# Clinging to Michelle **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 3, 1999, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278 "1999-12-03T19:30:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/1 "1999-12-03T19:30:00Z")
You know, I was going to let it go… but with five separate threads in MPSIMS and counting, it’s reached critical mass, as far as I’m concerned. This is not a knock on Michelle. She seems nice enough. If her pic on the TM homepage is any indication, she is physically attractive. And that’s as complimenting as I get in the pit. Especially since she’s already gotten more compliments than Ricky Martin in a gay nightclub. But Jeezus people, get a GRIP! We are [serenading](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/002984.html) her (and very poorly I might add) now? Mundane and pointless is one thing, fucking embarrassing is another. I don’t think this message board has a drainage system adequate to handle all this drool. Come on! Some people are considering making [travel](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/002961.html) plans to meet this girl! Michelle is handling it well, for now. But I think it’s only a few more Florida plane ticket sales away from being downright creepy. If you want pics of hot babes in “tight sweaters”, I can point you in the direction of some fine (much of it free) erotica. If you want a long term relationship, try to find someone in your own area code. If you want to offer your love to someone, don’t base it on a handful of UBB posts and a JPEG. If you want an exciting sexual encounter, get MarkSerlin to pour _Drakkar Noir_ on your crotch. If you want to flatter a woman in a way that will ultimately either get boring or get you a restraining order, by all means stay the course. Rookies. * * * Back off, man. I’m a scientist. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/2 "1999-12-03T19:33:00Z")
But, Al…we’re doing it “ironically.” C’mon. I almost peed myself when manhattan started singing “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here.” * * * Uke ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/3 "1999-12-03T19:35:00Z")
Dammit, if I’ve learned one thing in the pit, it’s that ranting and UBB code don’t mix. Listen to the mating songs of the Lonely Internet Male: [http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/002984.html](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/002984.html) See a thread I call “Prelude to a Court Order” [http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/002961.html](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/002961.html) * * * Back off, man. I’m a scientist. ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/4 "1999-12-03T19:42:00Z")
Uke, I know that you are being ironic. I can grok irony, man. Like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. As for manhattan’s song, “Lolly” could be a metaphor for any number of things. Although it’s not nearly as explicit as “Conjunction junction what’s your function?” Many posters in MPSIMS are irony-deficient. And thus deserve to taste the red hot steel of Alphagene. Properly perfumed first. * * * Back off, man. I’m a scientist. ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/5 "1999-12-03T19:47:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Although it’s not nearly as explicit as “Conjunction junction what’s your function?” I’m shy. * * * Livin’ on Tums, Vitamin E and Rogaine ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/6 "1999-12-03T19:47:00Z")
Okay, I posted in the threads, so blast me for playing both sides of the court if you want, but I was wondering some of the same things Alphagene was. I actually think Michelle has gone above and beyond the norms of gracious behavior on this, especially with people threatening to show up in her home town. I have commented on her looks, and posted some lyrics in that serenading thread (but come on, it was BNL). I have not asked her for a date, haven’t offered up a resume (as though boyfriend is a position you can interview for), and most definitely will not be showing up in Tampa or wherever in Florida she is. Cheers to Michelle for being such a sport about this, but perhaps we should just let the joke die. * * * “Bodie, I noticed you stopped stuttering.” “I’ve been giving myself shock treatments.” “Up the voltage.” -_Real Genius_ ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/7 "1999-12-03T19:59:00Z")
Hey sorry there, just saw an opportunity to have a little fun. I think it’s interesting that message boards seem to abide by typical social norms, but in an exaggerated and accelerated fashion. Michelle, if you’re embarrased, I humbly apologize. But you seem to be enjoying the attention, so it seems harmless. Or, at the very least, Mundane and Pointless. Q.E.D. Actually Michelle, I think I’m just leeching off your newfound fame. Beware of people like me as your star is on the rise. And I had so many other Michelle threads planned. Auditing Michelle, Forgetting Michelle, Affirming Michelle, Waiting for Michelle, etc. Dag. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/8 "1999-12-03T20:27:00Z")
If I had the balls, I’d start a “Doing Alphagene” thread. If anyone needed doing… Properly perfumed, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/9 "1999-12-03T21:18:00Z")
> [@](#): > > And I had so many other Michelle threads planned. Auditing Michelle, Forgetting Michelle, Affirming Michelle, Waiting for Michelle, etc. Dag. Felching Michelle? ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/10 "1999-12-03T21:27:00Z")
How 'bout a thread like “Splicing Alphagene?” Except I think AG took his name from laboratory beakerware, ala Nalgene, not hereditary information carriers. * * * “Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I’m worried about the difference between wrong and fun.” ~P.J. O’Rourke~ ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/11 "1999-12-03T21:31:00Z")
It’s true, Unk. Al’s first username choice was “Pottery Barn,” but we talked him out of it. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/12 "1999-12-03T21:32:00Z")
DrainBead: > [@](#): > > Felching Michelle? Hello? Acme Plastic Products? Yes, I’d like to order a straw that will reach from Chicago to Tampa, Florida. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/13 "1999-12-03T21:33:00Z")
Jiminy Crickets! Did I just hit _submit_? ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/14 "1999-12-03T21:45:00Z")
Uke, You sure it wasn’t Tupperware? In the Guy Stuff thread he was awfully good at burping. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/15 "1999-12-03T21:46:00Z")
::making an effort to ignore Stoli:: ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/16 "1999-12-03T21:49:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Felching Michelle? Hey, neat trick, Coldfire! You threw your voice _and_ made it sound like Drain’s! * * * “Bodie, I noticed you stopped stuttering.” “I’ve been giving myself shock treatments.” “Up the voltage.” -_Real Genius_ ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 1999, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/17 "1999-12-03T22:56:00Z")
No felching, please. Thank you. * * * I crave an art that passionately transcends the mundane instead of being a device for self-deception.–Griffin, from The Griffin and Sabine trilogy. ---
**Author:** ![omni-not](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8dc957/32.png) [@omni-not](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/omni-not)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/18 "1999-12-04T01:35:00Z")
Lighten up, Alpha!!! Was all done in good humour (speaking for myself, of course :)). P.S.: Still waiting for the photos, though… PP.S.: The doing/splicing Alphagene threads _do_ hold promise. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/19 "1999-12-04T14:09:00Z")
Of course, this thread was the most meaningful to me. Being mentioned in the Pit shows that I have really made it to the Big Time! 🙂 * * * I crave an art that passionately transcends the mundane instead of being a device for self-deception.–Griffin, from The Griffin and Sabine trilogy. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 1999, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278/20 "1999-12-04T16:05:00Z")
This of course begs for a **new** Pit topic… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clinging-to-michelle/3278.md?page=2)