# Check-in for All Female Newbies **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 22, 2000, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189 "2000-06-22T14:51:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/21 "2000-06-22T15:54:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > _sniff_ I’m touched. > > No seriously, I’m being touched. HELP! > \*\* No, it’s ok, my fingers are supposed to be down there. I’d explain it to you, but it’s highly technical and I wouldn’t want to bore you with a bunch of Latin terms I wouldn’t be able to explain. Now just lie down and arch your back a little . . . Hey, dook, SouthernStyle, Mully, I could use some assistance whenever you guys wanna pull your pants up and turn off the camcorders. ---
**Author:** ![dook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@dook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dook)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/22 "2000-06-22T15:58:45Z")
Allright _FINE_. I think I’ve got a tripod around here somewhere. Bother me when I’m in the middle of something. What’s that? You’re in the middle of something too? Hmmmm, yeah I might be able to help out over there. Where’s the battery and jumper cables? -dook ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/23 "2000-06-22T16:08:29Z")
**Athena takes the oil from BratMan, and heads towards his aft regions** OK, where do you want this? Bend over, boy! ---
**Author:** ![Baglady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Baglady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baglady)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/24 "2000-06-22T16:16:52Z")
Hey, I don’t see a certificate on the wall. …and I don’t think your fishing license counts. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/25 "2000-06-22T16:21:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > **Athena takes the oil from BratMan, and heads towards his aft regions** > > OK, where do you want this? Bend over, boy! > \*\* Ok, someone has misunderstood. You rub it on _your_ body. I’m the medical man here, I should know how these things work. :: quickly backs out of the room :: So far, those who have been examined and passed: chrisbar CrankyAsAnOldMan lolagranola Myself or one of my authorized assistants will be with Athena (who I think may need to have to be subdued before she vilates someone with that baby oil bottle) and little\*bit shortly. You will be able to recognize an authorized assistant from an imposter because he will have a penis or go by the name of sealemon88. ( **sealemon** - that was for the I broke the fast ☹ thread! It took me 3 hrs to come up with something, but I finally did.) Note to self: _must_ remember to get that sharpening stone for wit! ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/26 "2000-06-22T16:24:40Z")
But Bratty, this exam is for NEWBIES, right? I predate you by a year or so! You’re the newbie here! C’mon, boy! Let’s see them bloomers come off! ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/27 "2000-06-22T16:25:10Z")
Bratman, I think you should read the rules you agreed to abide by when you registered. They state very clearly that this duty is the sole responsibility of the forum moderators. Don’t make me warn you again. Yow! Lookit those winnebagos! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/28 "2000-06-22T16:28:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Bratman, I think you should read the rules you agreed to abide by when you registered. They state very clearly that this duty is the sole responsibility of the forum moderators. Don’t make me warn you again. > > Yow! Lookit those winnebagos! > \*\* Damn, and I had a good racket going on here. Can I at least assist? ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/29 "2000-06-22T16:28:47Z")
> [@](#): > > Hey, dook, SouthernStyle, Mully, I could use some assistance whenever you guys wanna pull your pants up and turn off the camcorders It’s either the pants or the camcorder Brat, but not both. Damn it man, I’m a pervert, not a scientist. ---
**Author:** ![Pandora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eada6e/32.png) [@Pandora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pandora)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/30 "2000-06-22T16:32:19Z")
Female newbie reporting… and looking around… and running for the door. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/31 "2000-06-22T16:32:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > But Bratty, this exam is for NEWBIES, right? I predate you by a year or so! You’re the newbie here! C’mon, boy! Let’s see them bloomers come off! > \*\* Normally, I would be happy to oblige, but as I’m an American I’m not quite sure what bloomers are. I’m hoping that’s an article of clothing, and not some slang term for my genitals. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/32 "2000-06-22T16:35:09Z")
::: peeking in door ::: Oh, no you don’t! Arrrrggg! ---
**Author:** ![Lauralee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Lauralee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lauralee)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/33 "2000-06-22T16:35:20Z")
I am sooooo not supposed to be here… _Runs quickly for the door_ ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/34 "2000-06-22T16:35:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Female newbie reporting… > and looking around… > and running for the door. > \*\* Hey! One’s getting away! Mully grab her! Dammit, would you guys either take the pants off all the way or pull them up? How do you expect to make a break for it with your britches all bunched up around your ankles like that? ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/35 "2000-06-22T16:36:43Z")
> [@](#): > > You will be able to recognize an authorized assistant from an imposter because he will have a penis or go by the name of sealemon88. So…you’re saying that “official” inspectors don’t have penises (Penii…whatever)? That would explain why you need a tongue depressor and a thermometer. That would also explain why SS and Mully are glaring at you right now. 😃 Heh. Just think of this as my official “welcome to the board!” ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/36 "2000-06-22T16:39:13Z")
Two more newbies got away. Am I alone here? What happened to SouthernStyle and dook? :: looking for Style and dook :: OMG!!! What are you two doing with that goat? And why are there straws all over the place? ---
**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/37 "2000-06-22T16:46:28Z")
(no pun intended) But as a relative newbie, perhaps it would be more instructive if WE examined YOU, Brat. Or any of the rest of you camcorder-touting gents. This is, after all, in the name of fighting ignorance. Isn’t it? Let’s have a little look-see…\ I realize this is a scientific procedure, but it is a little naughty. Very naughty, in fact. We should be punished. Spanked? Yes. First comes the spanking. And then the oral…oops. \ ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/38 "2000-06-22T16:53:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > First comes the spanking. > And then the oral…oops. \ > \*\* Struuter - I believe that was the oral _exam_ you were about to refer to. I mean, as you said, it’s all about fighting ignorance. How are we supposed to know what we know with out some kind of testing? ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/39 "2000-06-22T16:54:55Z")
::wanders in, clutching notice of exam:: Hi there… I’ve been here since February and God forbid I should miss some required exam. I’ll just need a number two pencil and a Scantron form… hello, I said _pencil_. Whoa, talk about novelty erasers… ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2000, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189/40 "2000-06-22T16:56:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > (no pun intended) But as a relative newbie, perhaps it would be more instructive if WE examined YOU, Brat. Or any of the rest of you camcorder-touting gents. This is, after all, in the name of fighting ignorance. Isn’t it? Let’s have a little look-see…\ > I realize this is a scientific procedure, but it is a little naughty. > Very naughty, in fact. > We should be punished. > Spanked? Yes. > First comes the spanking. > And then the oral…oops. \ > \*\* First off, stuuter, this thread is to examine FEMALES. You wanna examine me, open a male thread. Read my other posts, I’ve been naked here before and I’ll more than likely do it again. (I’m quite the exhibitionist when no one can actually see me) Second, you pass. Anyone who makes Python references is automatically cool with me. I’m more than willing to face the peril. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-female-newbies/23189.md?page=3)