I can kinda sorta get the logic of the “if it happened just once and it was of zero consequence, don’t tell…it will only cause senseless pain” crowd.
But in my brain, I can’t get over the fact that this sounds like the perfect rationalization for shitty behavior. It’s just the thing that a shameless cheater would tell themselves to ease their own guilt and absolve them from any obligations of honesty. “Why, I could tell you that I boned your sister/brother last Halloween, but I’m not. It’s for your own good! Otherwise, you’ll leave me and we can’t have that, can we?”
So I dunno. Call me an idealist if you want, but I would prefer knowing than not knowing. Even if the cheater stays silent, it is always possible for their SO to find out the truth.
It is absolutely nothing but that. This people have convinced themselves that because it only happened once it is ok. They simply do not want to face the consequences of their actions and it is a continuation of their selfishness which lead to the cheating in the first place.
Maybe yes, maybe no. I know that it sounds good, but, is it right? Do we need to know everything about a spouse before we marry them? f it only happens once, then it is not ‘who you are’, because one time doesn’t define a person, except that they are a person who does something ‘one time’. We are too careless in confusing serial v. one-offs.
I say that one faux pas, while detestable, isn’t something that can control the future, and, ergo, need not be spilled. If they are happy, and it is not a continuous thing, why should we start talking about something as nebulous as ‘rights’? The wronged spouse also has a right to happiness, whether ignorant or not. There is also too much weight added to ‘full disclosure’, ‘right to know’, etc… in my opinion. It puts burdens on people that they may not deserve or need.
If a couple have a happy marriage, and one is stupid for one night, should the marriage be dissolved? Perhaps the stupid person has a right to happiness as well as the cuckold(ess-I know)? Whose right should get more weight? Why do we think that a confession will help anything? IIt won’t, unless one gets busted, which isn’t relevant to the OP.
I vote to keep quiet, if it’s a one-time thing.
Not necessarily so. Random chats with people made me realize that a lot of them don’t want to know (not a guess, many people told me that they’d rather not know that their SO had a fling). It surprised me a lot the first time, but I came to understand that it is a pretty common, and possibly very wise, attitude.
How often does this purported “one slip up on a business trip bracketed by fifty years of fidelity” actually happen? It’s not the pattern of anyone I know: cheaters either have an on-going relationship with someone (or several someones), or they are random-hookup types and engage in multiple random hook ups.
Now, I can totally see someone lying to themselves that each time was “just once” because all the incidents seem so different from each other. That’s human nature. But I think the number of people that have committed only a single act of infidelity in an otherwise healthy, open, and honest relationship is vanishingly small.
Also, for those of you that are firmly in the “don’t tell” camp, what do you think is the ethical choice is there IS a second incident:
Bob cheats on his wife. It’s a one-time fling when he gets together with some old high school friends. He regrets it immediately, resolves to never do it again, and never tells his wife.
Three years later, Bob is on a business trip and he has too much to drink and sleeps with a client there. What is he to do now? Confess to the one time, but lie if his wife asks if there have been others? Confess to the one time, but only mention the other if she asks? Confess to both? Not tell her about this, either, because it was only the one incident of cheating-on-a-business trip and nothing about it feels the same as the time he slept with that girl from high school?
What if it’s been five years? ten? twenty? What if there was an extensive affair, he confessed, and they worked through it, and THEN he has a fling, ten years after? Does he still get the one freebie?
This is how webs of lies start. Everyone tells themselves “It was a one time thing. It’ll never happen again, so I will just pretend it didn’t happen this time” But it often does happen again, and then your previous dishonesty makes everything more complicated.
Exactly. I’m single and it takes some amount of effort for me to start and comsummate even trivial flings. If I were married, that effort would need to at least double, because not only would I have to hide things from my SO but also people who know my SO. Spontaneous sex after a happy hour during a company retreat 9 times out of 10 doesn’t happen without some premeditation.
If there was a rule of nature that required any act of cheating to be confessed, I wonder if that would be a deterrent. If so, there’s our explanation for why people think hiding it is the best choice. It’s their way of avoiding punishment. Has nothing to do with protecting their SO’s.
Why do people keep saying “everything”? not one person here has said your spouse needs to know everything about you.
And why do you think you should get to decide this? You are basically saying you shouldn’t confess because you might get dumped. It is just as selfish as cheating.
Very well said. And if you’re a continual cheater, the odds are that it WILL eventually be discovered, so come clean early on and let the other person decide what he or she wants to do.
I assume you mean “My partner who is true blue faithful” doesn’t really exist because, in reality, she’s been cheating. Therefore, the person I think she is, isn’t who she really is.
This is a bit esoteric, but nobody really knows anyone else. You can go to your grave happy with your loyal spouse even when they’ve been a discrete, clever cheating dog for decades. In what way is that worse than learning about it and realizing you’ve been fooled, and going through the hurt? Balls. BALLS! I say, to that.
The cheater who is wracked with guilt needs to eat that shit sandwich, wipe their mouth and brush their teeth. Devastating an innocent partner to relieve a conscience is cowardly and selfish. If you truly feel bad about it, go that extra mile to ensure your partner’s happiness every day for the rest of your life. Heaping misery on misery is no kind of answer.
ETA: Unless you know you’re gonna do it again. In that case, end the relationship.
I would ask you “why?” But I’m pretty sure the answer is along the lines of you want to live in truth. Which is sensible enough.
I would defend my previous post on the matter by quoting Paul Simon: “A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” I can ramble for days on this, but I might suggest instead: Let the fool who is happy in his ignorance remain ignorant. (provided his ignorance isn’t harming anyone, etc. etc.)
You are basically unilaterally deciding the relationship should continue while keeping your partner in the dark about who you really are. It is pure self serving bullshit coated behind a thin “I’m doing it for them” excuse. Yes, it hurts finding out someone you love betrayed you but it beats living with someone who is lying every day of their life.
You don’t have an imagination if you can’t see how this is false.
A confession at home, in a private moment, in a space where you and SO can show emotion and discuss what happened sensitively is completely different than learning the truth from a friend of a friend who saw something suspicious on Facebook and then realizing that the whole world knew about the affair except for you.
That’s certainly a valid point. But in my case “finding out” led to questions and reflections on things said by her and others. On at least 4 occasions (Yeah, I’m stupid, sue me) it was clear: I was the last to know. I felt a fool, yeah, but it never crossed my mind that in the opinion of mutual acquaintances being a fool was worse than being the cheater. At the end of it all, the root of hurt was the betrayal itself, not so much what others thought of me for not catching on.
Everyone is different, I suppose. Feeling like a fool adds insult to the injury caused by being cheated on. So does feeling stupid for ignoring red flags.
It is not uncommon for someone to suspect cheating well before they get confirmation. That interim period can be full of doubt, anxiety, and distrustfulness. Cheaters delude themselves into thinking there is no way their SO knows what happened, but it really doesn’t take much to tipoff a well-developed intuition. Just because a spouse is in denial, doesn’t mean they are oblivious. The suspicion could be silently eating away at them.
Given this, coming clean is doing them a favor. It’s putting them out of suspense and allowing them to see the truth for what it is, rather than what they hope it is.