# Check-in for All male Newbies.... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 22, 2000, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235 "2000-06-22T20:19:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/81 "2000-06-23T12:06:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Hey BratMan. Is it time for your exam? > All out doctors seem to be busy at the moment so I’ll be the one carrying out the “examination”. > \*\* And in the 1.7 seconds it takes me to get from the door to the examination table, I have stripped down, oiled up, and brushed my teeth. All yours! ---
**Author:** ![Tally-Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tally-Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tally-Ho)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/82 "2000-06-23T12:09:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > And in the 1.7 seconds it takes me to get from the door to the examination table, I have stripped down, oiled up, and brushed my teeth. > > All yours! > \*\* My, my. I like 'em enthusiastic. - (closes the curtain around the examination table) \* 😉 Chrisbar ---
**Author:** ![Michi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@Michi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michi)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/83 "2000-06-23T12:34:40Z")
Eh, humans, critters, what’s the difference? 😉 (Well, actually, since the last penis I saw belonged to a cat, I hope there is a BIG difference!) Anyway, who’s up for an exam by me? ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/84 "2000-06-23T12:36:21Z")
I’m only halfway to my 3,000 mile check up, so just check my undercarriage. ---
**Author:** ![rubes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@rubes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rubes)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/85 "2000-06-23T12:36:41Z")
(rubes jumps up and down frantically) Over here michi, over here ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@Mr\_Bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Bear)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/86 "2000-06-23T12:52:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Eh, humans, critters, what’s the difference? 😉 > > (Well, actually, since the last penis I saw belonged to a cat, I hope there is a BIG difference!) > > Anyway, who’s up for an exam by me? > \*\* There is a **HUGE** difference, and I’m not necessarily refferring just to size! Size is only half of it, technique is the other half, and critters don’t seem to have as much style in their technique when it comes right down to it. Now I don’t want to brag…but I have been told that I have both!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/87 "2000-06-23T13:09:56Z")
Well, at 82 posts I don’t know how much of a newbie I am, but I guess it couldn’t hurt to strip and sit on the metal table. Eep! It’s _cold_! Say, could y’all remove this kiloid from my belly while I’m here? Hey, **Esprix** , if both your hands are on my hips, what’s that you’re touching me with? ---
**Author:** ![Michi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@Michi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michi)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/88 "2000-06-23T13:14:21Z")
::Checking clipboard:: Hmmm…seems your paperwork is in order and all waivers have been signed…good…good…no history of serious medical problems… OK, Mully, you follow the green line, Rubes, you follow the red line. When you get to your rooms, please disrobe. Take note of the educational brochures, you’ll need them. I’ll be with you shortly. ---
**Author:** ![Spolvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Spolvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spolvy)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/89 "2000-06-23T13:25:36Z")
So…where do you want me? I was told to come here…or was it there? Why is the floor slippery? hey! be gentle… ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/90 "2000-06-23T13:32:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > So…where do you want me? I was told to come here…or was it there? > \*\* :: taking a line yelled at the screen during the Rocky Horror Picture Show :: I don’t care where you come, as long as you clean it up when you’re done. ---
**Author:** ![soulsling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@soulsling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulsling)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/91 "2000-06-23T13:42:53Z")
wow, am i too late? don’t wanna worry ‘bout my health ya know. :::stands idly by the wall waiting, tapping fingers against the wall::: hope they arent’ using needles, :::nudges newbie next to him::: i sure get all nervous around neeeles… ---
**Author:** ![Pandora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eada6e/32.png) [@Pandora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pandora)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/92 "2000-06-23T14:42:40Z")
finally… some decent entertainment 🙂 ::sits down in an inconspiciious corner to see what happens next:: ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/93 "2000-06-23T15:17:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Well, GaWd, VB seems to have left me, so would you like to come back here? > \*\* I didn’t leave you; I just had to go make my bladder flatter before the festivities! Now, you mentioned cinnamon oil; and where can we put it? ---
**Author:** ![Gazoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ce73a5/32.png) [@Gazoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazoo)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/94 "2000-06-23T15:33:25Z")
:entering room: Wow, can you believe this about MNF and Dennis Miller? Anyway, I got the memo that I was supposed to stop in here for something… :looks up: :eek: What the? Holy crap, people, put your clothes back on! Clean up that oil! My god, what if Cecil were to stop in?!??! :o Ah screw it! :setting up folding chair and cooler of beer: I guess it _could_ be an interesting show! ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/95 "2000-06-23T15:45:08Z")
There are several of you waiting around, standing in corners, tapping your feet impatiently, waiting to get your exam. {forcefully snaps rubber glove} Y’all are **mine** now. {evil grin spreads across face} Pray to whatever god you believe in, boys, and start singing “Moon River” _a la_ “Fletch.” It’s going to be a long, long while… {laughs maniacally while closing door of exam room} _ **NEXT!** _ Esprix ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/96 "2000-06-23T15:51:07Z")
Ahem. (Goboy leaps across the waiting room, pushing and shoving guys out of the way) Esprix, yoo-hoo! I’m ready for the exam, and, please, **Don’t** be gentle. ---
**Author:** ![Spolvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Spolvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spolvy)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/97 "2000-06-23T15:57:20Z")
um…ya know…THAT’S not what I had in mind… Wow, that’s gonna leave a mark… I didn’t know anyone could bend that way, I gotta sit down! ---
**Author:** ![Mauve\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@Mauve\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauve_Dog)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/98 "2000-06-23T16:14:43Z")
Newbie here. It would seem that I also have the dubious honor of being the newest newbie here 😛 Woof! ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/99 "2000-06-23T16:25:33Z")
Just had a physical: 6’ 185# 10.5% body fat, resting heart rate of 60, good HDL/LDL, vision corrected to 20/40, still have all my own teeth, no abnormalities, should live to be 100. Still, I’d like a second opinion… Skip the gown, I haven’t been busting my ass at the Y for the past 5 years for nothing. I’ll let it all hang out (so to speak). ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235/100 "2000-06-23T16:27:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > There is a **HUGE** difference, and I’m not necessarily refferring just to size! Size is only half of it, technique is the other half, and critters don’t seem to have as much style in their technique when it comes right down to it. Now I don’t want to brag…but I have been told that I have both!😃 > \*\* Oh, Honey, do you _ **ever** _!!! 😃 Have both, I mean. Size _and_ technique! 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/check-in-for-all-male-newbies/23235.md?page=6)