sleep at night, wondering, even if the chances were remote, that he had found out. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/132 "2005-07-28T16:54:01Z")
> [@TheBoneyKingofNowhere](#): > > Not defending your husband or anything (obviously), but if you were afraid he’d hurt you if you asked for a divorce, what would happen if he found out you were cheating? I’d think it’d be hard to go to sleep at night, wondering, even if the chances were remote, that he had found out. You think right. It was a miserable time. He never did find out though. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/133 "2005-07-28T17:07:32Z")
I’ve cheated, a lot. When I’m drinking, it is damn near impossible for me to control my urges. It’s led me down paths I could not imagine sober. I can love someone with all my heart and still want to have sex with someone else. It’s a problem I have, and I’m doing much better in my current relationship. Still, I don’t trust myself to go out to a bar with friends or something. I know that nothing good can come of it, and I won’t try to justify any of my past behaviors. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/134 "2005-07-28T17:18:42Z")
> [@Indygrrl](#): > > I’ve cheated, a lot. When I’m drinking, it is damn near impossible for me to control my urges. It’s led me down paths I could not imagine sober. If you consistently do things drunk that you would not do sober, and you still continue to drink, it sounds less like a cheating problem _per se_ than a drinking problem. ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/135 "2005-07-28T17:21:52Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > If you consistently do things drunk that you would not do sober, and you still continue to drink, it sounds less like a cheating problem _per se_ than a drinking problem. What’s on a sober person’s mind is on a drunk person’s tongue. I think that saying applies to other things as well. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/136 "2005-07-28T17:26:03Z")
> [@SlyFrog](#): > > What’s on a sober person’s mind is on a drunk person’s tongue. I think that saying applies to other things as well. Yes, i guess it’s possible that the old _In Vino Veritas_ maxim applies. The thing is, though, that there are probably some thoughts that it’s best not to act on, and if drinking makes you act on those thoughts then maybe your next thought should be to stop drinking. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/137 "2005-07-28T17:27:01Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > If you consistently do things drunk that you would not do sober, and you still continue to drink, it sounds less like a cheating problem _per se_ than a drinking problem. Who said I continue to drink? I haven’t had a drink in over two months. ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/138 "2005-07-28T17:29:20Z")
> [@Push You Down](#): > > Those people who have chimed in and explained the thought process of someone who cheats/has cheated really put themselves out there. > Then a bunch of wounded hearts and holier-than-thous piss all over them and can’t even summon up the courage to say “I don’t agree with it but I think I understand what happens better.” The wounded hearts and holier than thous? Is this an attempt to create the “good cheaters, who have explained their reasoning,” and the, “bad people, who dare to call bullshit?” My heart hasn’t been wounded. To my knowledge, no one has cheated on me, and I am certain I have not cheated on anyone. Using your own logic, would you prefer that I lie and say, “I understand it better,” when I think the explanations for cheating are a mishmash of self-serving bullshit? I for one never really had much difficulty understanding _why_ people cheat - the difficulty for me is moving to it being in any way okay, as opposed to a self-centered, completely assholish, destructive and narcissitic act. The only person here that comes close to getting that treatment is Dung Beetle, and I’m not sure I really think that what she did was cheating in the first place. It appears to bother some people who cheat that there are others who don’t. Even more, that some who don’t are able to say that they are disciplined enough not to do it. It doesn’t bother me, any more than as a fat guy, it didn’t bother me that thin people could say, “I’d never be fat, it’s disgusting and easy to cure; don’t eat too much.” We have this need to debase people who _don’t_ engage in assholish behavior. Some people are actually holier than thou, at least with regard to certain aspects of their lives. That may bring some jealousy, but it shouldn’t bring an attempt to attack the person who has it right. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/139 "2005-07-28T17:32:59Z")
> [@Indygrrl](#): > > Who said I continue to drink? I haven’t had a drink in over two months. I was making a general observation. Also, your previous post implied that this had been a relatively long-term situation. Has ceasing to drink lessned your desire to sleep with people other than your current partner? ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114/140 "2005-07-28T17:39:37Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Has ceasing to drink lessned your desire to sleep with people other than your current partner? I haven’t cheated on my current partner, and we’ve been together for over two years. I just don’t put myself in situations where it could happen. I love and respect him and I don’t want to do anything to compromise the relationship. Plus, he treats me very well where my previous partners did not. That was the main justification I had for cheating on them. And yes, not drinking certainly helps me fight those urges. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-in-relationships/314114.md?page=8)