I’m not saying he’s wrong, just that this stuff happens and it’ll happen again.
I spent two years very miserable because I was pissed off about the loud, annoying people I lived with when I should have either sucked it up and found ways to deal or stood up for myself and changed things. Looking back, I’m as responsible for me being miserable as anyone else was.
A single may be your son’s best bet from one perspective, but I wouldn’t be surprised if getting one will be difficult. At my college, freshmen were not allowed to have singles. That was the policy. Single rooms were fairly highly in demand in the housing lottery each spring (which did not involve Freshmen), and only after other alternatives had been exhausted would they grant a Freshman a single.
Frankly, I’m not seeing that you son needs a single, just a roomie who doesn’t think his new girlfriend is a reason to turn a small room into a triple. Which might be achievable by swapping roommates with the other set of suitemates, or by establishing limits on the girlfriend’s visitation, or by swapping rooms with someone else who has roommate problems.
I agree that kids should learn how to handle these things themselves. But one of the ways in which we as adults make our decisions about *how *to handle things is to solicit other people’s opinions and ideas, and then decide how to act. I think it’s perfectly permissible for Dad to offer some ideas (and some of our ideas) without undermining his son’s problem solving development, especially since the kid asked him for advice. As long as Dinsdale’s not sweeping in on a white stallion, he’s not being a helicopter parent, he’s being a resource.
(And I say this as someone who once accused **Dinsdale **of overstepping his authority over a damaged car - same kid, IIRC. I’m not shy of telling parents, even ones I respect a lot, to back off and let their kids handle it.)
But certainly you’re right, sitting around whining about it does no one any good at all. He’s got to accept the situation gracefully or he’s got to take action.
Dinsdale, I’d be wary of suggesting a single because, sooner or later, he is going to have to learn how to negotiate space. Perhaps not at home, but in an office, sharing a hotel room, in a hospital room - somewhere, somehow, he’s going to end up spending time with people he doesn’t like and he’ll have to know how to negotiate getting his needs met in a less than ideal environment - starting with finding out what are his “needs” (space to study) and what are his “wants” (wants to study in his room). Might as well practice now, while there’s still a safety net (not only you, but the RA and dorm rules) and the problem isn’t really dangerous (like illegal activity or fire hazards).
Sorry if this was mentioned already, but if the girlfriend’s room is the same dorm, couldn’t the roommate and her spend half their time in that room? This seems “only fair” by any standard.
When I was in college, singles were in short supply. A nice idea - but you had to be a Junior to get close to one (and even then, the Seniors had priority and often snapped them up.
A roommate swap would have been the solution for my dorm experience - where either he finds, or an RA finds, someone with a similar problem - and the “prudes” share a room for two.
It does sound like his less shy bathroom mates might be willing to swap as WhyNot suggests. That might be the first suggestion.
Seriously.
Dinsdale’s son: It sucks that Roomie’s gf is here every night.
Suitemate: You’re such a prude!
Son: So you wouldn’t mind trading rooms then, right?
Suitemate: Uhhhhh… (looks really stupid here)
He should tell her that she can’t stay over more than one night in a row and when she does she has to be gone by the time he’s out of the shower in the morning.
The suitemates should mind their own damn business since the situation doesn’t impact them.
But, as it’s been mentioned, this isn’t about studying. This is about some girl being in his room when he showers, sleeps, changes clothes, etc. You don’t have to do those things in an office, or in a hotel room (usually you don’t have strangers in your hotel room). He has every reason to be uncomfortable with a member of the opposite sex being in his room when he wants to do private things. After all, he doesn’t live with her.
Once again, Seinfeld has answers to real-life problems.
He should tell his suitemates that they can’t bring girls in unless they bring enough to share.
Sheesh. We learn this stuff in kindergarten, folks…
Yes, but, . . . one of the first rules of dealing with an unsatisfactory situation is to find out whether your expectations are reasonable or not. I can’t tell (and don’t think it matters) whether the son or the roommate asked the suitemates for an opinion. Suitemates sided with roommate. Son is still unhappy–or maybe now more unhappy-- so he called Dad for advice.
Dad suggested the RA, and turned to the SDMB to get more feedback. This will help Dinsdale manage his expectations and be better prepared to help his son either accept a situation where he doesn’t get all of what he wants or decide to escalate the situation.
I’m guessing that based on the suitemates comments they think he has a problem with girls not extra people in a tiny room. Either way, dorm rooms are too small for randomly added people.
That said, I think he should talk with his roommate first and try to establish some rules of procedure with regards to sleepovers. Weekends is a great compromise considering he has work to finish during the week. On Fri/Sat it is also better to study in the library than in the dorm because there are significantly less distractions.
Once the RA gets involved, your son will probably be giving up a lot more than two nights a week. Upthread someone mentioned rules about opposite sex people sleeping in dorm rooms. If their dorm is coed, there may not be any rules about that. My single sex dorm did not have any rules about girls in our rooms or on our floor. We could only keep them out of the men’s bathroom but we killed that at orientation when my floor voted to make our bathroom unisex. The result was a constant stream of girlfriends and friends with benefits taking extra long showers and wandering the halls.
Studying was an example. The larger point is about handling interpersonal relationships, especially as they come up when sharing space. I mean, it’s possible Dinsdale’s son is going to college to study up on becoming a hermit, but it’s unlikely. 
This is a no-one’s-ass-will-fall-off-if-it’s-handled-wrong kind of problem, so he’s got some room to try things and fail and try something else. Uncomfortable? Sure. But better to learn how to negotiate your interpersonal relations now than, for example, when his boss is asking him share a desk with the office packrat or his neighbor is brewing up meth on the floor below him.
Moving to a single is an option, but it’s the one that takes away the opportunity to practice his people skills. It’s really just delaying the life lesson he’ll need sooner or later anyway.
Maybe he could suggest that his roommate and his girlfriend spend half the time in his room, and half the time in her room. That way he gets a bad situation half the time, but gets a better situation the other half. And make one of the alone days a weekend day.
But yeah, he has to talk to his roommate and/or RA. He’s not a prude; his roommate is an inconsiderate dick.
At my school this usually only came up with out-of-town guests (you could get through most of the small campus without going outside), but rules for overnight guests were you had to let your don know, and you needed written permission from your roommate if you had one. Personally, I wouldn’t even consider this a space issue, or a gender issue, so much as a respect issue. The roommate is basically saying it’s okay for his girlfriend to sleep in Dinsdale’s son’s room. He doesn’t have the right to say that, even if it’s also his room.
And seriously, she lives in the building. Send her back to her own room after the two of them are done…whatever. It’s not like she’s being caught unexpectedly ten blocks from home during a blizzard.
I missed the part about her living in the same building. Send her home. They can cuddle on weekends.
I was going to jokingly suggest he merely temporarily become a nudist (“it’s so freeing! clothing is so restrictive and labeling”)…but then, I am/was passive-aggressive - and dealt with my college roommate issues in a passive-aggressive fashion. It does work. It also comes at a price and probably isn’t the most grown up way to handle situations.
A roommate swap is probably his best bet. The schedule will get broken or at least bent beyond recognition one “just one extra night” at a time.
And to this:
I ended up in a single for most of the time - and really, the experience of sharing a hall was the one that was most relevant to future life experiences. Sharing a tiny room is nothing like real life. As long as he isn’t moved out into a cabin in the nearby woods, he’ll get enough interpersonal experiences.
As usual, thanks for all the feedback.
Your son is being a prude. It’s one thing if her being there annoys him, but wanting her gone because he doesn’t want her to see his unmentionables? Pretty weak. He can easily change in the bathroom, or under a towel, or have her turn around, or get over himself and change in front of her.
I disagree, but thanks for your opinion.
I think individuals should be given considerable latitude in determining the extent of privacy they feel appropriate. And the baseline lack of privacy in a dorm room is so great, that the polite and respectful default setting would be to avoid infringing upon your roommate any further than necessary.
Your approach reminds me of so many instances where the individual who engages in the behavior that most impacts others feels the others have to suck it up and deal with his actions, instead of thinking perhaps he ought to tone down his behavior.
I consider such behavior boorish and inconsiderate, but I acknowledge it seems awfully prevalent these days.