# Chimp beat down.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [March 4, 2005, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891 "2005-03-04T13:54:30Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/1 "2005-03-04T13:54:30Z")
Just heard on Today that a guy was beaten by two chimps\* while visiting an animal sanctuary near Los Angeles. He’s fighting for his life with serious head injuries.
If the guy survives, how’s he ever going to live this down? His drinking mates will never let him forget this.
Of all the indignified ways to go…
\*yes, yes, I know. Chimps are wild animals and no barrel of monkeys.
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### Author:  [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/2 "2005-03-04T13:56:10Z")
That’ll teach him to monkey around with Mother Nature.
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### Author:  [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/3 "2005-03-04T15:18:30Z")
[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7087194/](http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7087194/)
It’s a brutal story, especially the part where they note that his foot was ‘mauled off’ and they are now attempting to reattach his nose.
The irony is that he was visiting another chimp who used to be a pet until he and his wife were forced to give it up by the city they lived in.
Do not taunt happy fun chimp.
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### Author:  [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/4 "2005-03-04T15:37:29Z")
Obviously a candidate for the Darwin’s Revenge Award.
No I doubt he’ll be able to live it down. But he shouldn’t have to. Chimpanzees are some seriously nasty creatures.
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### Author:  [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/5 "2005-03-04T15:42:03Z")
> [@betenoir](#):
>
> Obviously a candidate for the Darwin’s Revenge Award.
>
> No I doubt he’ll be able to live it down. But he shouldn’t have to. Chimpanzees are some seriously nasty creatures.
That’s why they made General Thade in Burton’s POTA a chimp. Seriously. I think he was supposed to be a gorilla at first & then they realized that chimps could get much fiercer.
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### Author:  [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/6 "2005-03-04T15:46:52Z")
I’m really annoyed at my local news station for broadcasting a report on this story that included _far_ too much detail on the extent of the injuries. I didn’t need to hear that over breakfast at 5am.
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### Author:  [@Cynical\_Optimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cynical_Optimist)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/7 "2005-03-04T15:57:02Z")
That’s nothing. Ever witnessed a “Running of the Brides” at Filene’s annual sale? Day-yam, those ladies sure can get nasty. “Take my gown? Oh no you don’t!” 😃
I wonder if those chimps ever played Grand Theft Auto?
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### Author:  [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/8 "2005-03-04T16:04:00Z")
I saw a Discovery Channel or Animal Planet report on a village in Africa where chimps regularly kidnapped and ate babies. :eek:
They are wild animals and they are omnivores and they’re probably pissed that we’ve made their cousins wear hats, diapers and lipstick in the past.
Revenge of the Chimps.
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### Author:  [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/9 "2005-03-04T16:12:03Z")
Well, they do say that chimps have the strength of 10 men, so the guy should be glad he was able to hold his own.
Glad he was able to hold his own so they wouldn’t bite it off.
Er…
Anyway, it was unfortunate that the man was mauled and the chimps had to be killed. Is it standard practice to allow visitors in with the chimps? Sounds like a really bad idea to me. Obviously, it _was_ a bad idea.
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### Author:  [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/10 "2005-03-04T16:16:13Z")
Having had the misfortune to work briefly in a primate lab, I am unsurprised by this. My short contact with them left me with a lingering dislike of chimps and monkeys.
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### Author:  [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/11 "2005-03-04T16:41:01Z")
“Get your hands off of me, you damn dirty ape!”
Sorry… Had to.
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### Author:  [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/12 "2005-03-04T16:43:47Z")
> [@Wile E](#):
>
> Anyway, it was unfortunate that the man was mauled and the chimps had to be killed. Is it standard practice to allow visitors in with the chimps? Sounds like a really bad idea to me. Obviously, it _was_ a bad idea.
They weren’t actually in the enclosure with the chimps. The chimps that mauled the guy had escaped their enclosures and were running free.
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### Author:  [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/13 "2005-03-04T16:48:20Z")
> [@Neurotik](#):
>
> The chimps that mauled the guy had escaped their enclosures and were running free.
“It’s a madhouse! A _MADHOUSE!_”
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### Author:  [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/14 "2005-03-04T17:01:13Z")
> [@Wile E](#):
>
> [snip] Glad he was able to hold his own so they wouldn’t bite it off
Ummm not exactly, from the linked story
\*\* His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff’s Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian. \*\*
Don’t most men consider the testicles part of the package ? Kind of a separate but equal thing ?
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### Author:  [@sweepkick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweepkick)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/15 "2005-03-04T17:51:29Z")
> [@Ayesha](#):
>
> \*\* His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff’s Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian. \*\*
Gahhh!
:eek:
:crosses legs:
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### Author:  [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/16 "2005-03-04T18:24:19Z")
> [@Ayesha](#):
>
> Ummm not exactly, from the linked story
>
> \*\* His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff’s Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian. \*\*
>
> Don’t most men consider the testicles part of the package ? Kind of a separate but equal thing ?
Er … that’s what I get for not reading the actual story. I went by what they said on the television news. I guess they didn’t want to mention that bit … those bits on the telly.
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### Author:  [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/17 "2005-03-04T18:24:36Z")
So how has Jane Goodall escaped injury all these years? She just sits there with her little notebook.
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### Author:  [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/18 "2005-03-04T18:33:32Z")
I read that story earlier. I find it odd that they first mention that he had massive facial injuries and his nose was ripped off, but they only mention the foot and testicles in passing.
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### Author:  [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/19 "2005-03-04T19:12:31Z")
> [@a35362](#):
>
> So how has Jane Goodall escaped injury all these years? She just sits there with her little notebook.
“Standard” chimpanzees (_Pan trogodytes_) in the wild are normally avoidant creatures. While they’ll fight amongst themselves (especially males), will war with other tribes (mostly shit-flinging and posturing, but occasionally deliberate and continued violence) and will occasionally demonstrate social atavisms, they won’t approach humans without careful and gradual socialization. It took Goodall months before she could even establish any kind of contact with tribes, but eventually she became so comfortable with them, and more importantly, they with her that she eventually trusted them to handle her own infanct son.
Chimps born and raised in captivity are another bag entirely. As Goodall explains on [her (well, her institute’s) site](http://www.janegoodall.org/chimp_central/conservation/issues/as_pets.asp):
> [@](#):
>
> Aggression is a natural aspect of chimpanzee behavior and it is not uncommon for chimps to bite each other in the wild. Even the best cared for chimpanzee innately misses the companionship of other chimpanzees and may act aggressively towards owners. However much a misguided chimp owner continues to love his or her “child,” the chimpanzee will be too dangerous to keep as part of the family. Many owners, to delay the inevitable day that the chimp will have to be removed from the house, will pull the chimp’s teeth, put on shock collars — even remove thumbs in the mistaken notion that this will make it impossible for the chimp to climb the drapes.
Understandibly, if someone was depriving you of your kind of playmates, cutting off your thumbs, and pulling your teeth, you’d be pretty angry, too. As for chimps that are typically found in “roadside sanctuaries”:
> [@](#):
>
> WANT TO RAISE A CHIMP? THINK AGAIN.
> Chimpanzees are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes. Those that have been taken from the forest and their mothers belong in a sanctuary or a high quality zoo. Like human children, ape children learn in a social context, by watching and imitating adults. Chimps that grow up apart from a normal group fail to learn the nuances of chimp etiquette, and are likely to behave abnormally. As adults, chimpanzees have at least five times the strength of humans – too much for any pet owner to manage! Zoos usually refuse to accept pets because they tend not to fit into established groups. Historically, many pet chimps ended up in medical research laboratories. Today they are likely to end up in a roadside zoo.
So, they’ve typically been abused, or at least raised in a manifestly unnatural environment, and it is of no surprise that they are abnormally agressive. One can imagine a human child, kept in a cage and subjected to bizarre rituals and expectations for which it was not evolutionarially equipped to deal with would demonstrate psychoses, although at least it wouldn’t have five times or more the strength of a human adult. Chimps, especially infants, look amazingly human, but they aren’t and shouldn’t be treated as such, any more than bear cubs should be treated like domestic dogs.
As for gorillas, researchers have found that the conception of them as violent, dangerous creatures is as far from reality as it could be. While they are very strong and extremely bullish, they do not engage in physical violence except as an absolute last resort when cornered. Despite their size and bluster, they are gentle quasi-omnivores (fruits, nuts, grubs and insects, but no hunting or meat-scavenging) who would run away from a charging human child.
Stranger
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### Author:  [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2005, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chimp-beat-down/292891/20 "2005-03-04T19:24:51Z")
In Soviet Union, monkey spanks _ **you.** _
I’m sorry…
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