# childless by choice...
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [March 4, 2008, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036 "2008-03-04T15:25:02Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/41 "2008-03-04T17:31:36Z")
I have never, ever felt the urge to have progeny\*.
I wonder if there’s something missing from my psyche or genetics? Lots of my buddies, male and female, want to start dynasties, or are already heading down that road. I just simply don’t. My brother doesn’t either - I’m 40 and he’s 36. We’re from a stable, loving family of 4 siblings, and both our sisters have kids - but neither of us care.
I’m sure if I should end up with a kid or two accidentally, I’d be as squee as the next parent, but while I exercise conscious choice (and know how to use contraception), I choose not to.
\*Well, I did once, but the feeling only lasted for about 20 minutes. Then it went away again.
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### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/42 "2008-03-04T17:33:05Z")
[QUOTE=pbbth]
My hope is that my brother has a gaggle of children that I can love and spoil and send home when I tire of them so that I can then go to the opera or an R rated movie.
[/QUOTE]
That’s so awesome. I’d LOVE to go to an R rated opera with you.
What’s playing?
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### Author:  [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/43 "2008-03-04T17:33:39Z")
[QUOTE=NightRabbit]
since when is HAVING children the default decision? seems to me that you shouldn’t have children unless you specifically want them, not the other way around.
[/QUOTE]
Exactly. Not doing something is the default; you need a reason to do it, not to avoid it. Why should I have children?
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### Author:  [@Li\_l\_Pluck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Li_l_Pluck)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/44 "2008-03-04T17:34:25Z")
Well, I’m a single gay man, so while it’s unlikely that I would impregnate someone by accident, I am, and expect to remain, childless by choice.
The reasons are simple. Children, and the rearing thereof, require vast amounts of time, patience, energy, and money, none of which I have in adequate supply–not even for my \*own \* life.
Also, I’m 38 now, and I’m approximately seven years away from finishing my B.A. Even if I wanted to wait until I graduated college to raise children…well, I hardly think that I’d want to be raising children into my 60’s.
Now, if someone trusted me enough to leave me their kid in a their will (does that even ever happen?), then I’d certainly man up and do what needed to be done for the child, and I think I’d do okay (my friends tell me that I’d make a great father).
But apart from that–or some other extreme circumstance, like if I knew of a child who desperately needed to be rescued from a bad situation, and I felt that the best place for them to be was with me–I don’t plan on having kids.
The thing is, though, I tend to get along well with most children. Hell, they piss me off much, much less than most adults do! And the fact is, I’m a nurturer, so I like to “mother” kids (especially boys since, IMO, boys don’t get nearly enough “mothering” from males in this society), but nah, raising children is something that I am, within 99 44/100th percent certainty, not likely to do.
P.S.–Like **Annie-Xmas** , I’m a survivor of an abusive dhildhood, so I totally understand her reasoning in that regard (I don’t see my brother having children for the same reason)–and, frankly, applaud her for taking it into consideration. For me, though, I think that my experience with taking care of other people’s children (I know–it’s not the same as full-time parenting) has shown me that, thankfully, the abuse I suffered has taught me what kind of care-giver NOT to be. Of course, that doesn’t work out the same for everyone, and sometimes you really just don’t know how you’ll handle things. I wish that my idiot parents (_especially_ my father) had kept that in mind.
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### Author:  [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/45 "2008-03-04T17:40:53Z")
[QUOTE=Annie-Xmas]
There are many reasons for not having children: biological, psychological, economical, sociological, and just plain personal.
[/QUOTE]
I’d add environmental to that list.
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### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/46 "2008-03-04T17:48:22Z")
Personally, I like babies. They’re all cuddly and babyey and stuff. But after about age 1 they start turning into little messed-up people. Do not want.
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### Author:  [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/47 "2008-03-04T18:00:59Z")
[QUOTE=NightRabbit]
since when is HAVING children the default decision? seems to me that you shouldn’t have children unless you specifically want them, not the other way around.
[/QUOTE]
Sometime in my 20s I reallized that I didn’t really have a reason to want kids. It was one of those things that had been expected as I was growing up. Graduate high school, go to college, get married, get a job, have kids. I’m no anti-kid, I just didn’t (and don’t) have strong feelings that I do want kids. At that time, I figured that if the best reason I could come up with to have kids was “everyone else is”, then it probably wasn’t for me. I’ve had to defend that decision for the last 15 years. As others have said, my first response when this topic comes up it to place my back against a wall and prepare to defend my choices.
So my reasons for not having kids? I never had a strong reason or even urge to have any, and I refused to have them just because it was expected. These are also about the same reasons that my SO and I haven’t gotten married, even after 15 years together.
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### Author:  [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/48 "2008-03-04T18:33:35Z")
Neither my wife nor I have any parental instincts or desires. While her family could only be described as “normal,” she has been a piano teacher, and she got her fill of other peoples’ kids. I come from a violent, abusive home. Since the '70s, I’ve not had any exposure to children. I don’t have to actively avoid them, because we don’t really know any couples who have kids that aren’t grown up already. I can’t say that I’ve ever envisioned a future where I had a son or daughter. No rosy mental pictures of me and the little guy fishing off the dam, or anything like it.
I wouldn’t have the first idea of how to mold a child into a real person. How it worked for me was to avoid doing the unbelievably crappy things to others that people did to me. I couldn’t live with myself if my kid hated me so much that he had to go out of his way to avoid being like me at all, in order to find his own happiness. That was my father’s gig. I don’t do his gig, I do mine. I couldn’t bring another angry kid into the world. I’m not made of the stuff that would enable me to deal with criminal behavior, mental illness or drug addiction. What if my kid was like that? I don’t want to know, and I’ll never find out. I won’t be anyone’s dad. Especially now, at my age. Sure, lots of men make babies into their droolinghood, but I have concerns that I wouldn’t make it to see my kid graduate. To my kid, I would always have been an old man, then I’d just die. That’s unfair to the kid.
It took me 40 years to come out of the darkness of my upbringing. I’m rather enjoying the sunshine.
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### Author:  [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/49 "2008-03-04T18:34:22Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Originally Posted by\*\* tdn\*\*
>
> That’s so awesome. I’d LOVE to go to an R rated opera with you.
>
> What’s playing?
Me thinks you might have misread my post lol.
To answer your question though right now it is McBeth. I thought it was awesome that they turned such a dark show about murder, coruption, etc. into an opera. Oh, wait, that is almost every opera…
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### Author:  [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/50 "2008-03-04T18:49:13Z")
It isn’t that complex. I don’t like children. I would never harm one and even run a toys-for-tots drive every year - but I don’t like being around them. This makes for being a bad father. A father should love his children.
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### Author:  [@vison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vison)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/51 "2008-03-04T18:55:17Z")
It’s a little late for me to decide I don’t want kids, since I’m the mother of 2 and the grandmother of 4.
But I would **never** do it again. Not because children are demanding, although they are. Not because you lose your “freedom” although you do. Not because it costs a lot of money to raise kids, although it does. All the reasons given above are good reasons.
My reason is: it hurts too much. When you have a child, you have laid your heart bare to the universe. The poet called a family “hostages to fortune”, and the poet was right. There is simply no pain that can equal the pain children bring, and it is almost always without meaning to hurt you.
From the day my oldest son was born until this very moment, I have never been free of the fear that “something” will happen and a child of mine will be hurt. I don’t mean to say that I cower under my desk, or live in some kind of eternal watchfulness, ever wary and ready to leap to someone’s defense - but it’s always there, just the same.
On the other hand, there is no joy equal to having a child. Do the joy and pain balance each other? Some days I say “more joy than pain” other days, I say the opposite.
It’s one of those things you **probably** can’t understand if you haven’t done it.
I had my kids without thought, to be honest. It was what you did, and I did it. My feeling now is that if you aren’t really sure you want kids, don’t put yourself through it. Actually, even if you’re sure . . . I, for one, wouldn’t do it again. Enough people have kids that there is no fear of our species going extinct from lack of reproduction.
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### Author:  [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/52 "2008-03-04T18:56:03Z")
My genetic survival instinct just isn’t that strong.
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### Author:  [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/53 "2008-03-04T19:17:36Z")
I’m a selfish man. Besides **Nashiitashii** , and the dog, I’ve no interest in having children. I have plans for my life and kids don’t fit in. We intend to do a lot of traveling, and maintain a lifestyle that isn’t super child friendly. I like them fine between the ages of 4-12 and can do without them at all before or after that. We work far to hard and struggle for our money, to spend all of it on a child. If money was not an issue, then I would be more interested, but as it stands, forget it.
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### Author:  [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/54 "2008-03-04T19:42:46Z")
My wife and I made this decision 15 years ago for a number of reasons; wanted to travel and enjoy each other, my brothers already had kids, no obligation…but our biggest was simply that we both don’t like children at all, and didn’t want to be hypocritical about it.
As for **tdn** ’s issues, I’m right there with him. The shocking insulting nature and frequency of people asking us point blank over the years why we don’t have children is astounding. I’m talking total strangers in line for the checkout…co-workers, relatives, friends, whomever.
Why is it their business? Aren’t they worried that it’s pretty likely that the answer would be that they were barren, or too old, or low sperm count? Wouldn’t the likelihood of insulting their age or making them bring up a medical issue prevent you from asking such a thing?
You get **really** tired **really** fast of having to defend your decision, while they have this concerned look on their faces - or even worse, pity.
Or even worse, in the case of a co-worker, “I’ll pray for you.” That killed me. “Don’t PRAY for me. Weren’t you listening? I said it was a _conscious decision_. Are you praying that I’ll change my mind!!! Why would you possibly care—oh, forget it.”
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### Author:  [@phungi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phungi)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/55 "2008-03-04T19:53:33Z")
[QUOTE=ErinPuff]
I don’t want to have sex with men, I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want to give birth, I don’t like kids, I don’t have the energy to deal with them, I don’t want to have to worry about making enough money to support anyone besides myself, I don’t think I would be a good parent, elementary school choir/band concerts give me a headache (but if I had kids, I would cruelly force them to do music), I don’t want to clean up baby food or vomit or poo, I don’t want the responsibility of trying to get angry teenagers to grow up into decent people, I don’t want to host parties with multiple screaming children running around making a mess of things, I don’t like children’s media (with the exception of a few books), I don’t want to listen to the whining…
[/QUOTE]
I have a lot in common with ErinPuff, and I am a man with 2 kids. I don’t mean to be completely sarcastic, but I can see my dinner table conversation tonight (Stealing a bit from Monty Python’s _Meaning of Life_:
> [@](#):
>
> INT-EVENING-DINNER TABLE - PHUNGI, PHUNGAL, PHUNKID1, PHUNKID2
>
> Phungi: Sorry kids, I was online today and realize you are a huge hassle. It’s scientific research for the lot of you
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### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/56 "2008-03-04T20:00:48Z")
[QUOTE=Morbo]
As for **tdn** ’s issues, I’m right there with him. The shocking insulting nature and frequency of people asking us point blank over the years why we don’t have children is astounding. I’m talking total strangers in line for the checkout…co-workers, relatives, friends, whomever.
[/QUOTE]
And I’m sure it’s far worse for you, being married. Having said that, me being single, whenever I’m in a LTR I’m always asked “Do I hear wedding bells?” Of course, it’s worse if it comes from the woman I’m seeing.
> [@](#):
>
> Or even worse, in the case of a co-worker, “I’ll pray for you.”
Holy shit.
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### Author:  [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/57 "2008-03-04T20:07:43Z")
We just never wanted them.
We want to travel, retire early. My wife has a growing business, and having a kid would cripple that business.
There has never been a time that I’ve thought, “wow, I’d like to have some kid running around.” We’ve ensured that it ain’t happening, too, if you get my drift.
And, we’re both from catholic households with brothers and sisters, and non-abusive parents who have always been together. However, we are both atheists.
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### Author:  [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/58 "2008-03-04T20:08:39Z")
As I posted in another thread, I’ve had people who, when they heard I have no children, have asked me “Well, have you ever been pregnant?”
There is no good reason to ask that question and no good way to answer it. Since I don’t believe in physically attacking people, I settle for a haughty “None of your damn business.”
Yeah, having to defend a decision about your own body and lifestyle to the world does get kind of tiring.
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### Author:  [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/59 "2008-03-04T20:32:40Z")
[QUOTE=tdn]
whenever I’m in a LTR I’m always asked “Do I hear wedding bells?”
[/QUOTE]
You could look confused and concerned and say, “No. You might want to get your hearing aid checked.” I would be soooo tempted to say that.
But I’m just evil that way. I plan to have kids eventually, and I have all kinds of evil responses planned for the belly-touchers and the people who ask stupid questions.
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### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2008, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childless-by-choice/440036/60 "2008-03-04T20:39:02Z")
[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
You could look confused and concerned and say, “No. You might want to get your hearing aid checked.” I would be soooo tempted to say that.
[/QUOTE]
Except that the people saying it are usually relatives that I care about.
A woman at work used to give me a hard time asking me when I was going to make an honest woman out of my girlfriend. She knew it pushed my buttons, so she would just turn up the volume. One day she started in on me, and I told her that we’d broken up. While it was a hard time in my life, the look on her face was pretty amusing. She knew she’d gone too far. HA!
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