# Commonplace situations in which you don't know how to act. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 16, 2011, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222 "2011-07-16T04:56:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Elret](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Elret](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elret)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/21 "2011-07-17T21:28:48Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > … every evening a woman got off the bus from work, walked into the squalor filled with old rummies nursing beers all day long, and she ordered exotic tropical drinks. As if she was on vacation. Blue Hawaiians, pina coladas, mai tais. She wasn’t embarrassed, though I certainly would be. why? What is there to be embarassed of? ---
**Author:** ![RadicalPi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/radicalpi/32/9806_2.png) [@RadicalPi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RadicalPi)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/22 "2011-07-17T22:03:36Z")
> [@KinkiNipponTourist](#): > > I’m kind of estranged from my family, so don’t visit them on holidays or visit when I have business trips back to the US, where I’m from. They don’t visit me here, either. But co-workers inevitably ask these questions whenever I visit the US/whenever the holidays come around. You are on the right track. In these sorts of situations, vague is the way to go. “How’s the family?” — Pretty good, pretty good. Yours? “Are you excited to be going back to the States?” — Of course, but I’m not looking forward to jet lag. “Are you going back the States for Christmas this year?” — I can’t. I’m trying to save some money for something I need or want. “Is your family mad that you won’t make it?” — They’re a bit disappointed, but they understand. I put this in some detail because I don’t care for my family that much either, and it took me years to figure out how to get past these sorts of situations. The key is to answer the question quickly, but without rushing, and then link it to something you like or don’t like, which will lead things away from where you’re uncomfortable. Remember the people you’re talking to aren’t all that interested in your family and mostly just want to shoot the breeze. Things might be different in the Japanese culture, of course. > [@Maiira](#): > > I never know what to do in bars. I don’t go to them very often, which is probably why, but every time I’m in one I just think “so…can I just order any drink I want? And they’ll have it??” Not always of course, but unless you’re asking for the finest French wines in a dive bar, no one will think anything of it if you ask for something they don’t have. To stave off discomfort, it might help to ask if they have something if you are unsure if they have it. Or ask the bartender to recommend something for you. “What’s the best beer you got on tap?” for example. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/23 "2011-07-17T22:40:24Z")
I have the same discomfort in bars. I don’t know where to sit, how to get the bartender’s attention, when to pay, how to ask how much a drink is without seeming cheap, how much and when to tip, how to get food, what to do if I want to sit at a table instead of the bar (do I wait for someone to come take my order, order at the bar and carry it back myself) where to put my purse…just a mass of uncertainty! I’ve been in plenty of bars, but usually on a date, so all these little details were taken care of for me. The few times I’ve ventured in on my own, I am distinctly uncomfortable. What the hell is a well drink? ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/24 "2011-07-17T23:36:45Z")
Ending conversations. Are we done? Are you Ok? Well, bye then. Or did you move on to the next person? I’ll go back to my cube then. Starting conversations at work. No really, boss, I can wait ubtil you finish reading that email/that hi-pri convo with a co-worker/the hot question from the big boss. Really, I’ll just wait my turn. You say my hanging around your cube seems stalkerish? 😕 I’ll go back to my cube then. Conflict - I don’t like it. Can’t we just get along? No? I’ll go back to my cube then. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/25 "2011-07-18T00:08:02Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I have the same discomfort in bars. I don’t know where to sit, how to get the bartender’s attention, when to pay, how to ask how much a drink is without seeming cheap, how much and when to tip, how to get food, what to do if I want to sit at a table instead of the bar (do I wait for someone to come take my order, order at the bar and carry it back myself) where to put my purse…just a mass of uncertainty! I’ve been in plenty of bars, but usually on a date, so all these little details were taken care of for me. The few times I’ve ventured in on my own, I am distinctly uncomfortable. What the hell is a well drink? I think we need an Ask the Bartender thread! IANAB but it has been explained to me that a well drink is one made with the house brand (inexpensive) liquor as opposed to a call drink made from a specifically requested brand of liquor. ---
**Author:** ![Chipacabra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Chipacabra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chipacabra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/26 "2011-07-18T00:09:35Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > In my situation, this pertains to what to do at a bike shop. I’ve owned cheap dept. store mountain bikes in the past, and for the first time in 10 or so years have purchased my own, quality bicycle from a friend. Anyway, I’ve never been to a bike shop. Do I just walk in with my bike and see if someone can look at it? I’m assuming the answer is yes…it must be the same as going to the garage and having a mechanic look at your car. I’m just totally new to everything bicycle thus don’t know the proper etiquette. > > Does anyone else have any stories of being totally baffled by (relatively) commonplace situations? Am I just being a nutter? I basically had this exact thing not too long ago. I had just ordered a nice bike online, and I realized I didn’t have the tools and/or skill to assemble it properly. So I went to the nearest bike shop and just asked for help. They said it would take a week, so I went to the NEXT closest bike shop and got it taken care of on the spot. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/27 "2011-07-18T00:23:03Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I have the same discomfort in bars. I don’t know where to sit, how to get the bartender’s attention, when to pay, how to ask how much a drink is without seeming cheap, how much and when to tip, how to get food, what to do if I want to sit at a table instead of the bar (do I wait for someone to come take my order, order at the bar and carry it back myself) where to put my purse…just a mass of uncertainty! I’ve been in plenty of bars, but usually on a date, so all these little details were taken care of for me. The few times I’ve ventured in on my own, I am distinctly uncomfortable. What the hell is a well drink? Well drinks are no-name liquor. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/28 "2011-07-18T14:28:12Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Well drinks are no-name liquor. So if I ask for a Tom Collins, it’d be a well drink, but if I specify a Tom Collins made with a specific brand of gin, it’ll cost me more? ---
**Author:** ![KinkiNipponTourist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e9bcb4/32.png) [@KinkiNipponTourist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KinkiNipponTourist)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/29 "2011-07-18T14:47:06Z")
> [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](#): > > I’m not estranged from my family, but I only talk to them every few weeks. When people ask me how they are doing, I often say something like “I wouldn’t know.” > > It works for me. YMMV, of course. > > -D/a Thanks, **D/a**. Years go by in my case. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to my parents on the phone. > [@RadicalPi](#): > > You are on the right track. In these sorts of situations, vague is the way to go. > > “How’s the family?” — Pretty good, pretty good. Yours? > “Are you excited to be going back to the States?” — Of course, but I’m not looking forward to jet lag. > “Are you going back the States for Christmas this year?” — I can’t. I’m trying to save some money for something I need or want. > “Is your family mad that you won’t make it?” — They’re a bit disappointed, but they understand. > > I put this in some detail because I don’t care for my family that much either, and it took me years to figure out how to get past these sorts of situations. The key is to answer the question quickly, but without rushing, and then link it to something you like or don’t like, which will lead things away from where you’re uncomfortable. Remember the people you’re talking to aren’t all that interested in your family and mostly just want to shoot the breeze. > Things might be different in the Japanese culture, of course. Thanks, **RadicalPi**. I trip myself up because I do go to the US for the holidays–but always spend them with friends. Interestingly, I can field my J-coworkers’ questions easily: “your family must miss you etc…” It’s fellow expats, all of whom go home to visit family. Me, I’ve got the big suitcase but am not going home. I’m sure I’m just overthinking it all. People that ask every year though, I’ve had to finally just try…to casually mention that I don’t spend…much time with family…and what was supposed to be idle elevator chat suddenly gets awkward. bah. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/30 "2011-07-18T15:11:32Z")
Yes, and sometimes well drinks are on special whereas call drinks are not. (Of course, I suppose it’s possible that you could call a cheaper liquor than the well, but I doubt that happens.) ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/31 "2011-07-18T16:49:21Z")
> [@RadicalPi](#): > > … > Not always of course, but unless you’re asking for the finest French wines in a dive bar, no one will think anything of it if you ask for something they don’t have. To stave off discomfort, it might help to ask if they have something if you are unsure if they have it. Or ask the bartender to recommend something for you. “What’s the best beer you got on tap?” for example. “What’s the cheapest beer you got on tap?” has always worked for me. They always have that one. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/32 "2011-07-18T17:07:44Z")
This would be most social situations, for me. > [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > I often feel a bit bewildered in clothes stores that don’t clearly show which is the mens section and which is the womens. Jeans stores can be the worst as the intended sex isn’t always obvious from the style of clothes. Can you tell by the sizes? That’s what I do, in the US. Men’s sizes are usually numbers in the 30s or 40s, size of something in inches (waist and inseam for pants, not sure for shirts). Women’s sizes are numbers in the single-digits or teens, having nothing to do with the measurement of anything, but the smaller numbers are smaller sizes. But I know this is highly variable by country, so you might not be able to do this in other countries. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/33 "2011-07-18T17:33:41Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > … I often feel a bit bewildered in clothes stores that don’t clearly show which is the mens section and which is the womens. Jeans stores can be the worst as the intended sex isn’t always obvious from the style of clothes. Ha. I don’t go clothes-shopping often. The last time I needed to buy basic black pants, I had a crisis in the dressing room. When the _fuck_ did I go up \*that \*many sizes? I’ve gained an eensy teensy bit of weight, so what the holy hell happ- Oh. These are from the junior’s department. :smack: I’m lately having a hard time being a good listener to a friend who’s going through a messy, nasty divorce + custody battle. There’s only so many times I can say, “aw, that sucks … dude, I’m sorry, that sucks…” before I blurt out with something wholly unhelpful, like “why the fuck did you marry and conceive a child with this bitchfromhell?” and then feel like a shit when I see his face change expression. (Seriously, though, that woman is giving the rest of us a bad name.) ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/34 "2011-07-18T17:45:50Z")
This happens enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don’t know how “commonplace” this is. Being complimented on a personal attribute (looks, intelligence, etc.) in the company of another person of the same gender. Like, say you’re a woman and you often interact with another woman coworker. So the two of you are in the breakroom, talking about something trivial. A flirtatious guy comes in and says to you, “You know, you’re a very elegant person. Very classy and intelligent. I just wanted to tell you that.” But he has nothing to say to the other woman. And this happens on a regular basis, where this particular guy will compliment you and not the other person who’s standing right next to you. What do you do? Say, “Thanks! I think so-and-so over here is pretty cool too”? Do you just ignore the snub and hope that the other woman’s feelings aren’t hurt? I would rather not be complimented at all in this situation. It’s awkward and weird. ---
**Author:** ![Plumbkrazy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f05b48/32.png) [@Plumbkrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumbkrazy)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/35 "2011-07-18T17:59:43Z")
Walking into the restroom here at work and being struck by the most god-awful, face-melting stench ever, only to realize that my boss is responsible when he joins me at the lavatories for “cleanup”. It is the epitome of the phrase “pink elephant in the living room”, times one million. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/36 "2011-07-18T18:03:21Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > So if I ask for a Tom Collins, it’d be a well drink, but if I specify a Tom Collins made with a specific brand of gin, it’ll cost me more? Depends on what brand you specify. Look at [this picture](http://www.tannersvilleinn.com/Behind%20Bar.jpg). See that rail at the bartender’s knees? That’s the well. It’s also known as a rack or a rail. See the bottles over his head (usually behind him in a single-sided bar)? That’s the shelf. A well drink is poured from one of the bottles in the well. The drinks down there are the default, go-to liquors and will be used unless specified otherwise. They’re generic and low-quality so yes, you’ll pay more for something else. But it’s not the act of specifying that makes it a well or call drink, it’s the brand of liquor. So if you see an ad that says “Happy Hour- Well drinks $2” then you know you can get a cheap-but-crappy drink there. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/37 "2011-07-18T18:16:14Z")
Being thanked for my service. What am I supposed to say back? “You’re welcome.” “No problem.” “Any time.” “I did it for the money.” “I did it with you in mind.” “I didn’t even consider you when I made that decision.” Those all sound stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/38 "2011-07-18T18:25:19Z")
Sounds like most of the people in this thread bewildered about how to act in particular situations are afraid to ask salespeople, strangers, other parents, etc. simple questions, which would clear up a significant amount of bewilderment. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/39 "2011-07-18T18:38:35Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Ha. I don’t go clothes-shopping often. The last time I needed to buy basic black pants, I had a crisis in the dressing room. When the _fuck_ did I go up \*that \*many sizes? I’ve gained an eensy teensy bit of weight, so what the holy hell happ- > > Oh. > > These are from the junior’s department. :smack: These days you can always tell the juniors’ department because everything there is cheaply made and cheap-in-the-sense-of-whore. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/40 "2011-07-18T20:33:33Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > Can you tell by the sizes? That’s what I do, in the US. Men’s sizes are usually numbers in the 30s or 40s, size of something in inches (waist and inseam for pants, not sure for shirts). Women’s sizes are numbers in the single-digits or teens, having nothing to do with the measurement of anything, but the smaller numbers are smaller sizes. But I know this is highly variable by country, so you might not be able to do this in other countries. Yeah that’s my last resort. I prefer to be able to go straight to the mens section without being seen browsing women’s jeans though ;). Hey don’t get me wrong, it’s no big deal, and most of the time it’s obvious, but every now and then I walk into a shop and I’m not even sure if they HAVE mens clothes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222.md?page=3)