# Classic One-Liners **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 4, 2011, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533 "2011-10-04T05:51:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2011, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/61 "2011-10-07T18:08:32Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Men can fake whole relationships. > > We don’t serve faster than light neutrinos in this establishment. A neutrino walks into a bar. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2011, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/62 "2011-10-07T22:21:42Z")
I should know, I’ve done it a thousand times. “Hey, Cosmo, do me a favor and call me a cab!” ---
**Author:** ![Satchmo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/satchmo/32/4223_2.png) [@Satchmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satchmo)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2011, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/63 "2011-10-07T22:41:38Z")
Ok, you’re a cab! Sorry Charlie, Starkist doesn’t want tunas with good taste… ---
**Author:** ![Ferd\_Burfel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecccb3/32.png) [@Ferd\_Burfel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferd_Burfel)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/64 "2011-10-08T16:00:52Z")
Starkist wants tuna that tastes good! I’d give my right arm … ---
**Author:** ![RadicalPi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/radicalpi/32/9806_2.png) [@RadicalPi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RadicalPi)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2011, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/65 "2011-10-08T19:48:53Z")
. . . to be ambidextrous. Side note: “We don’t serve faster than light neutrinos in this establishment. A neutrino walks into a bar.” It took me a minute to get this one, but I love it. Continuing on: I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens . . . ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/66 "2011-10-09T00:26:20Z")
From post #11… A woman drove me to drink . . . And I never thought to thank her. _W.C. Fields_ The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here.” ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/67 "2011-10-09T01:09:55Z")
> [@RadicalPi](#): > > I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens . . . and I was tired of not caring. I bought a house at the end of a one-way, dead-end street… ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/68 "2011-10-09T04:28:18Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > I bought a house at the end of a one-way, dead-end street… I don’t know how I got there. A married man should forget his mistakes… ---
**Author:** ![Jake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/69 "2011-10-09T19:45:45Z")
But his wife won’t let him. “The covers of this book”… ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/70 "2011-10-09T21:27:43Z")
are too far apart. I bought some powdered water… ---
**Author:** ![brittekland](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@brittekland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brittekland)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/71 "2011-10-09T22:01:32Z")
> [@AskNott](#): > > The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here.” Time traveler said, “I know you just made that up. I’m you from the future.” No snowflake in an avalanche… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/72 "2011-10-09T22:06:27Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![brittekland](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@brittekland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brittekland)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/73 "2011-10-09T22:52:36Z")
> [@Tangent](#): > > I bought some powdered water… But I didn’t know what to add to it. Don’t confuse me with the facts… ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/74 "2011-10-10T05:39:49Z")
> [@brittekland](#): > > Don’t confuse me with the facts… I’ve got a closed mind. I was the best man at a wedding. If I’m the best man… ---
**Author:** ![brittekland](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@brittekland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brittekland)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/75 "2011-10-10T13:23:47Z")
> [@brittekland](#): > > Time traveler said, “I know you just made that up. I’m you from the future.” (I apologize… I made that up. That was a juvenile thing to do. Sorry, I’ll redo it.) Time traveler walked in to a bar. No snowflake in an avalanche… ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2011, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/76 "2011-10-12T14:19:35Z")
> [@brittekland](#): > > (I apologize… I made that up. That was a juvenile thing to do. Sorry, I’ll redo it.) > > Time traveler walked in to a bar. > > No snowflake in an avalanche… Thinks it is to blame. Immortality is a long shot, but… ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2011, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/77 "2011-10-12T14:31:22Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > If I said you had a beautiful body… Would you hold it against me? Your lips are like roses. Full of thorns. Your eyes are like pools. Cesspools. Your nose is like a basketball… ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2011, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/78 "2011-10-12T15:13:15Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Would you hold it against me? > > Your lips are like roses. Full of thorns. Your eyes are like pools. Cesspools. Your nose is like a basketball… … always dribbling. [ETA: …and your teeth are like stars: They come out at night.] If all the virgins in the world were laid end to end . . . [Note: Not the same as #9 and #10.] ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533/79 "2011-10-12T16:01:43Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > … always dribbling. [ETA: …and your teeth are like stars: They come out at night.] > > If all the virgins in the world were laid end to end . . . [Note: Not the same as #9 and #10.] They wouldn’t be. (guys, try to stick to the first part in the previous post, and add a new first part yourself. I’m looking at you Arnold and Britt) Did you hear about the farmer that got dumped by his girlfriend? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/classic-one-liners/598533.md?page=3)