# Commandment Tablets **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 24, 2009, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546 "2009-08-24T20:41:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/21 "2009-08-25T16:24:33Z")
1. Thou shalt not get involved in a land war in Asia. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/22 "2009-08-25T18:15:38Z")
Do or do not; there is no “try.” ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/23 "2009-08-25T18:28:30Z")
1. The above commandments are intended as guidelines only. Do not slavishly adhere to them while disregarding common sense and compassion, or I shall smite you big time. ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/24 "2009-08-25T18:45:54Z")
1. In any contest involving the four stations, and the wielding of the club and of the hands, thou shalt not designate certain warriors to wield the club alone, as this is an abomination and most displeasing unto the Lord your God. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/25 "2009-08-25T19:04:05Z")
15 Thou shalt always include the serial comma. I have spoken. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/26 "2009-08-25T21:12:19Z")
If thou art a man, and be 42 inches at the navel, and 36 inches at the hips, thou wearest not size 36 pants. If thou art a woman and thou can pinch several inches from thy hindquarters, thou shouldst not be judged but neither shouldst thou weareth a thong. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/27 "2009-08-25T21:14:27Z")
Axe products are an offense against God and man and should be banished from the face of the earth. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/28 "2009-08-25T21:44:00Z")
Thou shall not sticketh thy dick in the crazy. If thou coacheth the Saints, thou shalt not run a reverse on third and short, or yea verily, I shall layeth the smacketh down upon thy candy ass. If thou provideth cable/satellite service, thou shalt not allow thy service to be disrupted during any contest involving SEC or NFL teams. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/29 "2009-08-25T23:06:52Z")
Know thee that there shall be a man, and he shall be called Nostradamus- know thee that the bitch just makes a bunch of shit up. And know thee that there is NO CODE in this book. None. Seek it not. Not there. I the Lord am not the least bit bashful- ask thee Sodom and Gomorrah or a bunch of other people with names ending in “ites”; if I want to say something I’ll say it without anagrams or word seeks. Take thee instead the money thou wouldst spend upon BIBLE CODE books and gather unto thee lottery tickets; thou may not win anything and probably won’t, but at least you won’t have just paid money to become more stupid. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/30 "2009-08-26T00:19:45Z")
> [@StaudtCJ](#): > > rule 14: Don’t touch that Rule 14b: Can’t touch this ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/31 "2009-08-26T01:27:38Z")
XI: The Lord loveth the working man. XII: Don’t trust whitey. XIII: See a doctor and get rid of it. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/32 "2009-08-26T02:19:55Z")
XI: If thou be distant from the one thou most greatly love, thou mayest nevertheless show compassion and affection to the one whom chance presently places in thy company. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/33 "2009-08-26T03:14:48Z")
XIII - There shalt not be any rule number XIII XIV - For a good time, thou shalt call Liluth (III II XII - I IX IV IV) XV - The Lord sayeth thus, I shalt not catch any man who doth drinketh not. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/34 "2009-08-26T03:21:54Z")
_“Forceth not, anything mechanical.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Tabby\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tabby\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabby_Cat)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/35 "2009-08-26T04:10:03Z")
Nuggan is an abomination unto the LORD. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/36 "2009-08-26T05:17:19Z")
1. Baseball players play both offense and defense. Any activity that allows certain players to play the entire game on only one of these shalt not be called baseball. Note that I don’t forbid you to play it on its own merits. I merely require that you call it something else. And don’t let me catch any actual baseball players disporting themselves in such an activity. 1. I created oysters because I want you to have pearls, because I love you. They are not food, so get them the fuck out of your mouths. Honestly, it’s like having a six-month old who’d rather chew on its toys than play with them. What, are you teething? ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/37 "2009-08-26T05:41:31Z")
XIII : Thou shalt not follow gods who needest starships. XIV : If thou buildest it, they shalt come. XV : Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/38 "2009-08-29T16:09:15Z")
Thou shalt not casteth me in a movie lest it shall be with a Shakespearean British actor, or if it be American, James Earl Jones. Don Knotts be-eth right out, also Danny Devito, and think thee not of even considering Tyler Perry or Quentin Tarantino, but choose one whose voice is deep and manner somber, yet hath no associations with low budget crap, save it be a Shakespearean or James Earl Jones who did slummeth in the 70s for alimony. ---
**Author:** ![E-Sabbath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19adc/32.png) [@E-Sabbath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-Sabbath)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/39 "2009-08-29T17:37:29Z")
Sampiro: I quite disagree. George Burns makes a superior deity to _either_ of those choices. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546/40 "2009-08-29T18:28:10Z")
XI: If it fucks, floats or flies, renteth, do not buyeth. XII: Never get between a woman and a thermostat, eth. XIII: An anti-Christ willest appear, and his name willest be Rush. XIV: Your Commandments here – dial VVV-IIII. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commandment-tablets/507546.md?page=3)