# CNN.com: US forces find missiles, chemicals, sand in Iraq **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 7, 2003, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182 "2003-04-07T23:21:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2003, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/1 "2003-04-07T23:21:09Z")
**Karbala, Iraq (CNN) In a significant find, US forces in Karbala today found a cache of cannisters which may contain chemicals, as well as some weapons, missiles, and sand.** Pfc. J.P. Slowe confirmed that tests indicate that the cannisters tested positive for chemicals, and could contain mustard gas, sarin, or mayonaise. Three or four more days worth of testing need to be performed, but we here at CNN feel that these findings may or may not be significant. Slowe also mentioned that a cache of missiles were also found somewhere in Iraq, though he was not sure exactly where they were found. Embedded sources elsewhere confirmed this finding. The missiles might be Silkworm missiles, linking the regime to China’s military, unless the missiles are the Stingers that Kurdish forces misplaced four days ago. But we’re sure they are missiles. Pretty sure. There is also a lot of sand in Iraq. CNN’s military analysts note that sand can degrade the funcionality of the US’s tanks, as well as being damned annoying when caught in one’s socks or briefs. And since my editors never read more than the first paragraph or two, I will add a few more sentences here. The extra sentences will pad my wordcount. As we here in the journalism world know, size really does matter. And since Knoller and Browne got the juicy assignments reporting on the Baghdad airport and the recent incursions into the heart of Baghdad, I was stuck doing this. Those brown-nosers always get the best stories. Not that I’m bitter or anything. CNN will, of course, keep you updated on any new findings on these cannisters. And if there aren’t any new findings, we’ll just keep repeating copy to show you how serious we are about journalism. **EDITOR’S NOTE** : _CNN’s policy is to not report information that puts operational security at risk._ ---
**Author:** ![Rockford](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ac8455/32.png) [@Rockford](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rockford)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/2 "2003-04-08T01:55:46Z")
\*\* > [@](#): > > Karbala, Iraq (CNN) In a significant find, US forces in Karbala today found a cache of cannisters which may contain chemicals, \*\* Yeah right, and just yesterday I drove by what looked to be some chemical canisters in the industrial area of my city. Better call in the air strikes. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Rockford](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ac8455/32.png) [@Rockford](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rockford)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/3 "2003-04-08T02:01:43Z")
And Punoqllads, you probably should have mentioned that what you posted is a parody. ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/4 "2003-04-08T02:38:16Z")
Gaah. You’re right. The above is a parody. Do not handle without adult supervision. Rinse, repeat. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/5 "2003-04-08T03:05:09Z")
“A parody”? No way! How can it be a parody when I watch that same shit on the news? ---
**Author:** ![EasyPhil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e47c2d/32.png) [@EasyPhil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EasyPhil)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/6 "2003-04-08T03:08:01Z")
If those canisters may have mustard or mayonaise, did they mention anything about hambugers, cheese or components for salad making being found as well? ---
**Author:** ![j\_kat\_251](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/71c47a/32.png) [@j\_kat\_251](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_kat_251)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/7 "2003-04-08T03:11:55Z")
I think all disclaimers should be left off so the people with brains can laugh at those without. The haves and the have-nots, so to speak. OH IT’S A PARODY I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED, now I must retract my self-righteous indignation. For some reason, the line about padding the word count was the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all day. So deadpan. Gah, love it. ---
**Author:** ![j\_kat\_251](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/71c47a/32.png) [@j\_kat\_251](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_kat_251)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/8 "2003-04-08T03:14:21Z")
Especially with the rolleyes, I mean is that some supreme irony or what? Uncle Sam wants YOU - to overreact and leap to conclusions. ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/9 "2003-04-08T03:26:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by EasyPhil \* > \*\*If those canisters may have mustard or mayonaise, did they mention anything about hambugers, cheese or components for salad making being found as well? \*\* Can’t speak for Iraq, but I’ve found that the improper mixture of these inputs can cause possession and spontaneous use of chemical weapons. Especially if there are radishes in the salad. ---
**Author:** ![Early\_Out](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Early\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Early_Out)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/10 "2003-04-08T12:45:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by manhattan \* > \*\*Can’t speak for Iraq, but I’ve found that the improper mixture of these inputs can cause possession and spontaneous use of chemical weapons. Especially if there are radishes in the salad. \*\* Sort of a Weapon of Mass Digestion, I assume? Haven’t there been several Security Council resolutions about these? ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cnn-com-us-forces-find-missiles-chemicals-sand-in-iraq/167182/11 "2003-04-08T14:56:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by j\_kat\_251 \* > \*\*I think all disclaimers should be left off so the people with brains can laugh at those without. The haves and the have-nots, so to speak. OH IT’S A PARODY I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED, now I must retract my self-righteous indignation. \*\* For some reason I agree with you.