# Colbert's Balls **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 5, 2006, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572 "2006-05-05T18:04:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![New\_Iskander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/db5fbb/32.png) [@New\_Iskander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Iskander)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/1 "2006-05-05T18:04:38Z")
Steve Colbert of ‘Comedy Central’ and host of ‘Colbert’s Report’ performed recently at White House Correspondents Dinner. No problem with the performance, you understand. It was good for at least few chuckles, or quite a few, depending how one feels about it. What I wish to pit is the sudden attention to Colbert’s balls, that sprang overnight and spread like virtual wildfire across this nation. The best I was able to ascertain, the whole thing was started by Jon Stewart, who called Colbert’s skit ‘balls-a-liscious’. Well, I’m not surprised to get a confimation that those perverts on ‘Comedy Central’ size up and polish each other private parts all the time. So, yes, no surprise was there. But then the whole left-addled part of the US went, well, _nuts_. Everywhere you turn, can’t help but hear about Colbert’s balls. Steve’s balls this, balls that, balls made of this or that… enough already! Disaster is looming. Colbert’s balls has been now massaged so they expanded to the size of Jupiter and polished so they blind the Sun. Stop!!! Take pity of poor man! For you it is an idle folly, but the man Steve has to live with the consequences. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/2 "2006-05-05T18:07:21Z")
Feeling a little testy? Daniel ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/3 "2006-05-05T18:08:15Z")
Oh boy today is a good day. First humpy’s little faux paux, now this. I really love you guys, you’re always good for a laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/4 "2006-05-05T18:08:22Z")
Link to Colbert’s balls, or to references thereof? ---
**Author:** ![New\_Iskander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/db5fbb/32.png) [@New\_Iskander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Iskander)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/5 "2006-05-05T18:12:57Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Link to Colbert’s balls, or to references thereof? If you like balls, [this is the place](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=369672&page=1&pp=50). ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/6 "2006-05-05T18:20:39Z")
**Iskander** , you not only eat stupid food for breakfast, you follow it up with stupid pills, then wander over to the idiot gym and smash yourself in the head with the weights. As I noted in the other thread, you dope, Colbert’s character on the Colbert Report has kind of an obsession with [talking about his balls](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Colbert_Report_recurring_elements#Stephen_Colbert.27s_Big_Brass_Balls). That’s why you saw so many references to “balls” in that thread. You’ve once again made an ass of yourself. And to do it after you’d already been informed why people were talking about Colbert’s balls… that takes balls. ---
**Author:** ![Talon\_Karrde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Talon\_Karrde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Talon_Karrde)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/7 "2006-05-05T18:22:07Z")
If you watch the Colbert Report, you’ll see that he talks about how important it is to have balls all the time. Being ballsy is sort of a running theme of his. That’s why people are paying him tribute by saying he has major balls. But now that you mention it, I don’t really want to fixate on his testicles. I mentioned them more times in this post than I would ever want to. I blame you, **New Iskander**. I wouldn’t have explained it if you hadn’t brought it up. Thanks a lot. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/8 "2006-05-05T18:25:05Z")
I’ve heard that Colbert’s balls are not really round but more ovoidal. And that they’re -alicious. Do you think they have hair all around or do they have shiny bald spots on them like other’s I’ve seen. You know, I’ve seen my share of balls and, contrary to what other people were saying in that other thread, I don’t think Stephen’s balls are made of brass. It’s probably those shiny bald spots people are confusing with brass. I do like how Colbert rested them on the chin of the president AND the media. That was a hoot. Did I mention balls? Of the testicular kind. Ballsy balls balls. Juevos. Cojones. Family jewels. Hairy sperm holders. Nutsacks. ---
**Author:** ![E-Sabbath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19adc/32.png) [@E-Sabbath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-Sabbath)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/9 "2006-05-05T18:27:35Z")
[I’d like to dip my balls in it!](http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=474138) ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/10 "2006-05-05T18:29:28Z")
You really should read the Wikipedia article **Marley23** linked to. Here’s the relevant highlights; > [@](#): > > Balls: Colbert makes frequent references to “balls”, using an American slang term referring to machismo, courage (as well as testicles). Usually, he invokes the term to refer to either the courage of America, or the lack of courage of other countries, as he perceives the matter. In fact, Colbert brings out a set of brass balls to illustrate this point from time to time, occasionally awarding to a worthy recipient. > [@](#): > > **Stephen Colbert’s Big Brass Balls** This award first appeared on the February 9, 2006 Episode of The Colbert Report. The priapic trophy consists of two swinging golden balls, somewhat similar to a Newton’s cradle. > Recipients of the Award include: > > John Boehner > Elected as the new House Majority Leader to reform the House Republicans, who were “feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals”, CNN revealed that Boehner rents an apartment from a lobbyist whose clients allegedly had an interest in legislation that he sponsored. Colbert supposes that as where Boehner lives is public record he therefore knew someone would find out, arriving at the conclusion that he didn’t care, even though he ran on a platform of lobbying reform. This must, Colbert summarizes, have taken “muchos huevos grandes”. As well as two of the books he’s “written”, Don’t Buy This Book If You Don’t Have The Balls and the children’s version of that book. It’s a frequent topic for him. Just like any other person with a catchphrase or way of speaking, it’s going to be used by the media when commenting on them and it’s appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/11 "2006-05-05T18:38:09Z")
No one was really suggesting that Colbert’s performance was an act of incredible, personal courage. When people say it took “balls” (which, as has been said, is an internal reference to the character himself), they’re really only talking about a certain kind of audacity or chutzpah. Everyone understands he wasn’t going to get burned at the stake, but speaking truth to power (or in this case ridiculing power to its face) is always worthy of being called “ballsy” even if it doesn’t involve any literal risk of life and limb (though Colbert should probably make sure he’s got all his receipts and check blanks for the last five years). The word has a lot of range and it’s silly to suggest that it can’t be used unless someone is risking his life. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/12 "2006-05-05T18:47:12Z")
Do they hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can he tie them in a knot? Can he tie them in a bow? … 😉 ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/13 "2006-05-05T18:57:44Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Do they hang low? > Do they wobble to and fro? > Can he tie them in a knot? > Can he tie them in a bow? Are you implying that there is some question as to his ball-istic ability in these areas? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/14 "2006-05-05T18:58:49Z")
There’s now a thread about this usage of “balls” in GQ. There’s no clear acknowledgement, but it appears that Colbert’s balls have gotten into three different SD fora. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/15 "2006-05-05T19:02:08Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Do they hang low? > Do they wobble to and fro? > Can he tie them in a knot? > Can he tie them in a bow? > > … 😉 Note to self… Do not read any of this stuff when you have a mouth full of coffee 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/16 "2006-05-05T19:19:37Z")
> [@New Iskander](#): > > …Everywhere you turn, can’t help but hear about Colbert’s balls. Steve’s balls this, balls that, balls made of this or that… enough already!.. It’s really not as bad as all that. Certain words and characteristics just tend to pop up over and over in connection to certain people. Just using the SDMB search function on “Colbert + balls” turns up 19 hits over the past couple of years: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=1632126](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=1632126) That’s quite a few. It’s almost half the matches achieved when searching “New Iskander + stupid:” [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=1632120](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=1632120) , and three more than “New Iskander + idiot” yields: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=1632147](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=1632147) Now, that’s adjusted for a small community that’s likely to be familiar with the work of both of you. I could well imagine that in the wider world, your reputation for inanity might well be temporarily overshadowed by this new-found appreciation for Colbert’s balls. And I agree with you that that’s a sad and frightening thing. It’s important, though, that you not try for some single masterstroke of idiocy designed to restore your status all at once: you haven’t properly trained for it and you might pull something. Rather, just keep posting small but easily mastered fallacies and misperceptions. Use your vast reserves of ignorance to outlast the bastard, and the next one after him. We’re all behind you – don’t turn around, just take my word for it. Stay focused on your goal, which is just over the horizon. Somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/17 "2006-05-05T19:23:22Z")
> [@SteveG1](#): > > Note to self… > > Do not read any of this stuff when you have a mouth full of coffee 😃 Or a mouth full of balls. And with that crass and self-injurious joke out of the way, I’m slinking off to lunch. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/18 "2006-05-05T19:25:32Z")
I wonder if he has a ballroom? ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/19 "2006-05-05T19:32:16Z")
> [@NurseCarmen](#): > > I wonder if he has a ballroom? I bet he’s having a ball, being on the ball the way he is. He’s made some people go _ball_-istic and that takes…guts. (I made someone laugh and spew coffee in the Pit! I am so proud) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Squink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@Squink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squink)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2006, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572/20 "2006-05-05T19:32:22Z")
> [@The King of Soup](#): > > Just using the SDMB search function on “Colbert + balls” turns up 19 hits over the past couple of years. Wow, that’s nearly twice the number of times ‘Oconomowoc’ has _ever_ been mentioned (10). [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/colberts-balls/355572.md?page=2)