I think that because of all the emotion involved in this kind of thing, it’s a little pointless to make up a whole bunch of hypotheticals or any real “plan” of how I’d handle it. I am just saying I know that I won’t tell for sure or keep it quiet for sure. If this ever comes up I think I’ll have to deal with it and decide depending on the circumstances and feelings I have at the time. I also think a lot of the extremely confident “Oh, you GOTTA tell them” are coming from people who are sure they will never cheat and thus never think they’ll have to have that difficult confession to make.
Yeah, I don’t get that either. Cheating isn’t an accident, it isn’t simply “one mistake”. It is a long series of deliberate choices, the choice not to tell is just the last one in a very long line of purely selfish and self serving decisions.
And I think a lot of the “Oh, I’d never tell” comes from people who are cheaters or who want to make cheating no big deal.
Are we done poisoning the well yet?
I can understand that, but my point is that the “stable of lies” starts with the first one, and that often the only time where you really have a choice to come clean–with anything in life–is the first time: the second or the third or fourth time, you feel trapped in the “keep lying” mode because now any truth will reveal all the falsehoods of the past. This is true when you lie to cover for a co-worker, to make yourself look better to someone, to win an argument.
I think this downward spiral is as old as time, and the older I get the most strongly I feel that the only way to avoid it is at the top.
It’s probably a clumsy phrasing. You’re right that nobody accidentally cheats.
And it may not be a very honest conversation. But if you have it with your partner, and your partner says that they would want to know, then you have NO excuse not to tell them if/when you cheat.
But as I mentioned I’ve had the conversation before, and I am glad that I have had it. And I think everyone should be on the same page. Because honestly, there are a A LOT of people who honestly rather would just not know if it was a one-off transgression. The whole, “Why are you telling me this? I didn’t need to know! You’re only doing this to get rid of your guilt!” crowd. And that point of view is not wrong, it’s just how some people feel.
And I disagree that anyone who feels that way, and says that they would rather not know if it was a one-off transgression is “telling on themselves.” I am sure that in the history of humanity there have been plenty of people who have never cheated, but also just do not want to know if their partner cheats on them only once.
True. I found out about my husband’s affair from a string of raunchy emails he failed to delete. Even had the nerve to rightfully deny it with the damn email in my hand. Finally, with his tail between his legs, said yes, but it was “nothing”. It was a “mistake”.
I had a gut feeling something was happening, hence my suspicions and desire to seek out proof. He would have never come forward with this information.
I have no desire to be on that end of ignorance. In fact, I HATE hearing that people would rather not know if heir spouse was unfaithful. REALLY?
5 years later and I still resent him for what he did. So, while my mental and physical health has declined because of the rage, I would still rather have known that not known.
That’s not what I meant by “telling on themselves”.
If someone says “Please don’t tell me about an meaningless affair! I’d rather not know!”, I bet it is highly likely they will be equally reticent in confessing their own affairs, should they have one.
This is information that would be useful to a person who values truth above everything else.
Ignorance is bliss.
Willful ignorance, is a drug administered to oneself. Warm and fuzzies, because reality is hard.
Forced ignorance, is a drug slipped to you while you weren’t looking. Warm and fuzzies, because someone else doesn’t like the way you behave when you know the truth. When it wears off, you’re generally pissed.
Well, I think it tells me something different. It tells me that I’m not really dealing with someone who is comfortable with reality and who wants to see things as they are.
Number me among these. I’m close enough to the end of my run the knowledge would do much more harm than good–I’m willing to die happy at the expense of dying wise.
Sheesh, I was just saying that this is a much easier thing to decide in the abstract than in the moment. No need to break out the rhetoric warrior’s handbook. I am firmly in the “It depends” camp anyway.
I will concede that not telling likely has a fair bit of selfish reasoning behind it - you don’t want the relationship to end. But it’s not completely unreasonable that you can think your SO would want the relationship to continue and telling would ruin that. If you continue having affairs, it’s obviously all selfish.
I think I’ll be watching TV with **CarnalK **when the conversation is being held elsewhere.
“Oh, say, honey, so, when you get rogered roundly, after we’re married, how would you feel about telling me? I mean, it *will *be an accident, won’t it? And, it *would *only be one time, wouldn’t it?” As a matter of fact, I’ll pass on the conversation several times.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around what kind of so-called “guy” would actually need to wear really high heels to accidentally fall into a vat of naked succubi.