# Clever, funny lines **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 30, 2013, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270 "2013-06-30T16:07:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2013, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/21 "2013-07-01T21:53:40Z")
Dorothy: He said “Oil can.” Scarecrow: Oil can what? ---
**Author:** ![Molotok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecd19e/32.png) [@Molotok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Molotok)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2013, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/22 "2013-07-01T22:21:00Z")
‘‘Ah caught mah wife in bed with another man’’. ‘‘You bitter?’’ ‘‘Yep! Bit him too!’’ :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2013, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/23 "2013-07-01T23:28:18Z")
Let the light from the bridges I burn light my way. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/24 "2013-07-02T02:03:39Z")
A couple from Woody Allen: “My brain? That’s my second-favorite organ!” “I need a Valium the size of a hockey puck.” mmm ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/25 "2013-07-02T02:11:54Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > A couple from Woody Allen: > > “My brain? That’s my second-favorite organ!” > > “I need a Valium the size of a hockey puck.” “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.” ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/26 "2013-07-02T03:57:09Z")
From Wikipedia ([Randolph Churchill - Wikipedia](http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randolph_Churchill)): Randolph [Churchill, son of Winston] was often portrayed as the black sheep of the Churchill family—irascible, spoiled by his father, and with a serious drinking problem. Evelyn Waugh, who was a friend, captured the mood of many after Churchill had had a growth removed by surgery. On hearing that the growth was not malignant, Waugh said “It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the one part of Randolph which was not malignant and to remove it.” God, I love that line. I keep waiting for the chance to use it. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/27 "2013-07-02T08:31:42Z")
Another from Pushing Daisies: “The truth ain’t like a bunch puppies running around and you pick your favorite - there’s only ONE truth, and it has come a-knockin’.” Emerson Cod ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/28 "2013-07-02T08:42:15Z")
Missed the edit window, still PD “Wouldn’t it be great if liking someone meant they had to like you back? Of course, that’d be a different universe, and something else would probably suck.” Olive Snook “I can be a great resource for information on Ned - if you don’t mind me clawing your eyes out while we talk.” OS ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/29 "2013-07-02T10:35:26Z")
From the sadly underrated and long-gone sitcom Better Off Ted: “Those are just facts, and facts are just opinions, and opinions can be wrong.” Sums up the thinking of far too much of the world these days. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/30 "2013-07-02T12:50:47Z")
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” - Groucho Marx “The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” - Mark Twain > [@](#): > > “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. > > “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.” ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/31 "2013-07-02T14:39:00Z")
From “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”: “I want you to know that I respect you. Just not very much.” An original exclamation from a very good friend of mine: “Jesus H. Christ on a tricycle from Wal-Mart!” Another from the same friend that is a good, general insult: “He’s a 24 carat, gold-plated, wall-mounted, self-actuating, pull-start dickhead!” ---
**Author:** ![codgerone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c37758/32.png) [@codgerone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/codgerone)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/32 "2013-07-02T15:54:05Z")
Homer Simpson describing the French: “Cheese eating surrender monkeys” Hitch Hikers Guide: Slartibartfast to Arthur Dent - “Hurry up or you’ll be late” “Late for what?” “Late as in the late Arthur Dent.” ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/33 "2013-07-02T16:03:53Z")
“It’s not you, it’s me.\* I\* don’t like _you_.” Aeryn Sun, Farscape. ---
**Author:** ![leahcim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@leahcim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leahcim)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/34 "2013-07-02T16:11:03Z")
> [@boomerwang](#): > > ‘‘Ah caught mah wife in bed with another man’’. > ‘‘You bitter?’’ > ‘‘Yep! Bit him too!’’ > :smack: “So, she kissed me.” “And you kissed her back?” “No, I kissed her mouth.” – The Doctor and Rory Williams ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/35 "2013-07-02T17:38:52Z")
Just remember – it’s not a lie if _you believe it_. -George Costanza ---
**Author:** ![phreesh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@phreesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phreesh)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/36 "2013-07-02T17:51:36Z")
From Modern family. The husband is defending his old friend, whom his wife has just called a nerd. “Ling is not a nerd. He built his own helicopter, and if he was alive today …” I love the way he defends and then immediately undercuts his friend. Gold. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/37 "2013-07-02T17:55:18Z")
Peter Cook: “I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.” “As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.” “I’ve always been after the trappings of great luxury. But all I’ve got hold of are the trappings of great poverty. I’ve got hold of the wrong load of trappings, and a rotten load they are too, ones I could have very well done without.” ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2013, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/38 "2013-07-02T18:02:38Z")
From an email this morning: > [@](#): > > Is Romance Dead? > > A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: > > If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. > If you are laughing, send me your smile. > If you are eating, send me a bite. > If you are drinking, send me a sip. > If you are crying, send me your tears. > I love you. > > The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: > I’m on the toilet. Please advise. > > (Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?) ---
**Author:** ![movingfinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@movingfinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/movingfinger)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2013, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/39 "2013-07-04T07:21:57Z")
He carried her to the bed. It was like two tornados competing for the same trailer park."–T. Jefferson Parker, from _L.A. Outlaws_ “The House of Savoy never finished a war on the same side as it started, unless the war lasted long enough for it to change sides twice.”–A French newspaper reporting on Italy breaking with the Axis pact and joining the Allies “Advertising is the rattling of a stick in the swill bucket.”–George Orwell “Rome reminds me of a man who lives by exhibiting to travelers his mother’s corpse.”–James Joyce “The right gentleman’s smile is like the silver fittings of a coffin.”–Benjamin Disraeli about Robert Peel “I am sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review befiore me. Soon it will be behind me.”–Composer Ernest Reger, to a music reviewer ---
**Author:** ![turtlescanfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@turtlescanfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/turtlescanfly)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2013, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270/40 "2013-07-04T15:52:34Z")
From Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: “It’s unpleasantly like being drunk” [speaking about some form of space travel] “What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?” “Just ask a glass of water.” HHG is full of these clever turns of phrase. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clever-funny-lines/662270.md?page=3)