Commit Cultural Heresy: No Cow Too Sacred.

Sometimes I think I’m committing a bigger cultural heresy around here by saying that I like Starbucks. Black, even.

After hearing his praises sung by all and sundry around the Cafe Society, I decided to look up Eddie Izzard on YouTube. I watched a total of about forty minutes of clips, and while I found him entertaining I completely failed to see what’s earned him such adoration. For comparison, Stephen Fry on QI had me in utter hysterics.

Lewis Black is another. I found his first routines (“If it weren’t for my horse…”) fantastic. He was hilarious as he steadily wound himself up over something so absolutely absurd. Now that he has a regular spot on the Daily Show and has to come up with something new every time, he’s turned into a slightly more energetic Andy Rooney.

  1. Sacred cows. They’re not sacred and most of them are not cows.

  2. People who feel the need to attack sacred cows. Do you not have anything better to do with your time? Get a life.

  3. “Rent.” Og, what a miserable excuse for everything it’s supposed to be, but isn’t.

Science fiction writing is retarded! Fantasy is also retarded!

Any of that shit with dwarves, elves, gnomes, magic, faux-Medieval settings, robots, alien armies, teleportation, and all other sci-fi or fantasy concepts, is all swill!

The guys who write that stuff write it because they don’t understand REAL LIFE and REAL PEOPLE and so they have to make up fake worlds and fake people. A real writer, someone like Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Miller, Vonnegut, Wolfe, knows what real people and real life are like, and writes about it, instead of inventing fake universes to set everything in.

Writers like J.G. Ballard who sometimes write stories taking place in futuristic or otherwise alternate realities, but whose writing is primarily about humans and human problems, are exempt from this.

Guys who trim their eyebrows. I HATE it!!! It looks fake, it looks effeminate (not that there’s anything wrong with that), it totally throws off the balance of the face and makes the eyes look weak. I know a guy who had a beautiful almost-monobrow, and now it looks like he penciled in his brows, and I feel like shaking his shoulders and knocking some sense into him.

I can’t wait till this fad is over, and guys retain their natural brows.

Jessica Alba. Not ugly, but not worth crossing the street over either.

Jessica Simpson, same thing.

Loved it when I was a kid watching it afternoon syndication. Still, if you’re going to go where no man has gone before,

YOU SEND ROBOTS, NOT PEOPLE.

Oh yeah.

Jack Kirby, may he rest in peace.

Totally overrated as a comic book artist.

and Tina Fey can’t act.

Something I probably shouldn’t mention because she was such an American icon and played such a vital role in history and because I’m white and she’s a black icon, but as she’s dead and as I don’t dispute her legacy at all, I will say it now just to be iconoclastic:

Rosa Parks was a rude old bitch.

This has nothing to do with her past and her significance in the Civil Rights movement: I don’t belittle that in the slightest and I’ve always and still get irked when others do. (Something you hear a lot down here: “You know that whole bus boycott was a set-up”- yeah, true, MLK and Parks and Abernathy and E.D. Nixon and the crew got together and actually set up the Jim Crow segregation laws [somehow doing this before many of them were born] then put a gun to the driver’s head to force him to enforce them when he really wanted to put Rosa and other black passengers in comfy chairs up front and have his wife rub their feet- gimme a break, the bus boycott may have been planned and above all effective, but it was not a “set-up” and Rosa Parks really did have to leave town due to the death threats over it.)

However, that said, I worked in various upscale hotels in Montgomery for a number of years and many celebrities came through during that time for various charity golf tournaments and concerts and movies filmed nearby and speaking engagements. Most really weren’t that memorable, a few were memorably polite or nice or neat (Sissy Spacek [most down to Earth Oscar winner you can imagine], Walter Matthau, James Earl Jones, Baroness Jane Goodall [funny story there about her roses…], Dwight Murdock [A Team’s Murdock, not a big star but very funny and very nice], Danny Devito [SUPER nice and an unbelievable tipper], Tony Randall [like Matthau not at all what you’d expect in person], Maya Angelou [funny story about her and dinner plates but I’ll save it], Jesse Jackson [super nice and charismatic in person], etc.) and some were memorably rude or obnoxious (Gallagher, Mary Steenburgen, Mrs. Jack Lemmon [he was okay but she was a horror and I think “Mrs. Jack Lemmon” was the name on her driver’s license if not her birth certificate], Edward Furlong and his horrible then Svengalia girlfriend, Evel Knieval, Reba McEntire) and some were just memorable (Whoopi Goldberg [funny as hell but either coked up or else just naturally wired at the time], Roy “Hee Haw” Clark [you wouldn’t think to look at him but that old man entered partying, partied while he was here, and left partying], Leslie Nielsen [very weird man], Roddy McDowell [distant but fascinating guy] etc.).
With all celebrities I treated them as I would any other guests, never did the whole “I"m a huge fan” or “I think you’re wonderful and want to bear your children” thing, just “sir” “ma’am” “How can I help you?” respectful courtesy stuff, even when I’m thinking “I AM SO STANDING NEXT TO DARTH VADER’S VOICE!”

Okay, so Rosa Parks came several times for various speaking engagements and to see friends and family here. She was haughty, arrogant, would not speak to me (I was her bellman once and her desk clerk a couple of times), was rude as hell on the phone (“I need ice in my room. Now!”) and usually spoke to staff through one of her escorts. I at first wondered if it was because I’m white (I try not to be obvious about it, but sometimes it seeps through), but nope, the black bellmen and housekeepers also didn’t like her even though they wanted to; she was so bad that one of her traveling companions, a youngish lady that was introduced as her granddaughter (which isn’t possible biologically as Ms. Parks had no children, though her husband did by a previous marriage so perhaps it was step or perhaps it was adoption) actually went behind her apologizing on one trip and giving tips to the bellmen.

Anyway, as I said, this wasn’t once but at least three times. She was in fact somewhat legendary locally for not being a sweet old lady. The last time I saw her she was very old and in ill health and so that probably added, but the first couple of times she was mobile and coherent et al. It’s one of those “I wish I could say she was sweet and it was a wonderful experience meeting her”, but nope.

Most stand-up comedians, gay themed movies, chick flicks, and bestsellers with main characters who are lawyers or crimesolvers are created by no talent hacks.

Cats, Wicked, and most other really splashy musicals of the last 30 years also suck (and I like musicals in general).

While I like some quotations by him, as a novelist Thomas Wolfe (of You Can’t Go Home Again fame, not Tom Wolfe) would have to take 9 years of writing courses and have 16 of the world’s greatest editors before he could work his way up to sucking.

Gore Vidal’s novels all read like they were written by an alien who had never experienced human emotion and I don’t even think he believes half the conspiracy shit he writes. I like some of his essays but I have no idea why he’s considered a great novelist or such a brilliant thinker.

Anderson Cooper did some good if non-objective reporting from Katrina but otherwise he’s a closeted pretty-boy with a “news” show designed to sell Pepsi to the brain dead first and report crap only as a distant afterthought; I don’t understand the fact he equals integrity to so many fans.

Kathy Griffin was funny a few years ago but now she’s beginning to seem desperate and bitter kind of like post Answered Prayers excerpts Capote. She needs to downscale her life (get rid of the rambling mansion and hangers on) and retired for a little while to reinvent herself; she’d probably be a good writer.

Geraldine Ferraro’s comment that Barack Obama is lucky he’s black was bullshit, but if she’d said the same thing about Tyler Perry I’d agree. He’s the unfunniest hack to come along since Buddy Hackett and if it weren’t for the near total void of decently budgeted entertainment marketed to black people he’d still be living on friends’ sofas in Atlanta.

The Honeymooners was one of the least funny shows ever on television.

David Lynch is one of the worst film makers in the history of celluloid.

And things already mentioned that I’ll add my signature to the petition against:
STAR TREK

Televised professional or college sports (and the first time I heard there was a ‘golf channel’ I actually thought the person was joking and asked “is there a tropical fish channel too?”)

Bob Dylan (I like some of the songs he’s written but he disgusts me as a performer)

Jack Kerouack (I just don’t get him)

J.R.R. Tolkien (I’m not sure if he was mentioned specifically but fantasy was)- I’ll never understand his cult

Titanic wasn’t the greatest film of all time but it’s better than most art house crap

Ruby, you’re fantastic and I love you, but would you even dream of writing something like that about books, music, movies, poetry, sports or theatre?

Video games are just another mode of entertainment and it’s ridiculous to tar and feather the whole medium just because you don’t like it.

Country Music sucks

Rap sucks

Anime sucks

Musicals suck

Jerry Bruckheimer sucks

Michael Bay sucks

Bill Cosby sucks

Aerosmith sucks

KISS sucks

Horror Films suck

Single-Speed Urban Hipster Bicycles suck

Big Sunglasses suck

Nascar sucks

Bottled Water sucks

Windows sucks

Glennbecknancygraceloudobbs sucks

Newspaper Comic Strips suck

Howard Stern sucks

Post-Early 90s U2 sucks
Special Canadian-Content Section:

The Tragically Hip suck

Hockey sucks

Tim Horton’s Coffee sucks

Rush sucks

Quentin Tarentino. He makes vulgar, dismal movies full of violence and foulness that exist only for their own sake, reminding me of nothing so much as a mal-adjusted 14 year old sociopathic nerd jacking off to his dad’s bondage magazines in the basement.

Bill Hicks wasn’t funny.

Clever as hell, and worthy of admiration for that I’ll give you, but as a comedian, he sucked.

Ho boy, you should probably never come to Japan. Sometimes they even shave them completely. Not only that, they also wear barrettes. Although the girls are still worse, sometimes plucking the eyebrow to nearly nothing and drawing it back in underneath. I just don’t get it. I’m kinda hairy, and the region between my two brows could use a bit of the ol’ pluckin, but there’s no need to go overboard.

Unlike ArizonaTeach, I don’t think the The Wire is crap, but its apparent reputation as “the best show on television” is simply due to its verisimilitude, and that is a notable quality only due to the lack of it elsewhere.

I actually don’t care how real The Wire is; what gets me is how much I can dig the characters and plotting. Even if it were a complete fantasy, there is just something absolutely compelling about the people on the show, what they do, and how they do it.

As for my own sacred cows, I don’t really think there are any I can wholly slaughter. The closest I can think of is most rap that I’ve heard, but I’m not exactly alone there.

It makes Starbucks look gourmet, but half of Canada is addicted to it, I can’t figure out what their secret is. The worst part is now I kinda want one Dammit!

Amen. Children are no more important than adults.
Anyway, *which * children?

Right time, right place, clever exploitation of a gap in the market, compounded by a sort of faddy mania, I guess - no more or less comprehensible than tulipomania.

I’m criticising something I haven’t delved very deep into though - I gave up when it became apparent that there was only one plot - Harry Potter and the Close Brush with Peril - repeated over and over.

Yeah, it makes me sick how much we anthropomorphise them.

Sue Grafton is a sloppy writer. She cannot write a comprehensive sentence.

Woody Allen has NO talent. NONE. ZERO. ZILCH. And let’s not go into his personal life (Mia: Woody, I told you: You don’t fuck the children)