# Clueless guy wants to get back together with ex **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 1, 2010, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278 "2010-01-01T09:38:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/41 "2010-01-04T11:28:07Z")
jjimm: I thought quite a bit about it on the bus today… with no-one there to bounce my ideas off of… that part of the hypothetical SMS was based on what I said when breaking up with her - that according to people on the internet I wasn’t “good enough” for her… i.e. I was/am a loser… (in terms of what I have achieved) BTW note that Alice even says: “What do you have to offer, seriously? No car, no job…” ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/42 "2010-01-04T11:34:19Z")
**JohnClay** , that’s fine, but that’s just generality about you, not a specificity about your relationship. The issue _now_ is that you dumped her and she doesn’t want you back. The problem was your action of dumping her, which is unsurmountable. Having a car is very unlikely to reattract her. Give her up. Get the car and job to make yourself better for next time. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/43 "2010-01-04T12:06:14Z")
She might have contact with my family in the future… I guess I could just remain totally silent and wait to see if she gets in contact with me… (and also give up the hope that we might get back together) BTW recently she had written (as already stated) “I will be giving u more money for the internet soon” “Happy new year, we had a party last night, **we will contact next time some thing is on, with our group of friends** luv to ur family” I’m assuming that it isn’t a good idea to send her a message that I am giving her up (or maybe it is a good idea… it’s not like I’ve come across that situation before) ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/44 "2010-01-04T12:17:21Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I guess I could just remain totally silent and wait to see if she gets in contact with me… (and also give up the hope that we might get back together) This is my advice. Also, as I said, get the “Just Not That Into You…” book and read it. It would be their advice too. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/45 "2010-01-04T12:34:41Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > My advice: > > 1. Don’t get back together with this girl. > 2. Stay on your meds. > 3. Get into therapy, if you aren’t already. > 4. Focus on becoming a happy, interesting person in your own right: get a job, get some hobbies, start exercising, try to socialize with people. > > The way you’re coming across right now, you’re not in any position to start or resume a romantic relationship – it would just be bad for everyone involved. I would print out several copies of this and hang it all around your living area so you can see it every time you look around. Wow. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/46 "2010-01-04T12:52:06Z")
jjimm: Well done - you averted what could have been a very messy interaction between me and my ex. This isn’t performance art though - it’s just that sometimes I talk about myself in a detached way… Sleeps With Butterflies: Well I’ll read it over a few times at least… (I don’t have a printer right here) ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/47 "2010-01-04T14:56:49Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Great so I’ll never be normal in that respect. BTW it was people like you who talked me into breaking up with her in the first place… No, sorry, it was you who broke up with her. You are an adult, and should be capable of making your own decisions. It is nobody’s fault but your own that you broke up with her. I’m not going to give you any more advice beyond “stop asking for advice” simply because you don’t seem to be capable of separating the advice that actually might work for you from the rest. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/48 "2010-01-04T21:02:57Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > BTW recently she had written (as already stated) > “I will be giving u more money for the internet soon” Why the hell is she giving you money for the internet? And why the hell are you accepting it? This arrangement makes no sense to me, especially since you say you’re now earning some money on your own. Look, I’m trying not to get sucked into this, but I can’t help it. Assuming you really do want to do the right thing by this girl, stop taking her money. Stop sending her messages. Don’t even _think_ about asking to get back together until you have _yourself_ together. _Do_ go ahead and get a job and a car and so forth, if that’s what you want, but _not_ because you’ll win her back if you do. But because those are things people do to improve their _own_ lives. Focus on that, and when you’re in a better place, maybe, _maybe_, you’ll have a shot at your ex. Or maybe you’ll realize she’s not what you want after all. _Do_ continue getting professional help. And if it’s not working for you, find somebody else. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/49 "2010-01-04T21:18:04Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > plus at the moment I’m staying with my parents. [QUOTE=JohnClay] I have a public housing flat that is brand new [/QUOTE] Which is it? ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/50 "2010-01-04T23:40:39Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > Which is it? Both… and I use the bus to go from one to the other… ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/51 "2010-01-04T23:49:43Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > Why the hell is she giving you money for the internet? And why the hell are you accepting it? This arrangement makes no sense to me, especially since you say you’re now earning some money on your own. Well it costs for $40/month for the internet or $27 a month if I cancel the contract - the contract goes several more months… my ex used to be paying $40/month but I said she could pay $20/month if she wants (which is slightly better for me than cancelling the contract). I do get welfare money but I’d rather not be too generous with the internet money… and she could get the internet cheaper from someone else if she wanted to… ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/52 "2010-01-04T23:59:52Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Well it costs for $40/month for the internet or $27 a month if I cancel the contract - the contract goes several more months… my ex used to be paying $40/month but I said she could pay $20/month if she wants (which is slightly better for me than cancelling the contract). I do get welfare money but I’d rather not be too generous with the internet money… and she could get the internet cheaper from someone else if she wanted to… I’m still confused. Is she somehow sharing an internet connection with you? How far away does she live? ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/53 "2010-01-05T00:42:12Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > I’m still confused. Is she somehow sharing an internet connection with you? How far away does she live? When I was living at a place for the mentally ill to gain some living skills I couldn’t ring out on their phone so I couldn’t get dial-up or ADSL internet… I could only get wireless - which uses a mobile phone network. In most places it is very slow and it only let me download a couple gigs a month so in my flat I got ADSL… like I said it would cost $27/month for the rest of the contract to cancel the wireless connection and my ex was initially prepared to pay $40/month for it (then I cut the cost for her). ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/54 "2010-01-05T01:39:24Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Hypothetical SMS: > > **“Hi, is there anything i can do to make up for messing around with your heart? Can we start over? Maybe i can become more worthy of u by getting a job and a car.”** f;aljeroejorejorjeorjewoajroie _bangs head against the keyboard_ ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/55 "2010-01-05T04:46:49Z")
Well today I picked out a 3 door 1996 small automatic car for about US$2000. I also signed up for a two full day defensive driving course since at the moment I’m really bad at driving. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/56 "2010-01-05T04:55:40Z")
BTW while we were still together my ex would sometimes tell me what happened when she broke up with her earlier boyfriends… with one of them he put her stuff out on the road or something. With another guy he said he’d have other wives in heaven and also talked to another girl on the phone when he was still in my ex’s presence… and another one would park near her parents house and her father got him to go for good. Also her brother (that she lives with) is scared to go to a certain town because he’s scared of a “psycho” ex… also one time she showed me an engagement(?) ring that she got that she said she could get $600 for. Also she was helping to pay off a mortgage at one point and instead of splitting the house she got a car out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/57 "2010-01-05T05:25:22Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > BTW while we were still together my ex would sometimes tell me what happened when she broke up with her earlier boyfriends… with one of them he put her stuff out on the road or something. With another guy he said he’d have other wives in heaven and also talked to another girl on the phone when he was still in my ex’s presence… and another one would park near her parents house and her father got him to go for good. Also her brother (that she lives with) is scared to go to a certain town because he’s scared of a “psycho” ex… also one time she showed me an engagement(?) ring that she got that she said she could get $600 for. Also she was helping to pay off a mortgage at one point and instead of splitting the house she got a car out of it. Those are all good ideas. Any one of them is sure to win her heart. ---
**Author:** ![tesseract](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@tesseract](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tesseract)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/58 "2010-01-05T06:30:33Z")
I wondered in the last thread and I wonder in this one why all the vitriol abd derision. If I recall from upthread and the other thread, he IS talking to a professional about it AND he wants to know what Dopers think – which is very common on these boards. Just seems that usually people with disabilities/diminished faculties, etc. get a little more sensitivity on here. He responds kindly and seriously to all sorts of snark. Maybe it’s because he misses the snark and takes everything literally, I don’t know. If so, how do we know he’s not going to take some of the “advice” that way? I know he was clueless and I know what he said to his girlfriend – but he does have some mental illness that limits him. Seems to me that most people have been a bit too harsh. ---
**Author:** ![tesseract](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@tesseract](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tesseract)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/59 "2010-01-05T06:38:26Z")
OK, I was reading quickly this time…now I just caught the stuff about the Thai bride…and getting a “better girl” later in life. I spoke too hastily. _backs out of thread_ ---
**Author:** ![BMax](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bmax/32/4267_2.png) [@BMax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMax)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2010, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278/60 "2010-01-05T07:05:43Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > BTW while we were still together my ex would sometimes tell me what happened when she broke up with her earlier boyfriends… with one of them he put her stuff out on the road or something. With another guy he said he’d have other wives in heaven and also talked to another girl on the phone when he was still in my ex’s presence… and another one would park near her parents house and her father got him to go for good. Also her brother (that she lives with) is scared to go to a certain town because he’s scared of a “psycho” ex… also one time she showed me an engagement(?) ring that she got that she said she could get $600 for. Also she was helping to pay off a mortgage at one point and instead of splitting the house she got a car out of it. All of this except maybe the first boyfriend sounds crazy. I say do yourself a favor and steer clear of her, because you probably have a full plate with school, finding a job and therapy. You don’t need whatever kind of drama she’ll bring to the party. And the guy who “put her stuff out on the road or something”…my gut tells me there’s more to it than just that. Like he had enough of her crazy bullshit so he threw her crazy ass out. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/clueless-guy-wants-to-get-back-together-with-ex/523278.md?page=4)