# Comic Sans went into a bar... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 23, 2009, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157 "2009-04-23T21:41:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Damfino](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Damfino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damfino)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/81 "2009-04-28T11:31:00Z")
A man staggers up to a bar and gasps, " I want something cold, tall, and full of gin!" The drunk at the bar turns to him and says, “I’ll thank you, sir, not to talk about my wife!” ---
**Author:** ![Stanislaus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stanislaus/32/3391_2.png) [@Stanislaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stanislaus)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/82 "2009-04-28T14:20:28Z")
> [@amrussell](#): > > A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a pint of…” > [@Snickers](#): > > …beer." > > The bartender replies, “Why the big pause?” Yes, I _know_. I was going to wait \*weeks \*to follow that up. Months. Hell, I might have gone a year. I might have instructed my son in my will to unearth the SDMB and post the follow up. You give it one post? You gotta _commit_. A brain walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry sir, you’re clearly out of your skull.” A nose walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry sir, you’re clearly off your face.” A partially dismasted galleon walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry sir, you’re clearly three sheets to the wind.” A partially severed artery and a bent nail walk into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry, but you’re totally hammered and she’s half-cut.” ---
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/83 "2009-04-28T15:04:20Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > Two pieces of tarmac go into a bar. > > They’re having a nice pint when a piece of red cement walks in the door. > > One of the pieces of tarmac sees the cement, immediately grabs the other one, drags him to the floor, and pushes him under the table. > > “What the hell are you doing?” asks the second piece of tarmac. > > “Shh!” replies the first. “I know we’re hard, but that guy’s a fucking cycle path!” A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and orders two beers. “Two beers?” asks the bartender. “Yeah, one for me and one for the road”. Nope, I’ve heard most of these. Some of them twice! ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/84 "2009-04-28T15:44:53Z")
Spanish okay? Don’t worry, I’ll translate and explain. A depraved old man with a noticeable limp walks into a bar. A beautiful young girl is stitting at the bar. The old man grabs her and starts feeling her up and kissing her. The girl recoils in horror, trying to push him back. She shouts at him, _“¡Cojo horrible!”_ (Horrible cripple!) So the old man says to her, _“No te preocupes, mi amor. ¡Te enseñaré como!”_ (Don’t worry, my love. I’ll teach you how!) (_Cojo horrible_ also means “I fuck terribly”). ---
**Author:** ![Claire\_Beauchamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ec9cab/32.png) [@Claire\_Beauchamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claire_Beauchamp)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/85 "2009-04-28T16:02:51Z")
> [@chowder](#): > > Duck walks into a bar and asks for a pint. > … dangit, beat me to it. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2009, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/86 "2009-04-30T08:58:29Z")
William Shakespeare walks into a bar. Barman says “Get out, you’re bard” ---
**Author:** ![A\_Spoonful\_of\_Awesome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@A\_Spoonful\_of\_Awesome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A_Spoonful_of_Awesome)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2009, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/87 "2009-04-30T10:19:12Z")
> [@kapntoad](#): > > A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. The bartender asks “What’s his name?” The man replies “Tiny.” Bartender asks “Why Tiny?” > > The man answers, “Because he’s my newt.” 😃 Two peanuts walked into a seedy bar in a bad neighborhood. One was a-salted. A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe starts taking shot after shot until he falls off his stool and passes out on the floor. The guy gets up to leave when the Bartender says, “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!”. The man looks at him oddly and goes: “Lion? It’s a fucking giraffe”. Ba-dum-bump. Not bar jokes as such, but they make me chuckle all the same. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks up and asks “Hey, you have any idea how to drive this thing?” A fish is swimming down a river. He hits a wall and goes “Dam!” I’ll be here all week, folks. Tip your waitress. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2009, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/88 "2009-04-30T20:29:01Z")
> [@chique](#): > > So since I can’t actually tell any new ones I’m going to curse out **MeanOldLady** because… > > Herschel? HERSCHEL? Freakin’ heretic. The grasshopper’s name is **STEVE**. > > Christ. Way to ruin a joke. Ha! I know a guy who insists the grasshopper is named Irving, and another who swears by Bob. It’s Herschel, people, Herschel… [QUOTE=With Rye] A bottle of beer walks into a bar and gets drunk. [/QUOTE] I gotta lay off the idiot pills. It took me a second to get this. ---
**Author:** ![MrFinch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6f9a4e/32.png) [@MrFinch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrFinch)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2009, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/89 "2009-05-02T23:38:44Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Ha! I know a guy who insists the grasshopper is named Irving, and another who swears by Bob. It’s Herschel, people, Herschel… > > I gotta lay off the idiot pills. It took me a second to get this. Jeez, where I come from the grasshoppers name has always been Kevin…maybe its just an Australian thing… 😃 I’m in the middle of a contest at work with our senior psychologist to tell the most mysoginistic, racist or offensive joke-so I can’t tell you _any_ of those. So let me chime in with… An Englishman, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops dead with a disgusted look on his face and says ‘Oy Vey! I’m in the wrong joke again!’ ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2009, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/90 "2009-05-03T06:16:35Z")
> [@pedescribe](#): > > … > the frog launches into a powerful blues piece. His voice is brilliant, rich and deep, and before long half the patrons are blubbering into their drinks. > … Cue "_One Froggy Night_, Chuck Jones, 1955 ---
**Author:** ![MrFinch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6f9a4e/32.png) [@MrFinch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrFinch)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/comic-sans-went-into-a-bar/494157/91 "2009-05-03T13:21:05Z")
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