# Come laugh at me while I wallow in self-pity, or I will never get laid again. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 8, 2003, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688 "2003-02-08T07:45:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/1 "2003-02-08T07:45:28Z")
I was married for 4 years. During my 5 years with my wife, I forgot how to even flirt. I’ve been re-learning how to be single since last April. I broke a 9 month celibate streak this winter, but it’s been 6 weeks since I’ve had any action! Since October, I’ve been stood up or shot down by 9 women. There is _one_ woman who has given me a second date since the ex & I separated, and we’re brother/sister friends now. No chance for romantic intimacy there. The other night I decided that I’m off women for the time being, just not going to go there. It hurts too damn much to get turned down for dates and it hurts even more to get stood up. It feels like someone telling me that I’m not good enough and when it happens enough, I start to believe it. I figure I’ll save myself the hurt by not trying to date. I’ve always figured that I’m good-looking, can hold a job, own a house (OK, I own a mortgage), can present my ideas clearly; I even have a good vocabulary. I figure that I’ll eventually have a relationship again, just not right now. Then I see [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=161276&perpage=50&pagenumber=1), the scariest thread I’ve ever seen! Shit, there are people who have been celibate for decades! I’m almost 40. I’m not the handsome young loser I was in the 80s, with interested young girls everywhere I looked. Available _interested_ women are getting scarce. Am I setting myself up to live the remaining 30, 35 years of my life completely celibate? Is there anything I can even do about it? Fuck it. I might as well just start finding other things to do with my life and forget that I’ll _ever_ have a relationship again. I guess It breaks my heart and pisses me off. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/2 "2003-02-08T08:34:30Z")
Ah now. Do not lament. If old geezers can get it on in the nursing home, surely you can find some women in your age range who will find you marginally attractive! I think finding other things to do with your life is a good plan, though. The next Love of your Life may discover you when you are busy finding other things to do with your life. Guys who are busy finding other things to do with their lives are usually pretty interesting people. ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/3 "2003-02-08T08:47:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by yosemitebabe \* > The next Love of your Life may discover you when you are busy finding other things to do with your life. Guys who are busy finding other things to do with their lives are usually pretty interesting people. Oh sure, it _sounds_ like a good idea… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/4 "2003-02-08T09:11:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jack@ss \* > I’ve been stood up or shot down by 9 women. Can I wallow in my self pity also? Good,thanks… I get a call from this _seemingly_ sweet pretty girl earlier this evening. Myself and her girlfriend been hanging out for maybe a month now. I liked this girl since I met her , she calls (from a mutual friend’s house I’ll call “Joe”) maybe an hour ago to ask for a ride,I say sure. ( I _really_ thought her and “Joe” were just friends, thats what HE said) I get there she says “I need to go to my brothers house to change,then we’ll drop off [her girlfriend] then me & you can hang out at your house” Im thinking to myself : "Thank you Allah/Buddah… were getting together _maybe_ " and I get butterflies in the tummy- the whole nine yards. We get to the destination where she’s supposed to change,she asks to use my cell phone so she can call her “brother” to let her in the BLDG. She goes in and we wait for maybe three min. Then her girlfriend informs me : “that’s not her brother’s place, she’s not coming back out you know” she goes on to say : “she boffed “Joe” lastnite and she’s in there to boff “Jim” tonite” I didn’t her believe her so I hit redial on my cell phone to call her “brother” to talk to her. She gets on the phone and I ask “are you coming back out?” She LAUGHS and says “no” I say “well dont call me again” she says : “I’m Hurt” click… The whole thing was a ruse just to get a ride from me… She _acted_ so sweet up to this point… I hardly knew her but that fucking HURT!..\ Oh bTW I told her girlfriend that I couldn’t be friends with either of them, her friend was hurt but I dont trust either of them anymore… I’m sorry for the hi-jack ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/5 "2003-02-08T09:14:48Z")
Oh there’s more to the story thats relevent but I’ve hi-jacked enough… ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/6 "2003-02-08T17:25:18Z")
☹ tony montana, she sounds horrible. jack@ss, i’m sure you’re just trying too hard. lots of women in your situation, also looking for guys, someone is bound to turn up, keep an open mind, and explore all the options that come your way. don’t give up. also, if you want to get laid, rather than find a relationship, why are you bothering to date? no offense, but if it’s sex you’re after, maybe a nightclub, a pretty stranger and some alcohol would facilitate things better than asking an acquaintance out for dinner? if casual sex isn’t your thing, then by all means play the dating game, your numbers will come up someday! ---
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/7 "2003-02-08T18:10:58Z")
> [@](#): > > but if it’s sex you’re after, maybe a nightclub, a pretty stranger and some alcohol would facilitate things better than asking an acquaintance out for dinner? **(Irishgirl)** I’ve done the clubs and got no action there. I’m a recovering addict, so I’m not gonna be drinking myself. I thought that all I needed was a good shag, but it just made me obsessed with the woman. Like, it was all I could do to limit my phone calls to every 3 days. Funny thing here: she came after me, asked me for my phone #. On our date she told me that her ex-boyfriend ignored her, couldn’t hold a job, cheated on her and couldn’t fuck worth a damn. I didn’t hear from her for 3 weeks afterwards, when she called me to tell me she had gone back to her ex. She’s an idiot. I’ll keep an open mind, I’m just not going to do any pursuing for a while. **Tony** , remember the movie? _First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the woman._ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/8 "2003-02-08T18:19:08Z")
**jack@ss** , celibacy is a choice. Sometimes a good choice, but a choice nonetheless. And the choice is just what you said in your OP: is it worth hearing some number of women say they don’t want to date/have sex with you, to find one who does? For a few people, the number of likely rejections between sucesses is incredibly large, in which case celibacy is probably the right road. But for most people, after a few rejections, they assume it represents some sort of mass consensus by women as a whole, at which point they give up. In other words, they assume the number is infinity, when it may actually be 12, or 20. See, if you could know the number, it would be no big deal. You’d just ask out every woman you saw, and be dating someone within the week. Because, in those terms, getting rejected wouldn’t be that bad, just an annoying little chore, required for getting what you wanted. That’s how you have to look at it. Stop thinking of it as commentary on you as a person. Stop looking for higher meaning – everyone has a number. The more you ask women out, the lower your number will get. “Get confident, stupid!”, Troy McClure ---
**Author:** ![Payne\_N.Diaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b77776/32.png) [@Payne\_N.Diaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Payne_N.Diaz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/9 "2003-02-08T20:20:51Z")
**jack@ss,** I am in complete sympathy with your situation. I am in the process of getting a divorce, and the women I am interested in won’t even talk to me. I am not looking to boink anybody, but a little friendship would be nice. Not gonna happen though. And even if it does, I’m gonna be too poor to even pay attention when the divorce is final. Celibacy, here we come. ---
**Author:** ![Payne\_N.Diaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b77776/32.png) [@Payne\_N.Diaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Payne_N.Diaz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/10 "2003-02-08T20:28:30Z")
jack@ss, I hear you, man. I’m in the process of getting a divorce, and the women I’m interested in won’t even talk to me. And this includes one with whom I thought there was a real connection. I’m not trying to boink anybody, just be friends, but by the time the divorce is over, and I have healed enough to please everybody, and re-stabilized financially, I might as well give up on her. Damn, I like her, but that idea is shot to hell. Celibacy, here I come. ---
**Author:** ![Payne\_N.Diaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b77776/32.png) [@Payne\_N.Diaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Payne_N.Diaz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/11 "2003-02-08T20:29:53Z")
Sorry about the double post–this library computer is so slow I didn’t think the first one went through. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/12 "2003-02-08T21:07:15Z")
Mr. S had just voluntarily removed himself from the dating pool at age 32, having had no serious relationships, when I showed up. We’ll have our 13th wedding anniversary this summer. Go ahead and take that break. Let the stink of rejection fade. Get in touch with your inner gonzo self, or whatever. Let Mrs. Right find YOU. ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/13 "2003-02-08T22:05:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jack@ss \* > \*\ ***Tony** , remember the movie? _First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the woman._ 😃 \*\* \ I’ll settle for the money & power,thank you…\ ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/14 "2003-02-09T00:48:38Z")
Date when you’re in a dating place, and don’t date if you aren’t. A couple of years ago (I was about 33), I reached a place in my life where I felt it was time to find a good guy and settle down. I got on internet dating, emailed with a bunch of guys online, went on a bunch of meet-and-greets with compatible ones (condensed dating, in my opinion), and met my now-husband. I would recommend internet dating to anyone. I had very few dates in my life before I went online, and it was great to finally learn _how_ to go on casual dates and just get to know people. They should teach courses on dating and relationships in school, you know? ---
**Author:** ![Lodrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@Lodrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lodrain)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/15 "2003-02-09T02:26:46Z")
I disagree, **featherlou** ; I’ve seen my mother date guys she met on the Internet time and time again. They were all fairly decent online, but complete shitheads in reality. I would never go on a date with someone I met only through the Internet; everyone acts like a completely different person there and it’s hard to judge a person through a phoneline. Your mileage has varied, though, proving that my own life experiences don’t always map onto everyone else’s. ---
**Author:** ![Cubsfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Cubsfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cubsfan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/16 "2003-02-09T02:56:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tony Montana \* > \*\*Can I wallow in my self pity also? > > Good,thanks… > > I get a call from this _seemingly_ sweet pretty girl earlier this evening. Myself and her girlfriend been hanging out for maybe a month now. > > … > > The whole thing was a ruse just to get a ride from me… > > She _acted_ so sweet up to this point… > > I hardly knew her but that fucking HURT!..\ > > Oh bTW I told her girlfriend that I couldn’t be friends with either of them, her friend was hurt but I dont trust either of them anymore… > > I’m sorry for the hi-jack \*\* WTF? I woulda beat that fucking door down and slapped the shit out of that whore and her fucking boyfriend. Fuck that. I am not gonna be disrespected so badly by any woman. And her friend sounds like a real cunt too. And I have tried internet dating as well. It is a mixed bag really. Its a better deal for girls than guys mainly because there are 10 times as many guys as girls on there. I met about 6 chicks and a few were fucking nightmares. Those ones where you start pounding beers as soon as you see them because they don’t have teeth and weigh 400lbs. But I did meet a few nice girls who were not really dating material though. One of the girls I met too soon after my divorce and I messed it up, but she was really cool. I went about 8 months after my divorce last year without so much as talking to a girl. I lost my post divorce virginity in November and haven’t really dated since. I am 26 and decided to focus on this last year of school, I have invisalign braces, workout, and am getting a nose job. All stuff I wanted to do and now have time to do. I will get some vagina after school in June. ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/17 "2003-02-09T03:33:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Stinkpalm \* > \*\*WTF? I woulda beat that fucking door down and slapped the shit out of that whore and her fucking boyfriend. Fuck that. I am not gonna be disrespected so badly by any woman. And her friend sounds like a real cunt too. Yes, I felt like a chump but neither of them are worth _any_ more of my energy/time. Her friend called me today _really_ upset that I would push her away as well, she cursed,called me names and generally made some _really_ nasty statements like : “we just used you anyway, Ha Ha you thought we were friends for life” She then backpeddled suddenly and said: “we’ll I like you” Weird… Feh ,no worries as long as they stay away… ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/18 "2003-02-09T07:05:45Z")
Well **jack@ss** ironicaly that don’t give a fuck atittude is exactly what will probably get you laid or whatever else your looking for. Just make sure you maintain the “don’t give a fuck” mindset when some one does show intrest. By that I mean don’t get all happy and excited, just remain apathetic. At least this is what works for me, buts its not like I’m doing this pupously it’s just the way I am (or have become). Anyway all I’m saying is that when I got devorced to my wife of four years the first thing I wanted to do was go out and get laid. (I needed validation). To my dismay I couldn’t get laid if I were in a room full of whores with a bucket full of money. Then finaly I got fed up and said “fuck it who needs’um anyway” Then viola once I got that mindset they started comming out of the woodwork. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![RexDart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@RexDart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RexDart)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/19 "2003-02-09T07:44:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jack@ss \* > \*\*. Am I setting myself up to live the remaining 30, 35 years of my life completely celibate? Is there anything I can even do about it? > > Fuck it. I might as well just start finding other things to do with my life and forget that I’ll _ever_ have a relationship again. I guess It breaks my heart and pisses me off. \*\* Yes. The sort of relationship you could get at that age isn’t worth having anyways, divorcees and other embittered women. I have absolutely no experience whatsoever to justify this assertion, but I have a healthy distrust of all relationships and an appropriate pessimism. You are utterly doomed. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? Of course, swearing off women might be a good idea anyways. Always more trouble then they’re worth from my limited experience, there are finer things in life. I look forward to the time in my life in which my libido is diminshed and I no longer face the mental pressures of “MUST MATE, NOW!!!” Then I can make a rational decision, and not one determined by the illogical desire to hook up with a member of the opposite sex even when such meeting is difficult, problematic, and otherwise undesirable as to my other life goals. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688/20 "2003-02-09T11:31:44Z")
jack @ss, sorry about the alcohol comment. didn’t mean to cause offense. listen to the other dopers, they say good stuff. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-laugh-at-me-while-i-wallow-in-self-pity-or-i-will-never-get-laid-again/153688.md?page=2)