# Coming clean to spouse **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 7, 2013, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252 "2013-09-07T14:50:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/61 "2013-09-10T17:31:34Z")
Ok. That makes sense. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/62 "2013-09-10T17:59:22Z")
Well, I was assuming an affair that was over and done with so there wouldn’t be a bunch of doubt and suspicion. At least not because cheater’s current odd hours, habits or whatnot. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/63 "2013-09-10T18:23:24Z")
In my experience, I think it’s best to talk up front about the whole “what if one of us accidentally cheats just once and knows it is never going to happen again” situation. I have talked about this in the beginning of relationships, and always come to the same conclusion with my various boyfriends: both of us have always agreed that even if it was just a one-off transgression, we’d still prefer to know and would expect the other person to tell the truth about it soon after the fact. I know there are a lot of people in this world who feel that if they cheat just once and are very very sure it will never happen again, it is better to just keep it a secret. And I can kind of understand that mentality a bit. I might agree to that understanding beforehand if I met and dated someone who felt that way. But I think this is something EVERYONE should talk about with their partners at some point in their relationship. If you have never had this discussion with the person you are currently dating or married to, do it now! Say “hey honey, if you or I ever cheated on each other but it was a one time accident that you knew beyond doubt would never happen again, do you think it would be best to just keep it a secret or to come clean?” It’s not a particularly difficult conversation to have, and then you don’t have any sort of wondering on what the other person would want. Because some people honestly would prefer not to know at all, and others would feel it is their right to know. Couples should definitely be on the same page on this issue. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/64 "2013-09-10T18:42:26Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > If you have never had this discussion with the person you are currently dating or married to, do it now! Say “hey honey, if you or I ever cheated on each other but it was a one time accident that you knew beyond doubt would never happen again, do you think it would be best to just keep it a secret or to come clean?” It’s not a particularly difficult conversation to have, and then you don’t have any sort of wondering on what the other person would want. Because some people honestly would prefer not to know at all, and others would feel it is their right to know. Couples should definitely be on the same page on this issue. I think I’ll pass on that conversation. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/65 "2013-09-10T18:44:18Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > Well, I was assuming an affair that was over and done with so there wouldn’t be a bunch of doubt and suspicion… …that the cheater knows about. That’s my point. People who cheat often want to believe no one could possibly suspect anything, but the world doesn’t operate like that. ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2013, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/66 "2013-09-11T20:00:03Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > If you have never had this discussion with the person you are currently dating or married to, do it now! Say “hey honey, if you or I ever cheated on each other but it was a one time accident that you knew beyond doubt would never happen again, do you think it would be best to just keep it a secret or to come clean?” It’s not a particularly difficult conversation to have, and then you don’t have any sort of wondering on what the other person would want. Because some people honestly would prefer not to know at all, and others would feel it is their right to know. Couples should definitely be on the same page on this issue. > [@CarnalK](#): > > I think I’ll pass on that conversation. I’m actually thinking about bringing it up on our next roadtrip. It’s an interesting question, and that’s what we do during windshield time: talk about interesting questions. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2013, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/67 "2013-09-11T23:28:39Z")
> [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](#): > > I’m actually thinking about bringing it up on our next roadtrip. It’s an interesting question, and that’s what we do during windshield time: talk about interesting questions. Haha.Sounds like an awesome time filler - way better than counting out of state license plates. **you with the face** , in the real world people get away with cheating all the time. Yes people may be overly optimistic about suspicions not being aroused but likewise people are overly confident in their abilities to spot suspicious behavior. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/68 "2013-09-12T01:20:47Z")
If someone will lie to me for my own good about cheating, what else will he lie to me about so that I won’t get sad/get angry/leave him? “Cheating” isn’t just having sex with someone else. Open marriages can allow for sex with another person, but some/many/most open marriages could still have someone cheating. Because it’s not the sex, it’s the secret, hidden, deceptive action that happens to involve sex. But a betrayal wouldn’t need to involve sex. It could involve gambling or puppy kicking or a previous life as a Republican politician. The offense is taking something both parties consider serious and important and hiding what we really do and are in relation to that something. If we took the whole population of the world and split them up into three groups–1. people who have cheated even once, 2. people who have had the chance to cheat and didn’t, and 3. people who have never had the chance–I think the majority of people would think this is a meaningful grouping. I think most people would say that the grouping actually conveys something about the people in the groups, not something irrelevant and goofy, but something real and meaningful. And people who cheat also think it is important: important enough to hide or important enough to share. _That_ is what makes it relevant to the spouse. If you don’t want to face that change in status in your spouse’s eyes, moving from group 2 to group 1, either don’t cheat or marry someone who doesn’t think the groups are relevant. Or, as said upthread, have that conversation and know what your spouse wants to know (and don’t just assume it or make it up). ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/69 "2013-09-12T10:36:38Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > **you with the face** , in the real world people get away with cheating all the time. Yes people may be overly optimistic about suspicions not being aroused but likewise people are overly confident in their abilities to spot suspicious behavior. Unless the cheater possesses supernatural powers and can see into the heart and mind of their spouse, as well as foretell the future with 100% accuracy, they will not know what they’ll get away with. I agree with others in saying this is a good question to ask your SO. Perhaps it should on one of those premarital questionnaires. I’d be more interesting in learning a SO’s rationale for not telling me the truth, rather than knowing whether or not they would. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/70 "2013-09-12T13:09:21Z")
I think that’s a little silly. I don’t have 100% prediction on anything, yet I still have to make decisions all the time. This would just be another one. I have a hard time believing that a pre-affair conversation on this would be of much value. How honest could it be? You are asking “hey, should I lie about this?” and before it actually happens to them, I am pretty sure the vast majority of people would say “I would want to know so I can dump you”. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/71 "2013-09-12T14:17:55Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > I have a hard time believing that a pre-affair conversation on this would be of much value. How honest could it be? You are asking “hey, should I lie about this?” and before it actually happens to them, I am pretty sure the vast majority of people would say “I would want to know so I can dump you”. Consider this. Anyone who would say they’d prefer to remain in the dark if their SO had an affair is actually giving you a big red flagging clue as to what they’d probably do if they were the ones committing the affair. This is how people tell on themselves without even realizing it. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/72 "2013-09-12T15:09:53Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Consider this. Anyone who would say they’d prefer to remain in the dark if their SO had an affair is actually giving you a big red flagging clue as to what they’d probably do if they were the ones committing the affair. > > This is how people tell on themselves without even realizing it. You would have to be kind of clueless to not know you were telling on yourself though. That’s why I don’t believe the conversation would be a very honest one. eta: Chiliwack song that’s been in my head since this thread started: [Whatcha gonna do when I’m gone](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frhkavhoFjs) “If you give in, I don’t wanna hear it And if he wins, I don’t wanna see it Whatever you do, baby you could hide it Try to keep it quiet” ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/73 "2013-09-12T15:25:11Z")
I do wish one of the “don’t tell if it’s a one-time-never-again-thing” people would answer my question about what to do if there’s another one-time-never-again thing 3, 5, 10, 20 years later. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/74 "2013-09-12T15:29:13Z")
> [@Birdie46](#): > > Ok, well in my situation, the affair went on over the course of a year. I don’t think he will ever tell her and given that he is a master liar, I doubt she’ll ever find out. > > Should I tell her? Part of me feels that she has the right to know. Then again, I’m not a big fan of boiling bunnies, so I don’t want to be crazy either. Personally, I think you should suggest talking to the wife to the guy, the idea on your side being that you are trying to reconcile something about his and your relationship. I don’t really think it’s a good idea to talk to the wife about your relationship to her husband, but I think his reaction might give you some clues about whether he’s been honest with you – whether he really confessed to her or whether she’s still clueless. If it turns out he was lying, and he still hasn’t told her – yeah, if I were you, I’d tell her. Not really for her sake, but just to fuck over her lying scum cheating husband. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/75 "2013-09-12T15:35:35Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I do wish one of the “don’t tell if it’s a one-time-never-again-thing” people would answer my question about what to do if there’s another one-time-never-again thing 3, 5, 10, 20 years later. I’m not sure if you consider me one of those people ( I think it’s a personal decision, not something that should be a hard and fast rule), but if I had another one-time fling 3 years later I would have to seriously consider whether I am really into the relationship and why I am being such a jerk. I would not be as comfortable building up a warehouse full of horrible secrets. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/76 "2013-09-12T16:11:04Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > I think that’s a little silly. I don’t have 100% prediction on anything, yet I still have to make decisions all the time. This would just be another one. > > I have a hard time believing that a pre-affair conversation on this would be of much value. How honest could it be? You are asking “hey, should I lie about this?” and before it actually happens to them, I am pretty sure the vast majority of people would say “I would want to know so I can dump you”. If you don’t respect the other person enough to give them choices, you don’t respect the other person. And choices can include dumping your ass. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/77 "2013-09-12T17:00:17Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > That is one detail they deserve to know. It’s not about guilt or pain, it is about taking away their right to make their own decisions with regards to the relationship. To a large number of people, the majority i would be willing to bet, cheating is a deal breaker and a unilateral decision by the cheater to not confess to maintain the status quo is just as selfish as the cheating itself. Basically if you break your vows it is no longer your right to decide the relationship should continue. This is it in a nutshell. You don’t have the right to deprive your partner of critical, need-to-know information regarding THEIR life decisions. One of which may be that you will no longer be in it, but that’s their right. Not telling them is living a lie. Yeah, it would hurt to be on the receiving end of such a confession. But for the cheater to use that as an excuse not to come clean is just that, an excuse. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/78 "2013-09-12T17:04:06Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > You make a lot of assumptions which are not necessarily warranted. Most cheaters don’t stop at doing it after doing it once, and the risk of comebacks is quite high, even for a one-off. Or so says an article I recall from a recent sexuality journal which ran a fairly thorough poll on people who admitted to cheating at least once. > > And while a lot of cheated-upon spouses report “wishing they didn’t know now what they didn’t know then”, the longer ago the infidelity was discovered, the more there are that are glad to have learned of it. In both cases, the ones that wanted to know were in the majority. > > Rooting around for it, hope I find it later. The poll, that is. Not to mention, the infidelity is likely a symptom, to not tell keeps the issues going. Meaning those that caused the infidelity in the first place. If the cheater just shoves it under the rug, in the guise of “not hurting his/her spouse” how is it supposed to be addressed and fixed (if it can be)? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/79 "2013-09-12T17:19:33Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > I’m not sure if you consider me one of those people ( I think it’s a personal decision, not something that should be a hard and fast rule), but if I had another one-time fling 3 years later I would have to seriously consider whether I am really into the relationship and why I am being such a jerk. I would not be as comfortable building up a warehouse full of horrible secrets. But at that point, do you bring up the earlier incident? Because then they will be really upset. But if you don’t, you’re seriously misrepresenting what happened. And what if it’s ten year or more apart, both in times of serious but temporary stress? How often does a person get a freebie? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2013, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252/80 "2013-09-12T17:56:17Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > …accidentally cheats…if you or I ever cheated on each other but it was a one time accident… Still trying to wrap my head around how someone could “accidently” cheat. Can one trip and fall into a vat of naked succubi? If that _were_ possible, some guys would just start wearing really high heels and running close to the edge of the vat. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coming-clean-to-spouse/668252.md?page=5)