# College dorm roomie's date sleeping over **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 29, 2008, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700 "2008-09-29T13:22:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/41 "2008-09-29T19:08:59Z")
Is their hot monkey sex keeping him awake at night? I’d tell him to suck it up vis-a-vis the changing, but nightly sleep interference would be beyond the pale IMO. Definitely have a suite meeting though before going to the RA. Hopefully somebody will be able to just switch with your son. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/42 "2008-09-29T19:09:42Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Your son is being a prude. It’s one thing if her being there annoys him, but wanting her gone because he doesn’t want her to see his unmentionables? Pretty weak. He can easily change in the bathroom, or under a towel, or have her turn around, or get over himself and change in front of her. I’m leaning this way (and **WhyNot** ’s), though I should admit I’ve never lived in a dorm room, though I’ve spent days on end in them visiting friends. Dorm rooms aren’t exactly meant to be particularly comfortable, and one of the reasons is that sometimes your roommates are gonna be getting laid. Part of dorm life is learning how to deal with things outside your comfort zone. Hell, I’ve spent about two weeks in various dorm rooms and I loosened up quite a bit. Nothing like shitting in a stall next to a cute girl doing the same to re-evaluate what you’re going to let bother you. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/43 "2008-09-29T19:21:41Z")
Yep, your son’s roommate is being a dick. I mean, freshman year I had girls sleep over occasionally, maybe once every month or two. I’d have done it more often, but I always cleared it with my roommate first and he volunteered to sleep elsewhere that night (always a weekend). I didn’t try it more often because I’d have felt guilty, and I don’t think I’d feel comfortable having someone sleep over with my roommate in the room. Is your son’s roommate having sex with your son in the room? I realize this sounds absurd, but I’ve known it to happen (never to me, thank God) and that’s way, way, way over the line. Asleep or not, your son has the right to expect that no one will have sex while he is in the room, and I’d be shocked if the RA wouldn’t help put a stop to that. And if not, and all that’s happening is sleep, then your son may or may not be being a bit of a prude, but it’s _within his rights to be one_, and he need not apologize for this. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/44 "2008-09-29T19:30:13Z")
I will give a contrary position. My girlfriend and I (now my wife) used to sleep together most nights in my single bed with my roommate my freshman - junior years. My roommate brought females to our room all the time so he had no room to talk. We each had sex while each other was in the room many, many times (multiple roommates). We didn’t watch each other. I just turned my head to the wall as did them. The only indication of what was going on was bouncing and orgasm vocalization. I also used the girls bathroom to take a shower whenever I was on her floor. No one cared although I would have to lie if I said that I didn’t enjoy seeing so many naked females. I would hope that someone enjoyed seeing me naked. That is what college is all about. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/45 "2008-09-29T19:32:42Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Your son is being a prude. It’s one thing if her being there annoys him, but wanting her gone because he doesn’t want her to see his unmentionables? Pretty weak. He can easily change in the bathroom, or under a towel, or have her turn around, or get over himself and change in front of her. Is it really part of the “college experience” to be forced to show your dangly bits to a female stranger in the “privacy” of your own room? This isn’t the military…the kid is paying to be there. I don’t think he should have to change his routine just because he has an unwelcome visitor. ---
**Author:** ![Mahna\_Mahna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e47c2d/32.png) [@Mahna\_Mahna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahna_Mahna)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/46 "2008-09-29T19:42:06Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Your son is being a prude. It’s one thing if her being there annoys him, but wanting her gone because he doesn’t want her to see his unmentionables? Pretty weak. He can easily change in the bathroom, or under a towel, or have her turn around, or get over himself and change in front of her. Why? It’s HIS room, not hers. I’d agree if the kid had a problem with changing in front of his own male roommate, but this is his roommate’s uninvited guest that we’re talking about… that gives Dinsdale Jr every right to feel like his privacy is being intruded upon, especially if she’s there on a nightly basis. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/47 "2008-09-29T19:49:05Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > Yep, your son’s roommate is being a dick. I mean, freshman year I had girls sleep over occasionally, maybe once every month or two. I’d have done it more often, but I always cleared it with my roommate first and he volunteered to sleep elsewhere that night (always a weekend). I didn’t try it more often because I’d have felt guilty, and I don’t think I’d feel comfortable having someone sleep over with my roommate in the room. > > Is your son’s roommate having sex with your son in the room? I realize this sounds absurd, but I’ve known it to happen (never to me, thank God) and that’s way, way, way over the line. Asleep or not, your son has the right to expect that no one will have sex while he is in the room, and I’d be shocked if the RA wouldn’t help put a stop to that. > > And if not, and all that’s happening is sleep, then your son may or may not be being a bit of a prude, but it’s _within his rights to be one_, and he need not apologize for this. God, I’d hope the roommate is getting some, otherwise he needs a new girlfriend. “Honey, I just want to cuddle” needs to be reserved for after the wedding! That happens all the time in college dorm rooms - and some roommates are fine with it. (There is a certain amount of quid pro quo going on - eventually - you hope - you’ll be getting lucky with your S.O. and will need a spot to do it). However, he also needs to learn that a double is not a triple - at least, not unless your real roommate agrees to the deal. (Is her roommate cute? I remember cases - generally with Sophomores and Juniors where two girls would room and their boyfriends would room together - once Mom and Dad got in the SUV and drove away - a flurry of stuff moving occurred and you had cohabitation. Though I suppose one would rather pick one’s girlfriend on some criteria other than ‘her roomie is sleeping in my room - I might as well sleep in hers.’) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/48 "2008-09-29T19:50:22Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Is it really part of the “college experience” to be forced to show your dangly bits to a female stranger in the “privacy” of your own room? This isn’t the military…the kid is paying to be there. I don’t think he should have to change his routine just because he has an unwelcome visitor. Is it part of the military nowadays to show one’s dangly bits to the opposite gender? I thought even the military enforced some amount of gender segregation when it came to bunk arrangements. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/49 "2008-09-29T19:50:58Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I also used the girls bathroom to take a shower whenever I was on her floor. No one cared although I would have to lie if I said that I didn’t enjoy seeing so many naked females. I would hope that someone enjoyed seeing me naked. That is what college is all about. [hijack]Ummm… when and where did you go to college? I’m in total agreement that college is about pushing the boundaries of our comfort zones, but… I’ve never heard of a college where your mentioned situation wouldn’t involve girls screaming and authorities being notified.[/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/50 "2008-09-29T20:13:04Z")
> [@Mahna\_Mahna](#): > > Why? It’s HIS room, not hers. I’d agree if the kid had a problem with changing in front of his own male roommate, but this is his roommate’s uninvited guest that we’re talking about… that gives Dinsdale Jr every right to feel like his privacy is being intruded upon, especially if she’s there on a nightly basis. Living together with someone is always a give and take. Sure, he should speak up if he is uncomfortable, but the reason given for his discomfort is really lame. ---
**Author:** ![Hippy\_Hollow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hippy_hollow/32/4841_2.png) [@Hippy\_Hollow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hippy_Hollow)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/51 "2008-09-29T20:22:05Z")
I was an RA in a private dorm at The University of Texas at Austin for four years, and I was a hall director and area director of res halls at Cal Poly and Emory U. **Dinsdale** , your son is not being a prude. He’s paying to rent the room and he has every right to expect that he’s going to have one, same gender roommate. As others have said, it is college, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to host the occasional guest (regardless of gender). But your son’s roommate is showing a lack of regard for your son by not discussing the set-up with him. It’s a negotiation, and he unilaterally decided that his GF could stay there. I’d recommend that your son talk to his roommate - something like, “Just so we don’t make things awkward for each other, we should sit down and figure out how we’re going to handle guests.” Hopefully then the roommate and he can agree on frequency of sleepovers and so on. If that doesn’t prove fruitful then pull in the RA. RAs are of varying quality but a good one will try to get the roommates together to discuss this. Bottom line is, this is a common dispute and it’s probably more about raging hormones than blatant disrespect for your son, though the end result is much the same. Room changes are purposefully hard to execute, and there’s always the risk that the next guy has issues that are even worse than the current one. But if the guys can facilitate a swap themselves, it isn’t usually a problem. Just to add, I find it bizarre that people think it’s prudish to have someone besides your roommate in your room at all hours, especially without clearing it with the other person. There are very few places where you can be alone and relax on a college campus… “let it all hang out,” and having someone you’re not comfortable with there - regardless of gender, is definitely something that can interfere with your relaxation, study schedule, sleep, etc… ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/52 "2008-09-29T20:22:35Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > [hijack]Ummm… when and where did you go to college? I’m in total agreement that college is about pushing the boundaries of our comfort zones, but… I’ve never heard of a college where your mentioned situation wouldn’t involve girls screaming and authorities being notified.[/hijack] I went to Tulane in New Orleans. The whole city presses the limits and people get used to it fast. I knew everyone on the girl’s floor and most of them liked me. The authorities being called in New Orleans for such a thing would not produce many results plus no one seemed to mind in the first place. I wasn’t the only one that showed in the girls bathrooms anyway. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/53 "2008-09-29T20:24:11Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Is it part of the military nowadays to show one’s dangly bits to the opposite gender? I thought even the military enforced some amount of gender segregation when it came to bunk arrangements. Sorry I meant that in the military you don’t really have an expectation of privacy and the setup is that you’re going to be living (and changing) in one room along with a bunch of strangers (albeit of the same gender) and dealing with it. Conversely, in a person’s own dorm room, they have the right to expect some privacy and not have to worry about who is in the room when they are changing. I also think that **Dinsdale** ’s kid might find it RUDE to change in front of a strange female, not that he is scared of it. What happens when the roommate breaks up with this girl and she decides she’s been sexually harassed by **Dinsdale Jr**. because he didn’t feel like going to the bathroom or “using a towel” every single time he wanted to put on clean drawers? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/54 "2008-09-29T20:30:35Z")
Just for the record I want to make it clear that the ONLY reason I didn’t get laid more while in college is because I was such a considerate roommate! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/55 "2008-09-29T20:36:52Z")
Your son needs to develop world-class flatulence. It may require some dietary experimentation, but from what I recall of college cafeteria food it shouldn’t be too difficult. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/56 "2008-09-29T20:45:20Z")
I think it’s worth pointing out to your son (and he can tell his suitemates) that calling someone a prude is simply a manipulative tactic designed to shame someone into going along with rudeness or something otherwise uncomfortable. No one on the planet wants to be known as a prude; it’s about the worst possible thing to be these days. So: call people prudes and get your way, because they’ll be afraid to stand up for themselves, whether they simply want to get dressed without an audience or whatever. This is plain and simple garden variety roommate rudeness. He should call his roomie on it. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/57 "2008-09-29T21:16:09Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I will give a contrary position…sex while each other was in the room many, many times (multiple roommates)…bouncing and orgasm vocalization…so many naked females…That is what college is all about. Wow. That’s a contrary position, all right. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Unsquare\_Dance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b3f665/32.png) [@Unsquare\_Dance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unsquare_Dance)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/58 "2008-09-29T21:35:47Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Your son is being a prude. It’s one thing if her being there annoys him, but wanting her gone because he doesn’t want her to see his unmentionables? Pretty weak. He can easily change in the bathroom, or under a towel, or have her turn around, or get over himself and change in front of her. I wonder… would anyone still feel this way if it were Dinsdale’s daughter? ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/59 "2008-09-29T21:38:33Z")
> [@Unsquare\_Dance](#): > > I wonder… would anyone still feel this way if it were Dinsdale’s daughter? I wondered that for a minute the same way I wondered if Michael Jackson would even still be _alive_ if he’d been twice accused of diddling little white _girls_. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2008, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700/60 "2008-09-29T21:45:49Z")
IMO there’s a lot of gender bias in situations like this. As noted, they could go to _her_ room. I don’t think people would argue that her roommate is a “prude” for the unwillingness to be half-dressed around someone else’s boyfriend. Granted, there is nookie in college. And there are 24 hours in a day. It can happen during normal business hours, like when the roomie is at his 3:00 English class. From one hour before bed till one hour after waking up, I don’t think she should be in the room at all. This isn’t a one-off thing; it could be the night before son-of-dinsdale’s big test, if they feel like it. As for involving an RA/RD, I’d make that a last recourse. It won’t up his cool factor with the rest of the dormies, certainly. ETA don’t they have commons with couches where they can look into each others’ eyes all night? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/college-dorm-roomies-date-sleeping-over/465700.md?page=4)