# Choose your bodyguard/mentor to defend the Dope! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 9, 2012, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153 "2012-09-09T01:28:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/1 "2012-09-09T01:28:23Z")
I have it on good authority that a (more) villainous version of **Skald the Rhymer** from another reality is preparing to attack, mainly because he needs a hobby on slow Sunday afternoons. This other Skald (or Skaldternate, as it were) is quite powerful , and so we need all able-bodied and/or sane Dopers to resist his invasion. To this end, our Skald has volunteered the Burroughs-Libby continua buggy for the cause. Each Doper may enlist one individual to either protect them during the upcoming attack, or train them in order to resist. Of course all individuals will be returned to their dimension of origin following the assault. No Eldritch Abominations or Cosmic Beings allowed, as the buggy isn’t really designed for them. In case you are not familiar with the capabilities of the buggy, it is able to do the following: 1. Travel through time. 2. Instantaneously teleport at distances up to an interstellar level. 3. Travel to any fictional universe the pilot knows about. Any superfluous damage or loss of life caused by our guests will be scowled at, then quickly swept under the cosmic rug and blamed on the Illuminati. GIRD YOUR LOINS! (This thread is totally independent of **Skald the Rhymer** but has his blessing/lesser scorn). ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/2 "2012-09-09T01:39:38Z")
Motherfuckin’ Yoda. ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/3 "2012-09-09T01:49:06Z")
I always pictured Skald as looking something like The Master (the Roger Delgado/Anthony Ainley version, not the new one), so I’ll take The Doctor. We’ll be just fine. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/4 "2012-09-09T02:01:03Z")
Both excellent loin-girders. ---
**Author:** ![antonio107](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7ea924/32.png) [@antonio107](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antonio107)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/5 "2012-09-09T02:41:09Z")
I call dibs on Zorro. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/6 "2012-09-09T02:42:34Z")
Doc Savage. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/7 "2012-09-09T02:44:38Z")
Buckaroo Banzai. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/8 "2012-09-09T02:58:41Z")
My karate instructor, sensei Twemlow. Added benefit that he’s already in this dimension. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/9 "2012-09-09T03:07:34Z")
The Twickister. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/10 "2012-09-09T03:08:52Z")
The Duke, John Wayne. He already used the buggy to shoot the Uberskald 100 years ago, so the rest of you are safe. ---
**Author:** ![Gagundathar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a183cd/32.png) [@Gagundathar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gagundathar)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/11 "2012-09-09T03:13:41Z")
Jacob Burroughs At least he could help me wend my way through the continua. ETA: I assume **Skald the Rhymer** is not available. Otherwise, I choose him. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/12 "2012-09-09T03:31:28Z")
[mod]Moved Cafe Society –\> MPSIMS.[/mod] > [@carnivorousplant](#): > > The Twickister. [nonmod]aw, schucks[/nonmod] ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/13 "2012-09-09T04:37:16Z")
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/14 "2012-09-09T05:47:57Z")
No question for me: John McClane. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2012, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/15 "2012-09-09T18:12:00Z")
Bugs Bunny ---
**Author:** ![getitrite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@getitrite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/getitrite)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2012, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/16 "2012-09-10T00:37:03Z")
Speedy Gonzales edit: due to the upcoming problems I also request Mr Peabody, he also has a time machine and is very smart, I’m a newbie and need the extra help ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2012, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/17 "2012-09-10T00:52:54Z")
Considering this is a message board, I’m going to go with Willow Rosenberg. I mean, Buffy’s Buffy, but Willow got the mad magick internet skillz. Plus, if \*\*Skaldernate \*\*shares **Skald** ’s weaknesses, he won’t be able to hurt Willow. He won’t even be able to talk to her. And he certainly won’t notice me hiding behind her. He’ll get all bashful and start examining his shoes and then \*\*twickster \*\*can banninate him while he’s distracted. Then I’ll make out with Willow, just 'cause. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2012, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/18 "2012-09-10T04:37:37Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Considering this is a message board, I’m going to go with Willow Rosenberg. I mean, Buffy’s Buffy, but Willow got the mad magick internet skillz. > > Plus, if \*\*Skaldernate \*\*shares **Skald** ’s weaknesses, he won’t be able to hurt Willow. He won’t even be able to talk to her. And he certainly won’t notice me hiding behind her. He’ll get all bashful and start examining his shoes and then \*\*twickster \*\*can banninate him while he’s distracted. > > Then I’ll make out with Willow, just 'cause. Verry clever. Of course, it’s possible this other **Skald** already has his own Willow. I like your plan. Me, I pick Hugo Danner from [Gladiator](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladiator_%28novel%29). Fellow needed a purpose, and defending Earth seems like a good one. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2012, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/19 "2012-09-10T16:08:29Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Considering this is a message board, I’m going to go with Willow Rosenberg. I mean, Buffy’s Buffy, but Willow got the mad magick internet skillz. > > Plus, if \*\*Skaldernate \*\*shares **Skald** ’s weaknesses, he won’t be able to hurt Willow. He won’t even be able to talk to her. And he certainly won’t notice me hiding behind her. He’ll get all bashful and start examining his shoes and then \*\*twickster \*\*can banninate him while he’s distracted. > > Then I’ll make out with Willow, just 'cause. I don’t understand why you think I – much less a more evil version of me – wouldn’t be able to talk to Willow. And _you_ don’t understand the “no-violence against-women” rule. More specifically, you have forgotten the Three Exceptions: self-defense, protection of someone I love, and shoving into a lifeboat. To answer the OP’s question: Well, obviously I’d be bugging out in the most cowardly manner practical, but I’d also enlist Michael Westin & crew to fight my battles for me. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2012, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153/20 "2012-09-10T16:25:11Z")
Chiun. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/choose-your-bodyguard-mentor-to-defend-the-dope/634153.md?page=2)