# children's cussing songs **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 18, 2001, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115 "2001-10-18T01:14:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommy_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/41 "2001-10-18T13:37:36Z")
**Manwithaplan** jogged my memory on this one. To the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies” Come and listen to my story ‘bout a man named Jed A poor mountaineer Couldn’t keep his wife in bed Then one day he was shootin’ at some food And out of hidin’ comes Elly Mae nude (Nekkid that is) Well, the next thing you know Ole Jed’s over there Pinchin on her tits And pullin on her hair Along came Granny with a ten foot pole And stuck it right up Jed’s tight asshole (Sideways that is) You know that is going to be stuck in my head all friggin’ day. ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/42 "2001-10-18T13:45:03Z")
Hello Mother Hello Father Greetings from camp… marijuana Coke is good here Grass is better I’m to f\*\*ked up now to write this letter ---
**Author:** ![JustPlainBryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/57b2e6/32.png) [@JustPlainBryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustPlainBryan)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/43 "2001-10-18T14:17:28Z")
I don’t remeber the whole song, but I do remember the end of it: America, America, God shed his pity on thee, We get our kicks, from porno flicks, and pray for MTV! Does anyone know the rest of the song? ---
**Author:** ![Formerly\_Bandersnatch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e36b37/32.png) [@Formerly\_Bandersnatch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Formerly_Bandersnatch)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/44 "2001-10-18T14:19:49Z")
Oh lord… here goes… Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, all these thing so good to eat, and me without my spoon… Me without my spoon… Me without my spoon… All these things so good to eat, and me without my spoon… * * * not quite a kids song but also to Jingle Bells… Jingle Bells Mortar shells… VC in the grass take your Merry Christmas and shove it up your ass… ---
**Author:** ![Oreo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c57346/32.png) [@Oreo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oreo)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/45 "2001-10-18T14:25:04Z")
Have you ever thought As a hearse goes by, That you may be the next to die? They wrap you up in a big white sheet And lower you down about six feet deep. It’s okay for about a week, But then the coffin BEGINS…TO…LEEEEEAK. The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out, The worms play pinochle on your snout. Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out And that’s what it’s like when you’re dead. (GOODBYE!) ---
**Author:** ![SteverinoAlaReno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb8c5e/32.png) [@SteverinoAlaReno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteverinoAlaReno)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/46 "2001-10-18T15:07:27Z")
This one we sung to the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic: Oh, I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it’s hot And I wear my woolen skivvies in the winter when it’s not But sometimes in the spring time and sometimes in the fall I slip between the sheets with nothing on at all Glory, glory, halleluiah Glory, glory, what’s it to ya? Refreshing breezes running through ya With nothing on at all Another one we sang On top of Old Smokey All covered with sand I shot my poor teacher With a red rubber band I shot her with pleasure I shot her with pride I couldn’t miss her She was four miles wide And finally (to no recognizable tune): Bang, bang Lulu, Lulu bangs all day Who will bang for Lulu if Lulu goes away? Lulu bought a tugboat, tugboat had a bell Lulu went to heaven, the tugboat went to Hello, operator. Give me number nine If you disconnect me, I’ll kick your little Behind the 'frigerator there is a piece of glass If you are not careful it might get up your Assssssk me no more questions tell me no more lies Boys are in the bathroom pulling up their Flies are in the kitchen, flies are in the park Boys and girls are kissing in the D-A-R-K dark, dark, dark (That last one seemed much funnier when I was 8 years old…) ---
**Author:** ![Politzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3ab097/32.png) [@Politzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Politzania)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/47 "2001-10-18T18:13:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr\_Paprika \* > \*\*Can’t believe I’m posting this. > > Diarrhea (fart, fart). Diarrhea (fart, fart). > Some people think it’s gross > But it’s really good on toast. > Diarrhea (fart, fart). > \*\* Some people think it’s funny but it’s really brown & runny… ---
**Author:** ![Politzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3ab097/32.png) [@Politzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Politzania)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/48 "2001-10-18T18:22:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by meyer \* > \*\* > Comet, it makes your mouth turn green > Comet, it tastes like Listerine > Comet, it makes you vomit > so get some Comet, > and vomit, > today > \*\* Minor lyric changes: Comet, it makes your _lips_ turn green Comet, it tastes like _gasoline_ I’m assuming there was a _real_ commercial for Comet cleanser that used the Colonel Bogey March (hope I got that right) & this is a spoof of it? ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/49 "2001-10-18T18:52:38Z")
My school’s version: On top of Old Smokey, all covered in blood, I shot my poor teacher with an elephant gun. I shot her with glory, I shot her with pride, I couldn’t have missed her, She’s 40 feet wide. And for the school “slut”: Hi Ho, Hi ho, It’s off to work she goes. She does a fuck and gets her buck, Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho. ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/50 "2001-10-18T19:38:50Z")
I love this thread! Here are a few of my favorites: Jesus Christ! Superstar! Who in the fuck do you think you are? ``` Marijuana, Marijuana LSD, LSD Scientists make it. Teachers take it. Why can't we? Why can't we? Rudolph the bright gun cowboy Had a very shiny gun. And if you ever saw it, you had better run. All of the other cowboys used to laugh and call him name. They never let poor Rudolph join in any cowboy games. Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say. Rudolph with your gun so bright, won't you shoot my wife tonight? ``` ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2001, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/51 "2001-10-18T20:42:42Z")
To be sung roughly to the tune of the old Batman TV series theme music – Batman took me to the movies, Batman played with my boobies. Batman took me to his house, Batman laid me on the couch. Batman stuck it in easy, Batman pulled it out greasy. Batman! Batman! Batman! Another variation on an old favorite – Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts Little dirty birdy feet Mutilated monkey meat! French-fried eyeballs dipped in kerosene, That’s what we had for lunch! (Without a spoon.) To the tune of God Bless America – God bless my underwear, My only pair! I have worn them, and torn them, On the seat of the old rocking chair. From the washer, to the dryer, to the clothes line, Where they hang! God bless my underwear, my only pair! God bless my underwear, my owwwwn-leeee pair! No cuss words, but clever nonetheless – As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day I came upon a billboard, and much to my dismay The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before. The wind and rain had done its work and this is what it bore: Smoooooke Cola-Cola cigarettes, Chew Wrigley Spearmint beer. Kennel-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear. Simonize your baby in a Hershey chocolate bar. And Pepsi Cola beauty cream is used by all the stars. Sooooo take your next vacation In a brand-new Frigidaire. Learn to play the piano In your winter underwear. Doctors say that babies Should smoke until they’re 3. And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton Tea (In flo-thu baaaaags!) ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/52 "2001-10-19T03:24:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Caricci \* > \*\* > > ``` > Rudolph the bright gun cowboy > Had a very shiny gun. > And if you ever saw it, you had better run. > All of the other cowboys used to laugh and call him > name. > They never let poor Rudolph join in any cowboy games. > Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say. > Rudolph with your gun so bright, won't you shoot my wife > tonight? ** > > ``` The version I knew was a bit different… Randolph, the red-necked cowboy Had a very shiny gun And if you ever seen it You would drop your pants and run All of the other cowboys Uset to laugh and call him names They never let poor Randolph Play in any rodeo games Then one foggy Saturday night Sherrif came to say Randolph with your gun so bright Won’t you shoot my wife tonight? ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/53 "2001-10-19T04:03:18Z")
Well, when I was in grade school this one was very popular… “There once was a farmer who lived near a crick, And every night he would play with his… Banjo in the moonlight for the lady next door, You could tell just by looking that she was a… Decent young lady who rolled in the grass, And when she rolled over you could see her big… Legs in the moonlight – she walked like a duck, She promised to teach him a new way to… Raise up the children, the girls could all knit, The boys were all outside, shoveling… Corn and potaters, they did it quite well, If you don’t like my story you can go straight to…bed!” Oh, and our version of the marijuana song went thus… “Marijuana, marijuana, LSD, LSD, Betty Crocker makes it, Ronald Reagan takes it, Why can’t we? Why can’t we?” There were several variants of the Old Smokey song: “On top of the school, All covered with sand, I shot my poor teacher With a green rubber band…” and “On top of the school, All covered with blood, I shot my poor teacher With a gallon of mud…” and then there was the very strange “On top of the school, All covered with poop, I shot my poor teacher With a blue Hula Hoop…” But they all had the same ending… “I went to her funeral, But she still wasn’t dead, So I took my bazooka, And blew off her head!” ---
**Author:** ![mblackwell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@mblackwell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mblackwell)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/54 "2001-10-19T04:19:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ellen \* > \*\* > > No cuss words, but clever nonetheless – > > As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day > I came upon a billboard, and much to my dismay > The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before. > The wind and rain had done its work and this is what it bore: > > Smoooooke Cola-Cola cigarettes, > Chew Wrigley Spearmint beer. > Kennel-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear. > Simonize your baby in a Hershey chocolate bar. > And Pepsi Cola beauty cream is used by all the stars. > > Sooooo take your next vacation > In a brand-new Frigidaire. > Learn to play the piano > In your winter underwear. > Doctors say that babies > Should smoke until they’re 3. > And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton Tea > (In flo-thu baaaaags!) \*\* This song was recorded by Homer & Jethro, I have an MP3 of it. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmundex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e19adc/32.png) [@Sigmundex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmundex)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/55 "2001-10-19T04:31:22Z")
This was a definite put-down… You god-damned mother fucking two-balled bitch, Your momma’s in the kitchen cooking Red-Eyed Shit, Your Poppa’s in jail, waiting for bail, your sister’s on the corner yelling “Pussy for Sale!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Khampelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Khampelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khampelf)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/56 "2001-10-19T04:42:39Z")
I just remembered one we sung to the tune of ‘Yesterday’ by the Beatles. Syphillis, It started out with such a simple kiss Now it even hurts to take a piss Oh, why did I, catch Syphillis? Leprousy, I’m not half the man I used to be. All my skin is falling off of me, Oh why did I catch Leprousy? Yesterday, my dick was always coming out to play Now it needs two weeks to hide away oh why did I catch leprousy? Why, her, box was sick, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say Now my, dripping dick won’t get thick like yesterday. And the words Perry Como wouldn’t sing. Nothing could be finah, than to be in her vagina, In the Mooo-oooor-ning. Nothing could be sweeter, than to have her lick your peter In the Mooo-oooor-ning. And I thought this board was going to be “Stuffy”. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/57 "2001-10-19T04:49:32Z")
My son Josh is sitting here and won’t leave me alone until I post this! (He’s twelve.) Gene, Gene,built a machine Joe, Joe, made it go Art, Art, took a fart And blew the whole damn thing apart! And I learned “great Green Gobs” like this… Great green gobs of greasy, grimey, gopher guts Mushed up monkey ribs, Sterilized canary feet French fried eyeballs floating in a pool of blood And me, without my spoon! I was a Brownie, and we used to love singing “Baby Bumble Bee” I’m bringing home a baby bumble bee won’t my mommy be so proud of me I’m bringing home a baby bumble bee Ooh, eee! It bit me! I’m squishing up a baby bumble bee Won’t my mommy be so 'shamed of me I’m squishing up a baby bumble bee Ooh, eee! There’s blood on me! I’m licking up a baby bumble bee Won’t my mommy be so proud of me I’m licking up a baby bumble bee Ooh, eee! I’t’s strawberry! ::): ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/58 "2001-10-19T06:43:14Z")
Ahem… Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m going down the garden to eat worms. Fat ones, thin ones, long ones, juicy ones, Oooey oooey gooey oooey worms. Suck their guts out, blow their skins away, Nobody knows how I survive On worms three times a day. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/59 "2001-10-19T07:06:51Z")
NO, no! It goes like this! Nobody likes me Everybody hates me Going to the garden to Eat some worrrms! Long slim slimy ones Short fat juicy ones Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy-wuzzy worms! First you bite the heads off Then you suck the guts out Then you throw the rest of it Awaaaaaay! Long slim slimy ones Short fat juicy ones Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy-wuzzy worms! Urp! comes the first one Hork! comes the second one Blech! comes the third fuzzy woooorm! Long slim slimy ones Short, fat, juicy ones Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy-wuzzy WORMS! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2001, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115/60 "2001-10-19T07:08:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Oreo \* > \*\*Have you ever thought > As a hearse goes by, > That you may be the next to die? > > They wrap you up in a big white sheet > And lower you down about six feet deep. > > It’s okay for about a week, > But then the coffin > BEGINS…TO…LEEEEEAK. > > The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out, > The worms play pinochle on your snout. > > Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out > And that’s what it’s like when you’re dead. > > (GOODBYE!) \*\* Okay, well I heard it **this** way: You better watch out when the hearse goes by Cause you may be the next to die They wrap you up in a bloody sheet And stick you down about 6 feet deep Then all goes well for about a week And then your nose begins to leak The worms crawl in the worms crawl out They start to play pinochle on your snout Your body turns a slimy green Your guts roll out like whipping cream Pleaaaaase pass the gravy! Quasi [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/childrens-cussing-songs/88115.md?page=4)