# Check-in for All Female Newbies **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 22, 2000, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189 "2000-06-22T14:51:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/1 "2000-06-22T14:51:20Z")
Due to the large number of newbies here, we need to make sure you meet our high standards of cleavage - I mean intellect. I have in the past been a wandering examiner, finding the newbies where they are, but this has become too tiring and stressful. I need all nude - I mean new - female posters to post here, so we can go about the standard immigration examination. ::putting on the rubber gloves:: Baby oil is provided, so if all you ladies would kindly disrobe and rub yourselves down we can begin. Do not be afraid, this is a strictly medical procedure. And I _ **do** _ have a background in medicine: my sister’s a nurse. ---
**Author:** ![Tally-Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tally-Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tally-Ho)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/2 "2000-06-22T14:55:34Z")
I hope this exam room is a little warmer than the last one. ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/3 "2000-06-22T14:56:59Z")
Um…Brat? That isn’t a toy duck. ---
**Author:** ![dook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@dook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dook)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/4 "2000-06-22T14:57:19Z")
I’ll be in the observation room with my camera. -dook ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/5 "2000-06-22T14:57:42Z")
This could be good. It could be even better if you’ll purchase my old Vibrating Exam Table. I just upgraded, and only need one. And for you, I’ll sell it cheap. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/6 "2000-06-22T14:59:23Z")
BTW - All veteran female posters should check in every month or so for a routine check up. ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/7 "2000-06-22T15:00:20Z")
_giggle_ Hang on, let me put on my internet chat room persona. _zipping into costume that turns her into a 38-23-36 sex kitten with waist-length hair, green eyes, pouty lips, and d-cup hooters_ Let me just fix this wedgie the thong is giving me… _SNAP_ ouch! ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/8 "2000-06-22T15:02:04Z")
Hey **BratMan007** , I find it highly commendable that you’d look after the newbies this way. Kudos. But just to be on the safe side, the regulars need their anti-virus checkup, too. All of the women that have not yet contacted Bratman007 regarding their checkup, and don’t intend to, should notify me as soon ass possible. Eve, Athena, Aenea, et al. Where are you? SouthernStyle 😉 ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/9 "2000-06-22T15:03:20Z")
Damn Brat, You could at least have waited until I posted until you started thinking again! sigh… SouthernStyle ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/10 "2000-06-22T15:04:48Z")
Swiddles - I may feel stupid for asking this, but I don’t get the toy duck reference. Anyway, timing sucks! I’m gonna have to stop posting for a while, I need to be on a conference call. Posting from work so sucks sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/11 "2000-06-22T15:23:46Z")
BratMan, today you are my hero. If you are in need of an assistant please feel free to consider me. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/12 "2000-06-22T15:26:27Z")
The advantages of working for a big company - I’m on a conference call that I have absolutely nothing to give my input on. So back to the exams - chrisbar - not bad, I like your enthusiam. Wow! I’ve never seen one of those do _that_ before! I bet you can do the ping pong ball trick like Winona Ryder in the South Park Movie! You pass. CrankyAsAnOldMan - I uh, geez. Um, I’ll get with you as soon as I can stand up again. :o And SouthernStyle, I promise not to ever think again until I hear from you first. ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/13 "2000-06-22T15:36:24Z")
Now don’t get carried away on this “sans thinking” thingie. You did so well getting this idea going without me. You had a good idea, planted it, watered it, fertilized it (kind of like I’m doing now), it germinated, and the next thing you know – there’s a good idea blooming. I just didn’t get a chance to throw in my 2 cents quickly enough. Kind of like life. Always a day late and a dollar short. SouthernStyle ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/14 "2000-06-22T15:40:39Z")
**Athena walks in** What’s going on here? Did somebody call my name? Hey, wait a minute, how come all you young 'uns have your shirts off? ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/15 "2000-06-22T15:46:08Z")
It’s the rules of this thread. But it’s strictly for “professional” reasons. 😉 SouthernStyle ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/16 "2000-06-22T15:46:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Do not be afraid, this is a strictly medical procedure. > \*\* i guess the real question is … Is this an invasive procedure? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/17 "2000-06-22T15:46:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > **Athena walks in** > > What’s going on here? Did somebody call my name? Hey, wait a minute, how come all you young 'uns have your shirts off? > \*\* Hi Athena, here’s your bottle of baby oil. You can feel free to strip down and rub this on yourself, or SouthernStyle or myself will be happy to do it for you. I have to finish fondling, I mean examining Cranky, then I’ll be right on top of you - DAMMIT! I mean right **with** you. ---
**Author:** ![lolagranola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ea5d25/32.png) [@lolagranola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lolagranola)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/18 "2000-06-22T15:50:20Z")
I feel so… safe… knowing how much ya’ll care about my health. _sniff_ I’m touched. No seriously, I’m being touched. HELP! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/19 "2000-06-22T15:51:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Is this an invasive procedure? 😃 > \*\* Yes it is, sorry, but it’s the only way to be really sure that you’re in good health. This is all for your benefit. Why am I naked, you ask? It’s to ensure no germs enter the room that may be on my clothing. Yeah, that’s sounds reasonable, I’ll stick with that story. You know, it just occurred to me that this isn’t helping me live down the ‘pervert’ label I was complaining about having not to long ago. Oh well, it’s all for the sake of science. ---
**Author:** ![Tally-Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tally-Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tally-Ho)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/20 "2000-06-22T15:51:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > > chrisbar - not bad, I like your enthusiam. Wow! I’ve never seen one of those do _that_ before! I bet you can do the ping pong ball trick like Winona Ryder in the South Park Movie! You pass. > > \*\* Why, thank you very much. As for tricks, I only perform in private. 😉 Chrisbar [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189.md?page=2)