# Come see my new Gay, isn’t he the cutest! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 6, 2004, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474 "2004-04-06T01:34:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![modro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@modro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/modro)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/1 "2004-04-06T01:34:02Z")
We’re like puppies, apparently. In todays lunch topic at work, in a friend of mine was extolling the virtues of Gays, and how she wants one as a friend (in an amusing twist, I’m not out to her) since we are “Really funny and one would be fun to go shopping with.” Of course after hearing this, I replied: “Damn Crystal, you make it sound like you want one as a pet. Mom! Dad! Check out my new Gay! Isn’t he the cutest thing ever! His name’s Bruce, he’s gonna help decorate, and he is all mine.” So therein lies the inspiration for this thread, in which I will pimp my newest venture, Absolutely Fabulous Adoptions for Gays (A-FAG), and Adopt-A-Gay Month. Shamelessly parodying this site: [http://www.charitywire.com/charity9/03286.html](http://www.charitywire.com/charity9/03286.html) October is Adopt-A-Gay Month, a nationwide effort that encourages Gay lovers to celebrate by visiting a local homosexual shelter to provide a homeless gay or lesbian with a caring, loving home. This year, A-FAG, American Eagle Outfitters, Apple Computer and The Showtime Cable Network are joining forces in the Perfect Gay Network™, a nationwide gay adoption program. The Perfect Gay Network aims to find homes for 125,000 Gays and Lesbians in 2004. Since up to 60 percent of gays that enter shelters die each year because they are not adopted, A-FAG recommends people interested in adopting a gay begin their search at their local American Eagle Store. American Eagle Stores across the country will be displaying new photos of gays available for adoption on the Perfect Gay Network board in the mens section. Shelters offer the greatest variety of choices – gays, lesbians, drag queens, transsexuals, bisexuals and leather gays. In celebration of Adopt-A-Gay Month, Aeropostale will donate free gay clothing vouchers to adopting families in October at participating Perfect Gay Network shelters. With so many wonderful gays needing a home, it can be difficult to choose. To make the decision-making process an easier one, A-FAG consulted with several homosexual behaviorists to compile the following temperament-testing tips to consider when visiting a shelter: 1. Ask how long a gay has been at the shelter. Gays need at least two to three days to adjust to new environments. However, if a gay has been at the shelter for a week and still hasn’t decorated, then the gay may require more time to train. 2. Use the “hand and talk” test used by homosexual behaviorists to find friendly gays. First, extend your hand to see if the gay will comment on your need for moisturizer. Then talk to the gay. Social gays will respond by either swishing around, or making snarky comments about the dress of their caregivers at the shelter. You want a gay that seeks out people, but doesn’t participate in self-destructive behavior. 3. When you find a gay that you would like to know better, ask the staff where you can visit quietly with the gay. If the gay is interested in people, it will aggressively solicit attention. 4. Determine the gay’s touch tolerance. Hold a cheap garment up to the gay. Does the gay want you to continue or does it curl up into a ball and start crying? 5. Test the gay’s arousal. Hold up pictures of cute guys. See how excited the gay gets and how long it takes for him to calm down. 6. Test the gay for separation anxiety. Leave the gay without access to his Avril Lavigne CD’s. When you return, check the gay’s reaction. Does he seem stressed or out of breath? Often these signs indicate the gay may suffer from separation anxiety, which may require some additional training. 7. Go to the mall with the gay. Watch how the gay reacts to noise, traffic, and The Gap, and whether the gay chases after you when you make a poor clothing choice. 8. Try to figure out what motivates the gay. A gay motivated by cute guys and designer clothes is easier to train, while a gay motivated by clubbing and substances like crystal meth will be more of a problem. 9. Determine if the gay is child-friendly. Some homosexual behaviorists will say no gay is child-friendly, and that having a gay in your household increases the chances of the children catching “the gay”, but we at A-FAG believe that with proper training any gay can be child-safe. To make the adoption process less stressful, the following tips will help you prepare for your new gay or lesbian. Pick a Gay Whose Needs Match Yours! It is important to choose a gay based on your lifestyle. Your local shelter’s adoption counselors can help you make the right decision. Make Sure Your Home is Ready for Your New Gay. Do a sweep of the house, looking for possible hazards. Hide sheets of less than 1000 thread count, ensure proper room coordination, place cheap plastic cups out of reach and ask your adoption counselor at the shelter about crate training to housetrain gays and keep them out of trouble. Tag Your Gay! Put a tag on your gay’s collar with your name, address and phone number, or better yet, ask your shelter about having your gay microchipped in case the collar is lost. Also, be sure to keep the information current. Celebrate Adopt-A-Gay Month and see if a new gay or lesbian is right for your family. It’s the perfect time to save a gay’s life and make a new friend! Founded in 1877, A-FAG is the nation’s only national organization dedicated to both gay, bisexual, lesbian, and transgendered protection. From its headquarters outside San Francisco, California, and from regional offices in Pittsburgh, and Los Angeles, A-FAG provides national leadership in the development of programs, policies and services on behalf of gays and lesbians who are abused and neglected. For more information, please visit [www.a-fag.org](http://www.a-fag.org) ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/2 "2004-04-06T02:01:57Z")
[Bob Barker Voice]Always have your gays spayed or neutered![BBV] ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/3 "2004-04-06T02:08:29Z")
Modro, you bastard. Do you know how many stray homosexuals there are in this country? Yes it’s real swell to send a nice cute gay home with a 21-year-old girl looking for a shopping buddy. But she’s gonna get real tired of taking care of the gay, and pretty soon she’s going to start ignoring it, and the poor thing is just going to sit in the corner and mope. **Maybe** the parents will take care of the gay … but more likely they’ll drive to the corner of Clark and Belmont in Chicago and “set him free.” Gays that have been domesticated can’t survive in the wild, and the poor thing will be lucky to survive, scraping along as a server in an intimate bistro or as the set designer for a small theater company. Adopting a gay is a **huge** responsibility, and your group treats it like some little lark. You disgust me. ---
**Author:** ![Priam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/77aa72/32.png) [@Priam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Priam)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/4 "2004-04-06T02:21:09Z")
I can’t decide whether to be horrified or dying with laughter here. Job well done, **modro**. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/5 "2004-04-06T02:22:30Z")
**furt** has a good point. The park near my house is just overwhelmed with feral gays at night, poor dears. ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/6 "2004-04-06T02:47:19Z")
The roommate of a friend of mine had an idea oddly similar to your friend’s. I am left in awe of your parodical skills. ---
**Author:** ![Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bambi_Hassenpfeffer)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/7 "2004-04-06T03:43:22Z")
I think that in October, I’ll put a sign in my front yard that says, “Queer. Free to a good home!” and sit next to it. I need someone to adopt me, and I promise not to mess on the carpet. ---
**Author:** ![modro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@modro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/modro)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/8 "2004-04-06T09:53:58Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > **furt** has a good point. The park near my house is just overwhelmed with feral gays at night, poor dears. You know **Miller** , you may consider setting traps and taking them to shelters. There are plenty of no-kill gay shelters out there (more in areas outside of the bible belt, oddly enough) and while it may seem cruel to trap them against their will, they would be far better off down the road. The gay would be provided with the food, clothing, and hair care products that he or she needs to survive, along with a warm place to sleep and the hope that some family will come by, and decide that he is perfect for them. I remember a time when some neighbors of mine decided that they didn’t want their drag queen anymore (admittedly they are a more high maintenance breed) and just set the poor dear loose on Liberty Avenue, somehow believing that a domesticated drag queen would thrive in her natural environment. It was a sad thing to see, this poor stray drag queen, trying to make due, doing performances on the sidewalk just so she could scrape together enough money to get to the MAC makeup counter to get what she needed to survive. I felt so bad for her, so one night I set a trap for her (using a tube of lipstick as bait, of course) and sent her off to the local no-kill shelter. I’ll be damned if she didn’t get adopted by a new, loving family within days. Sure, there are always those gays that don’t have the same outcome, but if you just stand idly by and do nothing, the feral gays in your area have a far worse fate than death awaiting them. Cutting a gay off from his personal hygiene products would be like cutting one of us off from the very air we breath, and at least at a shelter, the essentials they need to survive are provided for them until they are adopted. So visit your local shelter, and help out a homeless gay today. ---
**Author:** ![modro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@modro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/modro)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/9 "2004-04-06T10:03:49Z")
> [@furt](#): > > Modro, you bastard. Do you know how many stray homosexuals there are in this country? > > Yes it’s real swell to send a nice cute gay home with a 21-year-old girl looking for a shopping buddy. But she’s gonna get real tired of taking care of the gay, and pretty soon she’s going to start ignoring it, and the poor thing is just going to sit in the corner and mope. **Maybe** the parents will take care of the gay … but more likely they’ll drive to the corner of Clark and Belmont in Chicago and “set him free.” > > Gays that have been domesticated can’t survive in the wild, and the poor thing will be lucky to survive, scraping along as a server in an intimate bistro or as the set designer for a small theater company. Adopting a gay is a **huge** responsibility, and your group treats it like some little lark. > > You disgust me. I personally like to believe that people like this are in the minority, but occasionally things like that do occur. The shelters that I have worked with try to ensure that the adopting families are aware of things like that, but occasionally it does happen that a gay then becomes a burden. While we can’t easily screen out people who would adopt a gay as a mere christmas present, or just because they thought on a whim that the cute little bear moping in the shelter would be fun to have, ignoring the responsibilities, we do try. And in the end, I believe that the benefits of gays being put into homes, even considering the failed adoptions, is a worthy cause, as it gives homes to hundreds of thousands of gays each year, many of whom would have been put down. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/10 "2004-04-06T14:00:51Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > **furt** has a good point. The park near my house is just overwhelmed with feral gays at night, poor dears. Can’t…breathe…curse…you… **Miller**! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![jeevmon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@jeevmon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeevmon)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/11 "2004-04-06T14:36:43Z")
Very cute. Kind of reminds me of [“Rent-A-Negro”](http://www.rent-a-negro.com/). ---
**Author:** ![Kitchen\_Wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f08c70/32.png) [@Kitchen\_Wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kitchen_Wench)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/12 "2004-04-06T14:43:36Z")
That. Was. Brilliant! ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/13 "2004-04-06T14:53:32Z")
I’ve gotta ask if the **Kids In The Hall** skit [_Meet Your New Male Slave_](http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/five/budslave.html) was any inspiration? _Bad 1950’s homosexual stereotype!_ ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/14 "2004-04-06T17:18:37Z")
Very funny, and this OP reminded me of another from way back about the magestic heards of wild homosexuals, but I can’t find it using search. If anyone else kept a link, or is better at using search, maybe you could post a link to that old thread. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/15 "2004-04-06T19:03:44Z")
What if you got one you want to get rid of? He’s a real bitch! 😛 Got a bit of a tit fetish and won’t quit humping guys legs at the mall. Do you know how much it costs to keep my gay? Can’t buy straight off the rack…ooooh nooooo, not for him! And I can’t leave him alone at the house for any amount of time. I come home and there’s clothes everywhere and he’s wearing my favorite dress! Can I trade? ---
**Author:** ![DaisyFace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/848f3c/32.png) [@DaisyFace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaisyFace)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/16 "2004-04-06T19:35:08Z")
I had a gay back in college, but I wasn’t supposed to keep him in my dorm room. When Res Life found out, they had a fit, so I had to take him back to shelter. It really sucks because I know for a fact that there were lots of gays on ampus, I guess everyone else was just better at hiding theirs. I still miss my little gay, and wonder how he’s doing, but I must say my eyeliner lasts twice as long now that I’m the only one using it. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/17 "2004-04-06T20:13:41Z")
Dear Modro: I am writing to you to express my interest in your Adopt-a-gay program. After reviewing your description of the program, I believe I am qualified to become some poor lonely Fag’s Hag. I already have experience in dealing with gays, as I have friends who are already full-fledged Fag Hags and I definitely see the daily requirements of this time-consuming but rewarding job. Although it ultimately is up to you, I’d like to have a male fag because if I did get a female, well, lets just say that might complicate matters. I already have the cutest closet picked out! Of course if it’s an out-of-the-closet variety, I have accomodations for that. I also am already stocked with good sheets, moisturizers and high-quality lubricant. Looking forward to my interview, Ghani ---
**Author:** ![cards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecd19e/32.png) [@cards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cards)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/18 "2004-04-06T20:21:23Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#): > > Very funny, and this OP reminded me of another from way back about the magestic heards of wild homosexuals, but I can’t find it using search. If anyone else kept a link, or is better at using search, maybe you could post a link to that old thread. Here you go: > **[Let's see how many wrong and insulting assumptions we can fit into just four...](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=133327)** > > As many of you may know, I have a website about the Montreal metro. I was just in the Village taking a picture of Beaudry for a project I’m working on for my website. As I’m lining the shot up, this queen gets in my face and goes, “It’s not a zoo!” ... ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/19 "2004-04-06T20:36:21Z")
Thanks **cards** that thread still brings me to tears of laughter. Not to say this one isn’t half bad itself. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474/20 "2004-04-06T20:45:36Z")
> [@Ghanima](#): > > [snip]…I also am already stocked with good sheets, moisturizers and high-quality lubricant.[/snip] :eek: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/come-see-my-new-gay-isn-t-he-the-cutest/238474.md?page=2)