# Comedic heroes, with quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804 "2000-06-19T00:18:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Zarathustra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/898d66/32.png) [@Zarathustra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zarathustra)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/1 "2000-06-19T00:18:23Z")
Who are your comedic heroes, and what have you learned from them? Include at least one quote. Lenny Bruce: “Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’” Sam Kinison: “I’m like anyone else on this planet – I’m very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, with those little kids, starving, and very depressed. I watch those kids and I go, ‘Fuck, I know the FILM crew could give this kid a sandwich!’ There’s a director five feet away going, ‘DON’T FEED HIM YET! GET THAT SANDWICH OUTTA HERE! IT DOESN’T WORK UNLESS HE LOOKS HUNGRY!!!’” George Carlin: “How do blind people know when they are done wiping?” Among other things, they taught me that people who offend widely with their opinions are usually on to something, and that if you don’t get the joke, the joke’s probably on you. What comedians do you admire, and why? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/2 "2000-06-19T01:20:40Z")
Superchicken-“You knew the job was tough when you took it, Fred!” ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/3 "2000-06-19T08:29:27Z")
The late, great Bill Hicks. ‘During the riots, when those people were being dragged out of their cars, how many of ya thought like I did? ‘Step on the fucking gas!!!’ Their on foot, you’re in a truck… I think I see a way out of this.’ ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/4 "2000-06-19T19:51:12Z")
Bill Engvall: I had a tire go flat on my car, so I pulled into a service station. The attendant said, “Tire go flat?”. Without missing a beat I answered, “Nope. The other three just swelled right up on me.” He said, “Well, the heat will do that.” ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/5 "2000-06-19T20:17:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Superchicken-“You knew the job was tough when you took it, Fred!” > \*\* {Cough, ahem, whispering} “You knew the job was _dangerous_ when you took it, Fred!” {cough} – Uke, Who Knows How To Be Discreet When Correcting a Moderator, Not Like It Was Back When Slythe Was Just Another Member, Is It, And You Could Just Come Right Out and Go “_Har,_ Har,” Like Nelson On _The Simpsons_ (It doesn’t bother me when I am corrected. On the other hand, BOTH variations were used throughout the series. 🙂 -slythe the Ever Merciful) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/6 "2000-06-19T20:29:00Z")
Fran Lebowitz: “Sleep is death without the responsibility.” Anita Loos: “Fun is fun, but no girl wants to laugh forever!” Dorothy Parker: ummm . . . Nearly everything she said, actually. ---
**Author:** ![ReservoirDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8edcca/32.png) [@ReservoirDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReservoirDog)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/7 "2000-06-19T21:53:58Z")
Chris Rock “I ain’t never been to jail.” “What do ya want, a cookie? You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-havin’ motherf\*\*\*er!” ---
**Author:** ![Barney111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@Barney111](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barney111)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/8 "2000-06-20T02:12:41Z")
Lily Tomlin: “I always said I wanted to be somebody. I see now I should have been more specific.” ---
**Author:** ![jayron\_32](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/41988e/32.png) [@jayron\_32](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayron_32)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/9 "2000-06-20T16:31:19Z")
Dennis Miller: “You know, a lot of people would call me sacrelegious. I don’t know, but I happen to think that my God finds me incredibly fucking funny. That’s why I chose him as my God.” Billy Connoly (everything is funnier in a scottish accent): "Why do they make you wear seatbelts on planes? When was the last time you heard on the news: “Last night a plane crashed into the side of a fucking mountain in Peru. Luckily, everyone was wearing their seatbelts.” George Carlin, from his book Brain Droppings: “I AM NOT WHOLESOME” ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/10 "2000-06-20T16:49:45Z")
Stephen Leacock. “I propose tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to deal with murder. There are only two subjects that appeal nowadays to the general public, murder and sex; and, for people of culture, sex-murder.” – from “Murder at $2.50 a Crime,” 1937 ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/11 "2000-06-20T17:30:14Z")
Chris Rock: It’s not “the media” that’s giving black folks a bad name. When I go to the ATM I ain’t looking over my shoulder for “the media”, I’m looking for the niggas! (of course this is preceeded by the difference between black folks and niggas) Richard Pryor: Sure there’s justice. It’s “just us”. George Carlin: How come I can say I pricked my finger on T.V., but I can’t say it the other way around? ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2000, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/12 "2000-06-21T18:27:17Z")
George Carlin - “Don’t you find it mildly ironic that most of the people protesting abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?” Chris Rock - “We don’t need more discipline in schools, we just need the tossed salad man. ‘Jimmy, you gotta D, you know what you have to do…’” Krusty the Clown - “I’m going on the bender to end all benders” ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2000, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/13 "2000-06-21T19:12:58Z")
Cool McCool: “That will NEVER happen again, Number One!” ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/14 "2000-06-23T04:25:39Z")
Chris Rock: “Whatever happened to crazy!!??” ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/15 "2000-06-23T14:55:52Z")
Everything that Steven Wright has ever uttered on stage, with my favorite line being: “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?” ---
**Author:** ![spark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@spark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spark)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/16 "2000-06-23T15:54:39Z")
Dorothy Parker: “Tell them I’m too f\*\*\*ing busy, and vice versa.” Groucho Marx: “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.” George Carlin: “We can’t build a Tv or VCR worth a f\*\*\*, but we can sure bomb brown people. That’s what we’re good at!” Lenny Bruce: The entire “How to relax colored friends at parties” routine Dennis Miller: “If you even **think** about f\*\*\*ing or hurting a child, it’s time to kill yourself. Just lean into the batter’s box, and take one for the team.” Tom Lehrer: “The reason most folk songs are so awful is that they were written by the people.” Frank Zappa: “Two things are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.” ---
**Author:** ![Grendel69](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7bcc69/32.png) [@Grendel69](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grendel69)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/17 "2000-06-23T16:48:05Z")
Chris Rock… “Marion Barry!” ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/18 "2000-06-23T17:38:30Z")
Dennis Miller “[The USA’s] educational syatem couldn’t be more poorly funded or badly directed if the Secretary of Education was Ed Wood.” ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/19 "2000-06-23T19:49:39Z")
Sounds like I have to get some Chris Rock CDs! My favorite: George Carlin, “CU_T: If this offends you, remember where you were when you first saw the light of day. At birth, you had a cu_t stretched across your head. Just like a little hat.” Also, “The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.” - Paula Poundstone ---
**Author:** ![spark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@spark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spark)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804/20 "2000-06-23T19:56:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > My favorite: George Carlin, “CU_T: If this offends you, remember where you were when you first saw the light of day. > At birth, you had a cu_t stretched across your head. Just like a little hat.” > \*\* Reminds me of a quote by Michael O’Donoghue (AKA Mr. Mike, writer for _National Lampoon_ and early _Saturday Night Live_: “I’d call you a c\*\*t, but you lack both the depth and the charm.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comedic-heroes-with-quotes/22804.md?page=2)