But they’re both connected to one brain. And that brain generally remembers the pain of picking up an oven-hot metal pan with your bare hands.
Almost the same exact thing happened to me when I reached for the pepper shaker on a high shelf when I was deep frying. Except it’s a 9.5-inch long scar. And, it’s on my penis.
Remind me to not fry in the nude again.
Ouch. Spiral burns are the worst! What was it, 10 - 12 times around? 
Cook the collards with the ham hock.
Lie to your wife.
I’ve never not taken out the stems.
Good idea. That way I get them the way I like them, and they won’t be ‘too greasy’ for her. (Though I’ve never found them to be greasy at all.)
I use a ten-inch cast-iron frying pan slathered with Crisco shortening in a 400ºF oven.
Worst ham hock substitute ever.
Well, mine’s a twelve-incher, but don’t let that intimidate you. 
Crisco’s ok, but if you want to up your game, slather your iron pan with lard, bacon grease, or a combination of both. I also include bits of bacon, jalapenos and a small can of sweet white corn (whole or creamed), so I can see the result of my effort in my next bowel movement.
I like my cracklin’ corn bread to be nearly black on the bottom and really crackle. If I don’t crack a tooth, I’ve failed.
Methinks you should try it first, before making that assumption. 
Or maybe she loves you very much.
Back when ‘Dinner and A Movie’ was on TBS, I followed Paul and Annabell’s recipe and made collards with a ham hock and black eyed peas. It came out so salty, it was inedible. Inedible. I had to throw it all out.
So, any tips on parboiling a ham hock first, or a turkey neck, to get some of the salt out? I’ve generally just substituted some chopped ham instead of a hock. I’m afraid to try it with the ham hock again.
I’ve never had that issue, but perhaps your ham hocks are bigger or saltier than the ones I use. I just toss them straight in and usually still have to end up adjusting the salt level a little upward.
But, yeah, you can soak for 24 hours in water, changing it maybe three or four times, to get a good bit of the salt out.
Same here.
Ham into cold water, bring to a rolling boil, drain, rinse, and then you’re ready to rock and roll. It depends massively on the cure of your particular ham, obviously, but that’s pretty standard practice round these parts.