# Children saying "sir" and "ma'am": Asshole parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2010, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775 "2010-05-26T01:10:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/141 "2010-05-28T13:26:37Z")
My brothers and I had to call our parents “sir” and “ma’am” growing up. It was pretty normal in the south when I was a kid. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/142 "2010-05-28T13:26:55Z")
That seems needlessly harsh. I know lots of people in every day life who when you ask them a question, respond, “Yeah?” or “Yes?” Why is that so wrong? Or is it only if a kid does it? And also, why? You’ve explained that it sounds wrong, but why does it sound disrespectful? ---
**Author:** ![filling\_pages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b9bd4f/32.png) [@filling\_pages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filling_pages)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/143 "2010-05-28T14:10:52Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > That seems needlessly harsh. I know lots of people in every day life who when you ask them a question, respond, “Yeah?” or “Yes?” Why is that so wrong? Or is it only if a kid does it? > And also, why? You’ve explained that it sounds wrong, but why does it sound disrespectful? I didn’t say anything about respect. Because of the culture I was raised in - which includes saying “yes, ma’am” instead of simply “yeah” - it just sounds ill mannered. Like not saying thank you when someone does something for you or not saying excuse me after you burp. Oh, and MrDibble: plantation boss? Really? Come on now. It’s not a matter of bowing and scraping and “oh, massa, can I use the car tonight, please, Sir?” More along the lines of: Teenage me: Hey, dad, may I borrow your car? Dad: Can you be back in an hour? I need to run an errand. TM: Yes sir, no problem. Dad: Okay, be careful. TM: Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/144 "2010-05-28T14:13:31Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > That seems needlessly harsh. I know lots of people in every day life who when you ask them a question, respond, “Yeah?” or “Yes?” Why is that so wrong? Or is it only if a kid does it? > And also, why? You’ve explained that it sounds wrong, but why does it sound disrespectful? LOL. It sounds disrespectful (or, on preview, “ill mannered”) because, within that culture, it IS disrespectful! Words are just air moving across vocal folds; any meaning at all, either literal or connotative, is assigned by community agreement. Context is king, and we’re not yet enough of a “global culture” for the connotations of words to be the same the whole US over. Besides that, even to my Yankee (;)) ears, “yeah” sounds rushed and slightly disinterested, as if I can barely take the time out of whatever I’m doing to deign to acknowledge that you’ve requested my attention. “Yes?” sounds better - it takes slightly longer to say, and it’s less of a grunt, and indicates to me that you’re actually listening to what I have to say next. In other words, you’re respecting my presence, my needs, and are open to hearing what I have to say next. “Yes, **Freudian Slit**?” is longer still, and indicates that not only have I paused in what I’m doing, I’m present enough to notice that you’re you and not someone else, I’ve acknowledged your individuality and presence, and I’m interested in what you have to say, so I can see why it would feel more respectful yet. Just in my personal experience, “yeah” is often followed up (after the request or information is given) with “Wait…what was that again?” This is true whether I’m saying the “yeah” or someone else is saying “yeah” to me. It just feels like a lazy word that doesn’t really indicate attention is being paid. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/145 "2010-05-28T14:22:58Z")
I guess I just don’t see a huge difference between yeah and yes. And for some reason I just feel weird using people’s names…usually I don’t call them anything. I’m not sure why. ---
**Author:** ![TheFifthYear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@TheFifthYear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFifthYear)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/146 "2010-05-28T15:19:20Z")
I want to add to those who have said that while “sir” and “ma’am” just sounds kind of weird and backward (but in a mostly harmless, somewhat charming way) to my ears, Miss/Mr Firstname absolutely grates. It also sounds, not exactly rude, but not correct or polite, either. Mr. Lastname, please. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/147 "2010-05-28T15:52:20Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Parenting, like pretty much everything in life, requires judgment and moderation. That’s why not everyone can do it. I don’t disagree with your post there BigT. It’s a hard line to walk and sometimes we will err on one side or the other. So far I seem to have done all right, my kids are grown and are generally well-adjusted individuals. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/148 "2010-05-28T17:02:10Z")
> [@TheFifthYear](#): > > I want to add to those who have said that while “sir” and “ma’am” just sounds kind of weird and backward (but in a mostly harmless, somewhat charming way) to my ears, Miss/Mr Firstname absolutely grates. It also sounds, not exactly rude, but not correct or polite, either. Mr. Lastname, please. This. My son calls me Dadster, and my daughter calls me Daddy. But I was rather a stickler that they call anyone over 18 Mr. Lastname or Ms. Lastname. As I was taught to do when I was a young person (I attended school during the late Jurassic). This was heavily reinforced in my martial arts training, where you called the black belts “Sensei” the first time and “Sir” after that. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/149 "2010-05-28T18:29:15Z")
As written: not even remotely. Though without reading the thread (yet), if the parent makes the kids call the _parents_ sir / ma’am… that is strange at the least. (still stunned at someone calling me ma’am… at a job fair… the person was easily my age…). ---
**Author:** ![Caprese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9a28c/32.png) [@Caprese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caprese)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/150 "2010-05-28T20:08:01Z")
I would not think the parents were assholes. I (grew up in CA, NY, and CO) did not grow up calling my mom and dad ma’am and sir. They modeled certain behaviors for us (they did use courtesies such as Mr and Mrs much more than our neighbors) but they never insisted on anything formal from us. When I grew up, I did pretty much the same thing with my own kids, but sprinkled in a little ma’am and sir to my vocabulary, and the kids did too, with no prodding on our part. And certain people were Mr./Mrs. Lastname. Why? > [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > The default should be a modicum of respect, not an absence of it. This is why. > [@ivan\_astikov](#): > > You don’t have to raise children to respect people, just not to disrespect them. Given the right example, they are quite capable themselves of determining who merits “respect”. I know, I was one myself. Unquestioning respect is not a trait we should be indoctrinating children with. I try to give _everyone_ I meet the same basic courtesies. For me it is a part of self-respect to treat everyone else the way I would like to be treated. If, to some people. the sir and ma’am stuff seems either stilted, backward, or smarmy and bogus, so be it. It feels pretty natural to me. ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/151 "2010-05-29T03:38:45Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I guess I just don’t see a huge difference between yeah and yes. And for some reason I just feel weird using people’s names…usually I don’t call them anything. I’m not sure why. Same here, pretty much. Yeah is used in place of yes, and disinterest would be something like “mmm hmmm”. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/152 "2010-05-29T05:47:49Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > My brothers and I had to call our parents “sir” and “ma’am” growing up. It was pretty normal in the south when I was a kid. Did your father call you “sir” in the same manner as you referred to him? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/153 "2010-05-29T06:00:30Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Did your father call you “sir” in the same manner as you referred to him? Of course not. Kids said “yes sir” and “No ma’am” to their parents, though. To all adults actually. Plus my dad was an Air Force officer at the time and ran the house like it was boot camp. If you’ve ever seen _The Great Santini_, that was my dad. He had inspections of our rooms where he would bounce quarters on the bed. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2010, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/154 "2010-06-01T08:01:49Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Plus my dad […] ran the house like it was boot camp. […] He had inspections of our rooms where he would bounce quarters on the bed. I’m still seeing “asshole” in this. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2010, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/155 "2010-06-01T08:07:58Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Of course not. I didn’t think so. Of course your case isn’t representative of every case, I’m still having trouble seeing parents calling their children “sir” in the same manner that their children refer to them. I think the people who had parents who did so are the exception. ---
**Author:** ![TravisR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a6a055/32.png) [@TravisR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TravisR)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/156 "2010-06-04T15:18:36Z")
My parents are not ass wholes but they do require us kids to use sir and ma’am when we address an adult. We are not aloud to say yeah or nah and we can’t skip the “sir” or the “ma’am” after saying yes or no. If my dad calls my name, I say either “sir” or “yes sir” because I can’t use the word “what” when he calls my name. Since this is a requirement in our family, there is no way to get out of it. I have been teased by some of my friends for having to be polite, but overall it is just automatic for me to sir and maam adults. If my friend’s dad tell me not to answer him by saying yes sir or no sir, I tell them that I have to anyway because my parents require it. My parents are strict on stuff like manners and homework, but other than that they are really great. TravisR ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/157 "2010-06-04T18:31:58Z")
The assumption that the parents are assholes seems a case of cultural bigotry, nothing more. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/158 "2010-06-04T20:09:36Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Dad was an officer, so I was raised with ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’, and excusing myself for interrupting and asking to be excused from the table. And dad called me ‘sir’ in return, though I was single-digits old. I feel it shows mutual respect, and even now I can be polite if I want to be. This is pretty close to my experience, although my Dad didn’t call me sir in return. He was probably a little more Great Santini-ish than your Dad (my Dad was also a career officer) in that he was pretty strict. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/159 "2010-06-04T21:14:38Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > I’m still seeing “asshole” in this. Well, assholes occur in the general population too, not just the population of “sir-and-ma’am-ers”. For example, I taught my kids to “sir and ma’am” but I never did this stuff that Dio says his dad did. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775/160 "2010-06-04T22:00:16Z")
I think there’s a _lot_ more to determining whether the parents are assholes than how the kid addresses adults! I am in my late 40’s, and often address other people as “sir” or “ma’am” (Grocery checker: “Will that be all for you today?” Me: “Yes, ma’am”). I even address my 10YO as ‘ma’am’ sometimes. I’m not from the South, but I realize it _is_ a culturalism there. I have been known to adapt other culturalisms as well. I know quite a few Iranians, and they use certain suffixes attached to names, and I’ve picked up a few of them. Doesn’t mean any of us are assholes (though I’m sure I have my moments!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/children-saying-sir-and-maam-asshole-parents/540775.md?page=9)