# Chirstmas carols you're not likely to hear **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 4, 2001, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884 "2001-12-04T19:27:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/1 "2001-12-04T19:27:43Z")
_Oy, Vey! Maria_ - I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus\* _We Three Queens_ _Rudolph the Differently Proboscussed Reindeer_ _Here We Go A-Wind Sailing_ More? ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/2 "2001-12-04T19:37:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doctor Jackson \* > \*\* > > - I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus\* > > More? \*\* Actually, this one really exists. I heard it several years ago on a local radio station, along with _I Found the Brains of Santa Claus_, and _Something Stuck Up In the Chimney_. And I used to have a copy of it on tape. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/3 "2001-12-04T19:48:13Z")
Since someone’s bound to do it anyway, let me just un-nominate any Christmas song by **Kevin Bloody Wilson**. They have all been done. Really. This includes gems as “Hey Santa Claus you Cunt” and “Ho Ho Fucking Ho”. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/4 "2001-12-04T21:17:48Z")
_Santa’s Drunk Again I Lit the Candles on the Tree (And Now the House Burned Down) O Little Town of Hoboken All Around the Channakah Bush I Want a Misfit Toy for Christmas Puddles, the Florida Snowman_ ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/5 "2001-12-04T21:34:59Z")
**"Gotta’ Restraining Order on Ye, Merry Gentleman"** \*Gotta’ restraining order on ye, merry gentleman, so best stay fifty feet… or soon enough a squad car and some pepper spray ye meet. 'Cause that obscene act ye performed in my bushes I will not have you repeat! chorus: Oh, those tidings of comfort and joy from Tequilla have consequences, yea! \* ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/6 "2001-12-04T21:41:14Z")
Where’s **Fenris** when you need him? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/7 "2001-12-04T21:45:09Z")
Have a Talibany Christmas. With Ossama La Badin. Hijack the planes, blow out your brains. Destroy the land of sin. Have a Talibany Chirstmas. Wear your clean budpas. Wear your chadors, eat the taters. Sing fa la la la las. Ho, ho the mistletoe Hung where you can see. An infidel waits for you. Kill him twice for me. Have a Talibany Christmas And in case you didn’t hear. Oh by Allah, don’t serve no challah. We had a Talibany Christmas this year. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2001, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/8 "2001-12-04T22:45:27Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by screech-owl: > O Little Town of Hoboken_ I couldn’t tell you why, but this was keeps making me giggle. O Cum, All Ye Faithful Hark! The Hari Krishnas sing Lo, How A Salvation Army Volunteer E’er Ringing Carol of the Sales ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/9 "2001-12-05T00:52:07Z")
The-u Fir-ust Ramadan the-e angels did sa-ay! ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/10 "2001-12-05T02:23:05Z")
1. Do You Smell What I Smell? 2. Whose Child is This? 3. A Gray in the Manger! 4. Single Belles 5. Angels We Have Heard Get High ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/11 "2001-12-05T03:19:55Z")
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - So Did Daddy, and They Wound Up on COPS” “Winter Wonderland My Ass - If That Fricking Snowplow Blocks the Driveway Again I Am Getting the Shotgun” “Angels We Have Heard On High - What the Hell Was In That Eggnog, Anyway?” “The Little Accordian Boy” “Rudolf the Brown Nosed Reindeer” “Deck the Halls With Pieces of the Latest Suicide Bomber” Merry Christmas, and God bless us - everyone. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/12 "2001-12-05T03:24:36Z")
Along the same lines: T’was the night before christmas, and all through the house, Mice were playing. Because the cat was dead. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/13 "2001-12-05T03:36:29Z")
Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house Everyone felt shitty including the mouse Ma’s at the whore house, dad’s smoking grass I had just settled down to a nice piece of ass ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/14 "2001-12-05T16:37:06Z")
Check Yer Balls if You’ve Done Holly Fa La La La La, La La La La Infection odds are better than prob’ly Fa La La La La, La La La La You didn’t don your safe apparel Fa La La, La La La, La La La Now it’s penicillin by the barrel Fa La La La La, La La La Laaaaaaaaa! ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/15 "2001-12-05T16:42:21Z")
_Chest cups roasting on an open fire…_ ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/16 "2001-12-05T16:56:20Z")
\*We three kings disoriented are, Bearings lost we travelled too far, Field and fountain, whores for mountin’, Following young pop star. O, star of Wonder Bra delight, Star with royal ass so tight, Screw Justin pleading for proceeding, Britany’s thighs are within our sights. \* ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/17 "2001-12-05T16:56:42Z")
[Jack Nicholson] 'Twas the night before Christmas At my mansion in Bel Air We were having a party And the Lakers were there The music was playing And everything was cool We had an orgy in the living room And skinny dipping in the pool When up on the roof There arose such a clatter I sprang off Cher To see what was the matter Sliding down the chimney Like a sack full of sh_t It was this fat son of a b_tch in a bright red outfit He dusted himself off And said with a smile, “I’ve been waiting on this stop For the past hundred miles” He popped a few pills And did a few lines Danced a couple of dances And pinched a few behinds And I heard him exclaim As he staggered towards the door “Ho-f\*cking-ho!” And then he fit the floor So if Santa doesn’t make it To your house this year There’s no need to worry He’ll be right here [/Jack Nicholson] ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/18 "2001-12-05T17:20:31Z")
\*Silent fart, holy cow! All ain’t calm in my trou. Run young asthmatic Mother and Child. Holey rectum so tender and wild. Christ, my drawers hold a piece, Christ, my drawers hold a piece. Silent fart, holy cow! Butt cheeks quake, oh and how. Methane streaming from anus so far. Party hosts blame pickles from jar. Christ, a flavor is born. Christ, a flavor is born. Silent fart, holy cow! Chip off block stains me now. Radient beams from my holey arse, Cause conversations to suddenly parse, I’m a guy that gave birth. I’m a guy that gave birth.\* ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/19 "2001-12-05T17:28:38Z")
_Jack Frost roasting, on an open fiiiiire… Chestnuts nipping at your nose…_ Huh? Oh, sorry… \*It’s Beginning to Smell a Lot Like Christmas Oh West Bank Town of Bethlehem Opal we have heard say “Hi” I Saw Mommy Riding Santa Claus ---
**Author:** ![FalconFinder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@FalconFinder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FalconFinder)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2001, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884/20 "2001-12-05T17:35:18Z")
Bob Rivers ([www.twistedtunes.com](http://www.twistedtunes.com)) has three CDs worth of hysterical Christmas tunes. I’ve seen some listed above (There’s something stuck up in the Chimney…) The newest one from last year is pretty good “Chipmunks roasting on an open fire” I made up a few in High School: We Three Queers Jingle Balls I Saw Mommy F\*cking Santa Claus (we’re not in the pit, so…) and: Here Cums Santa Claus (here cums Santa Claus, right down Mommy’s leg!) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/chirstmas-carols-youre-not-likely-to-hear/96884.md?page=2)