# Children's Book Titles You Are Unlikely To See... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 30, 2005, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354 "2005-08-30T23:19:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/21 "2005-08-31T13:23:19Z")
Ah- ha! Here’s one of my favorite threads from March of this year. Peruse and appreciate:[Kids’ books we hope we never see](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=308215) ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/22 "2005-08-31T13:43:51Z")
**What’s in Uncle Ernie’s Front Pocket?** ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/23 "2005-08-31T15:23:16Z")
[**Otherwise Known As Sheila the Great Whore**](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0142400998/qid=1125501771/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/102-9557797-9523330?v=glance&s=books) [\*\*The STD Giving Tree \*\*](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0060256656/qid=1125501742/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/102-9557797-9523330?v=glance&s=books) [**Dinosaur’s Do’s and Don’ts and Dildos.**](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671412000/qid=1125501706/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-9557797-9523330?v=glance&s=books) **I’ll Beat You 'til You Can’t Grow Anymore. A Guide to Shutting Up.** **Too Young to be Tried as an Adult** **Mom and Dad Fed You Your “Runaway” Pets** **How To Tell When You’re Going to be Put Up for Adoption.** ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/24 "2005-08-31T15:34:28Z")
**If it Weren’t for Mommy, No One Would Love You** **Clifford the Big Red Rash** **Curious George Throws Poo, and You Can Too!** **One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Shark Attack** ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/25 "2005-08-31T15:40:16Z")
**Are You There God? 'Cause It Sure Doesn’t Seem Like You Are.** ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/26 "2005-08-31T16:23:29Z")
**Peter Pan’s Pecker : A Pop Up Book** **Clifford the Big Red Dog : Communist Traitor** **Frog Baseball** ( Beavis and Butthead reference ! ) **Charlie and the Meth Factory** **Snow White and the Seven Sex Fiends** **The Valentine’s Day Massacre Coloring Book** **Hansel and Gretel Kill Your Mommy** ---
**Author:** ![Darwins\_Finch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darwins_finch/32/20304_2.png) [@Darwins\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darwins_Finch)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/27 "2005-08-31T16:48:12Z")
**What “The Wild Thing” Is** ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/28 "2005-08-31T16:53:30Z")
The Washington Post, Sunday, June 28,1998, Pg.F2. “The Style Invitational: Report from Week 273, in which you were asked to come up with bad ideas for a children’s book…” “You Were an Accident” (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) “Strangers Have the Best Candy” (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) “The Little Sissy Who Snitched” (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) “Some Kittens Can Fly!” (David Genser, Arlington) “The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion” (David Genser, Arlington) “How to Dress Sexy for Grownups” (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) “Getting More Chocolate on Your Face” (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.) “Where Would You Like to Be Buried?” (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) “Where’s Godot?” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) “Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her” (David Genser, Arlington) “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!” (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) “All Dogs Go to Hell” (Joseph Romm, Washington) “The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking” (Joseph Romm, Washington) “When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It” (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia” (John Kammer, Herndon) “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?” (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?” (Martin Keutel, Alexandria) “Bi-Curious George” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry” (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) “Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver” (Russ Beland, Springfield) “You Are Different and That’s Bad” (Christopher Richard, Springfield) ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/29 "2005-08-31T16:53:30Z")
Eric Carle’s **The Very Tourette’s Angleworm** Mercer Mayer’s **Little Critter and the Too-Friendly Babysitter** **The Berenstein Bears Learn About Date Rape** **One Little Whore: A 9th Avenue Counting Book** **Pus Is Yellow: A 9th Avenue Book of Colors** **My Little Golden Book of War Atrocities** Marc Brown’s **Arthur’s Mother’s New "Special Friend"** **Divorce Means That Your Parents Hate You** **The DK Complete Suicide Handbook** **I Spy Naked Boobies** **Blue’s Clues: Blue Goes Into Heat** **Dora The Explorer: Over Sendero Luminoso Mountain** **Bob the Builder: Gay Subtext? What Gay Subtext?** **Jesus Died So You Could Eat White Bread: A Baptist Book of Guilt** **You Know, Your Grandmother Would Have _Killed_ To Have Had That Gefiite Fish When She Died in Auschwitz: A Jewish Book of Guilt** **The Virgin Sees What You Do With Your Private Parts And Cries: A Catholic Book of Guilt** **Harry Potter and the Succubus** So far, the best one (to my mind) is **If You Give A Man A Blowjob** – made me laugh out loud. ---
**Author:** ![rayh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@rayh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayh)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/30 "2005-08-31T16:57:49Z")
[**Scouting for Boys**](http://print.google.co.uk/print?id=LdtVxcFpWFQC&dq=scouting+for+boys&oi=print&pg=PA1&sig=ZlwBSuHbSz4qjXjdZHYKhGC6B-4&prev=http://www.google.co.uk/search%3Fhl%3Den%26q%3Dscouting%2Bfor%2Bboys%26btnG%3DGoogle%2BSearch%26meta%3D) ---
**Author:** ![Meaty\_Beaty\_Big\_and\_Bouncy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Meaty\_Beaty\_Big\_and\_Bouncy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meaty_Beaty_Big_and_Bouncy)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/31 "2005-08-31T17:09:52Z")
\*\* Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Pedophile The Manson Family Album Torturing Small Animals for Fun and Profit Jack The Giant Liar\*\* ---
**Author:** ![melondeca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@melondeca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melondeca)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/32 "2005-08-31T17:46:00Z")
Here is a list that was emailed to me. It is one of the few emails that had me laughing out loud so I saved it. Rejected Dr. Seuss books: 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes sherbert 3. Fox in Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Hires a Ho 6. The Flesh Eating Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo- Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. The Cat in the Blender 11. Marvin K. Monney, Get the Fuck Out 12. Are You My Proctologist? 13. Yentl the Lentil 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 15. Aunts In My Pants Little Golden Books That Never Made It: 1. You Are Different and That’s Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad’s New Wife Robert 4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curios George and the High Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go To Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can Fly 12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up For Adoption 13. Grandpa Gets A Casket 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. You Were An Accident 19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 20. Pop! Goes the Hamster.and Other Great Microwave Games 21. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan 22. Your Nightmares are Real 23. Where would You Like To Be Buried? 24. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 25. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 26. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/33 "2005-08-31T18:13:56Z")
**The Faerie Kingdom Under the Kitchen Sink and the Queen’s Magical Potions** ---
**Author:** ![marque\_elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71c47a/32.png) [@marque\_elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marque_elf)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/34 "2005-08-31T18:48:06Z")
\*\*Nancy Drew: The Curious Case Of George’s Sexuality The Children’s Big Fun Book Of Things To Do With Your Private Parts Nobody Love’s You But Your Mother & She May Be Zoomin’ You Too.\*\* ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/35 "2005-08-31T19:07:33Z")
**The Snakepit of Tommy’s Mind** **Your Older Brother is Better Than you** **The World is Full of Wonderful People and They’re All Against You** **Boogers are Yummy** ---
**Author:** ![rayh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@rayh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayh)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/36 "2005-08-31T19:09:11Z")
\*\* Scooby Doo and Velma : The Real Origins of Scrappy Doo Little Miss Whore The Hannibal Lector Cookbook : Little Snacks for Little People Mommy and Daddy Don’t Live Together Anymore, And it’s YOUR Fault \*\* And on stuff the does exist [Britney Spears Guide to Semiconductor Physics](http://britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm) ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/37 "2005-08-31T19:41:54Z")
The Big Book of Busy Road ‘Dare!’ Games Jump Off Something High and God Will Help You Fly Let’s Go Search Mummy And Daddy’s Bedroom Crayons On Wallpaper - the Bumper Activity Book At Night, Satan Looks Like Blackness Good And Healthy Children Only Need Toilet Once A Week Food Is Fun If You Throw It There Are Magic Pennies In Dog Poo ---
**Author:** ![Sensibility](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@Sensibility](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensibility)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/38 "2005-08-31T20:20:25Z")
The Lord of the Drug Smuggling Rings Dr whoooo’s that sleeping under YOUR bed…! Alice in Ecstasy Alice through the camera lense Harry Potter and the rabbit in the hat Bare rabbit HOW to kill a mocking bird Fairies GRIM tales Watch With Mother (and the man next door) Budgie - The Little dead bird ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/39 "2005-08-31T20:25:10Z")
**Where’s Waldo : Sniping for Kids** **The Cat in the Hat Has a Bat !** **You and Your Sister : Incest is Best** **Your Mom is Pregnant : Why Moms Eat Babies** **My Little Sister is a Witch : Purged With Flame** ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-book-titles-you-are-unlikely-to-see/319354/40 "2005-08-31T20:28:11Z")
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