# Check-in for All Female Newbies **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 22, 2000, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189 "2000-06-22T14:51:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Dylan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e95f7d/32.png) [@Dylan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dylan)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/181 "2000-06-23T04:49:31Z")
::knock knock:: um…yeah, hi…anybody here?? I was reading about Wally, and decided that I had to get to know you people…so, I just registered and then this really tired looking guy told me I had to pass through inspection in here… anybody know anything about this?.. should I just take a number? you all look really busy… I’ll just wait over here. ---
**Author:** ![pipefitter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@pipefitter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pipefitter)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/182 "2000-06-23T08:24:11Z")
Dr. Pipefitter here, I’m ready for my first patient. Ahhhh, Purplebear, you look like you’re ready.😉 Please lie down on the examining table, er excuse me, please have a seat on the examining table, and we’ll start. Oh, BTW, I am also a certified massage therapist. ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/183 "2000-06-23T09:19:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > I’ll take the A’s and B’s, Southern… you can have the C’s and D’s… > \*\* Um, I guess that makes you my examiner, Southern Style… Please be gentle with me… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/184 "2000-06-23T09:25:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > > The good news is that Tallahassee can now have an official doper function. Hey, I’m not that far from Tallahassee (Central FL)–can I come too? > [@](#): > > The more mature women that are (wishing that they were) more accustomed to a slower and more deliberate hand is where I’m most qualified to help. In fact, my hands are _so_ slow that my girlfriend from 1988 has barely recovered. > SouthernStyle > > \*\* Well, Southern, if you don’t want to examine newbies, I’m sure one of these other gentlemen (?) will be willing to take care of my initiation exam? ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/185 "2000-06-23T09:26:33Z")
Hey pipfitter, no offense, but since purplebear and I are on each other’s laminated lists, I think it’d be best of I handled the procedings from here on out. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tally-Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tally-Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tally-Ho)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/186 "2000-06-23T11:48:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*\* > > > > The good news is that Tallahassee can now have an official doper function. > > Hey, I’m not that far from Tallahassee (Central FL)–can I come too? > \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Tally-Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tally-Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tally-Ho)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/187 "2000-06-23T11:51:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*\* > > > > The good news is that Tallahassee can now have an official doper function. > > Hey, I’m not that far from Tallahassee (Central FL)–can I come too? > \*\* Of course, as well as any other dopers, Floridians or not. We couldn’t call it Southern hospitality if we didn’t invite _everybody_. Chrisbar ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/188 "2000-06-23T12:13:11Z")
Damn you people work late and start early. I had to close the practice early as it was Mrs. Style’s birthday. She’s 15 now and really looking forward to getting her “learner’s permit”. Uh, Trouble – I’ll be as gentle as the situation demands. Now where were those vice grips? I can’t seem to get your bra undone, I mean drawers off… I mean drawer open. Yeah. That’s it. Drawer open. Trust me. 😉 SouthernStyle ---
**Author:** ![hedra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/779978/32.png) [@hedra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hedra)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/189 "2000-06-23T12:22:39Z")
::walks in, stripping down:: Oh, good, there seems to be someone here who can handle sizes above D… iampunha, how about a set of G’s (as in, quadruple-D)? ::pauses, listening:: Oh, damn, my son is awake. Shoot. Okay, well, I’ll be back in a few minutes - but you’ll have to settle for just triple-D by then. Hope that’s okay! (damn engorgement) ::runs out:: ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/190 "2000-06-23T12:31:39Z")
The rest of you can keep up with the shenanigans in this room. Ultress and I will be over in the jiggle closet for the next 24 hours. If you hear strange noises, just assume that everything is A-OK. ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/191 "2000-06-23T12:33:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Oh, damn, my son is awake. Shoot. Okay, well, I’ll be back in a few minutes - but you’ll have to settle for just triple-D by then. Hope that’s okay! (damn engorgement) I’m very sorry m’am, but we don’t allow children in the examining room. Perhaps you should hire a baby sitter. I promise to have you home… er,I mean… we’ll be done by midnight. SouthernStyle ---
**Author:** ![SarumanRex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@SarumanRex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SarumanRex)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/192 "2000-06-23T12:41:29Z")
I don’t know about this BratMan guy. On my first day on the SDMB they sent me to him for a prostate exam, but I don’t think he did it right. The doctor is not supposed to have both hands on your shoulders… ---
**Author:** ![hedra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/779978/32.png) [@hedra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hedra)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/193 "2000-06-23T12:57:19Z")
Wow, even the waiting room isn’t a good place for kids. Off to grandma’s you go, boyo, this is NO place for you (at least not for nearly two decades). ::runs back in:: Okay - Found a sitter! PHEW. Okay, now, where was I? Oh, yeah… ::disrobes:: Hey, can I get some SERVICE over here? I have to pick my son up by 9 … Um, what was that SouthernStyle? Shoot. Well, I’ll be back to quadruple-D before midnight, that’s for sure. ::hauls out cell phone:: Maybe she can keep him overnight… ::eyes SouthernStyle and iampunha and starts dialing REAL fast:: ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/194 "2000-06-23T13:12:32Z")
…to see that you all were carrying on all through the night. Fighting the good fight…battling ignorance by selflessly opening your…ahem…I mean spreading your…ooooh, uh…knowledge! Yes, that’s it, knowledge. Spreading knowledge. \ Well, I’m rested and ready to show my parts…oops, I mean do my part. Anyone? \*I made it into Brat’s sig. Wow. I feel so special. struuter ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/195 "2000-06-23T14:16:58Z")
> [@](#): > > Um, I guess that makes you my examiner, Southern Style… Oh, uh, Trouble – there’s a huge difference between being examined by SouthernStyle and being examined _Southern Style_. Or would you care to try for the perfecta? > [@](#): > > ::eyes SouthernStyle and iampunha and starts dialing REAL fast:: Rats. Our secret is out. How much to keep quiet? SouthernStyle ---
**Author:** ![hedra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/779978/32.png) [@hedra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hedra)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/196 "2000-06-23T14:32:57Z")
Everything, the whole 9 yards… um, okay, 9 yards is a BIT much. How much you got? That was WAY too easy. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/197 "2000-06-23T14:34:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Oh, uh, Trouble – there’s a huge difference between being examined by SouthernStyle and being examined _Southern Style_ > \*\* And anyone who’s seen _Deliverance_ knows what that difference is. ---
**Author:** ![SouthernStyle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/198 "2000-06-23T14:47:16Z")
> [@](#): > > Everything, the whole 9 yards… um, okay, 9 yards is a BIT much. How much you got? > > That was WAY too easy. I am NOT easy! Well. OK. So what if I am. But I’m not cheap! Well. Ok. Same argument… SouthernStyle ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/199 "2000-06-23T16:42:30Z")
HEY! What does a nice busty redhead have to do to get an exam around here? _tapping foot_ ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/200 "2000-06-23T16:53:14Z")
ssskuggiii said: “Well, I insist you start with an oral exam before you proceed to the actual check-up. I am picky about procedure, and insist you go through all the steps.” Oh, I will. I even have a manual - er, um . . . notes to myself here. And the complete oral exam will go over some parts in excruciatingly thorough detail. This may take all day. It may take longer. The manual exam will also take a loooong time. It may test proficiency with certain objects. ssskuggiii, you sure you want to do this here, not in the privacy of your own room? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189.md?page=11)