vandaphil, as we have already said, it REALLY DOES DEPEND on what your daughter did. Either your son is being ridiculously over sensitive, and not letting bygones be bygones, or your daughter really DOES deserve to be cut out of the family.
Since this is an anonymous message board and you have revealed no names, and you are still unwilling to tell us what your daughter did, it must have been really bad. In which case, I side with your son and say that it’s the right thing to cut her off and not invite her over so that your son can still be a meaningful part of your life. And you might also want to reassess as a mother whether or not your daughter even deserves to be a part of your life if she is unwilling to make up for her transgressions. I know that you poured your heart and soul into raising her, and she is a hugely important part of your life, but maybe your daughter is a bad person that isn’t worthy of your attention or anyone else’s. She really does sound like it. And I’m sorry. But it isn’t your fault. Don’t feel like you have to hold onto her just because she’s your daughter and you feel like that’s just what people do for family. Some family, even your own daughter, just isn’t worthy of all your stress, emotions, etc.
In the end, you really need to tell us what your daughter did. But because you are being so coy and so shy and saying that it really shouldn’t matter one way or the other what it was she did, that we should all just ignore that, it must have been really really terrible.
vandaphil, I don’t have any good advice to offer, but I wanted to extend my sympathies to you for what is a horrible situation for any parent to be in.
I’m fortunate enough to be in a family that, whilst we are not close, we do not have dramas like this. However, I have seen second-hand how devastating it is to a mother when their children act in this way.
In my situation, it is a close family friend (who I refer to as ‘Auntie’). Her first son got his girlfriend pregnant back in the 90s and after much drama, they got married. Her second son got his girlfriend pregnant about ten years ago and having been through it all before, there was a lot less drama this time. However, first son’s wife is now extremely bitter that second son’s girlfriend didn’t go through the same drama, and now refuses to be in the same room as her.
So every Christmas holiday is strained as the family balances having one son’s family on one day, and the other son’s family on another. She also cancelled her 70th birthday celebrations because it was clear that first son’s family would not attend and that upset her so much. It’s just awful to see how sad this has made my auntie, she has her faults but she is a kind-hearted soul who wants nothing more than to enjoy time with her family in her twilight years.
I hope things improve for your family, it sounds like steps are already been taken towards that, which must give you hope. I do agree with the others that you can’t control the actions of others and its not your job to make peace between family members, however much you may want it to happen. Concentrate on what you can control and try to keep the rest in perspective.
All the best.