# Cheating: would a proactive confession differ at all from seeking forgiveness after being caught? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 29, 2014, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-would-a-proactive-confession-differ-at-all-from-seeking-forgiveness-after-being-caught/689534 "2014-05-29T03:45:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 1\ **Showing post:** 37
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2014, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-would-a-proactive-confession-differ-at-all-from-seeking-forgiveness-after-being-caught/689534/37 "2014-05-29T22:05:49Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > I think everyone is ignoring the fact that carrying guilt is not only painful it is also damaging to the individual carrying it. One of the biggest problems alcoholics have is dealing with guilt. The prescribed cure is confession, the closer to the source of hurt you make the confession the more complete the healing. Actually, this is precisely one of the reasons behind my “Don’t tell” position. I believe that, as **Gary T** suggested very early in the thread, one of the main reasons that people confess to infidelity a long time after the fact, when there’s basically no chance that they would otherwise be found out, is to assuage their own guilt. Well, sorry you cheating motherfucker, but if you feel guilty about doing it, then that’s a cross you should have to bear. Trying to expiate the guilt by dumping the whole thing on your blissfully ignorant spouse is actually an incredibly selfish act, and i believe that a lot of the people who do stuff like this do it out of selfishness, out of a desire to make themselves feel better, and not because it actually helps the relationship or the cheated-on partner. > [@dracoi](#): > > Personally, I think the only way to handle something like this isn’t in the OP. It’s to say nothing, but answer any questions truthfully. If your spouse asks “Have you ever cheated?” then you should absolutely answer yes. A relationship does need to be built on trust. I’m not sure that volunteering the information is such a great idea, though. I can live with this compromise. I have never asked my wife “Have you cheated on me,” because i am 100% sure that she hasn’t, and it wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask. She has never asked me either, and if she did i could truthfully answer “no.” **Sauron** , i’m afraid **kanicbird** was undoubtedly well aware that his keyboard was on. The guy is a veritable goldmine of WTF? quotes on anything related to love and sex. Here, for reference, is his take on rape: > [@Most Rapes Are About Power, Not Sex](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/most-rapes-are-about-power-not-sex/508939/26): > > Rape is the forcing of a soul tie between the rapist and the victim, the 2 are forced to become one. During this time the guilt of the sexual sins of the rapist is forced onto the victim, Usually rape victims feel ashamed, even of their own body - this is the guilt that has been transferred, which frees the rapist from that guilt and shame. > > This is different then what we call ‘date rape’ which the victim is usually the one who caused the rape. It is the use of spiritual power to free the person raped of sexual guilt, as it is transferred to the one doing the raping, but that person is spiritually controlled by the other as they have submitted to them. In this way the one raped can free themselves as the other person bears the weight of the sin. --- _[View the full topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cheating-would-a-proactive-confession-differ-at-all-from-seeking-forgiveness-after-being-caught/689534)._