# Commonplace situations in which you don't know how to act. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 16, 2011, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222 "2011-07-16T04:56:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/41 "2011-07-18T21:36:15Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > Being thanked for my service. What am I supposed to say back? > > **“You’re welcome.”** > “No problem.” > “Any time.” > “I did it for the money.” > “I did it with you in mind.” > “I didn’t even consider you when I made that decision.” > > Those all sound stupid. That’s how most people respond to the phrase “thank you.” ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/42 "2011-07-19T01:16:19Z")
> [@RadicalPi](#): > > Not always of course, but unless you’re asking for the finest French wines in a dive bar, no one will think anything of it if you ask for something they don’t have. To stave off discomfort, it might help to ask if they have something if you are unsure if they have it. Or ask the bartender to recommend something for you. “What’s the best beer you got on tap?” for example. Yeah, my usual technique when that happens is to say “okay, no problem” and have a backup drink in mind–something simple, like a rum and coke–that I’m pretty sure any bar can make. Asking for suggestions is a good idea, though. I have also had bartenders ask if I wanted them to make similar drinks when they couldn’t make me the one I wanted. I tried getting a White Russian at a wedding once, only to be told that they didn’t have cream, so they made me an Iron Butterfly instead. Oh, and **kittenblue** , I have the same discomfort with paying too, but as for the purse thing, I just slip the strap over my leg as I’m sitting. Your purse is out of the way, but fairly well secured. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Downtown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mr\_Downtown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Downtown)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/43 "2011-07-19T02:23:55Z")
I don’t have any trouble ordering a drink, but then what does one do in a bar? I mean, besides gradually ingesting the liquid. ---
**Author:** ![Elret](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Elret](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elret)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/44 "2011-07-19T11:40:27Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Sounds like most of the people in this thread bewildered about how to act in particular situations are afraid to ask salespeople, strangers, other parents, etc. simple questions, which would clear up a significant amount of bewilderment. In my case regarding the playdates, I’m not scared of asking a question to clear things up, I just can’t figure out what the question should be, you know? If you have a suggestion, I’d love it! ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/45 "2011-07-19T11:48:49Z")
I quite like the trend in androgynous jeans (jeans aren’t particularly gendered, anyway). ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/46 "2011-07-19T12:32:44Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > Yeah that’s my last resort. I prefer to be able to go straight to the mens section without being seen browsing women’s jeans though ;). Hey don’t get me wrong, it’s no big deal, and most of the time it’s obvious, but every now and then I walk into a shop and I’m not even sure if they HAVE mens clothes. I can think of at least two of the major “low-cost” department stores here that are like that; I walk in and think “Oh, silly me, I forgot that men apparently aren’t allowed to shop here anymore”. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/47 "2011-07-19T12:34:35Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > I don’t know how to react to this OP. I don’t know how to react to your reaction. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/48 "2011-07-19T13:06:01Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > This happens enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don’t know how “commonplace” this is. > > Being complimented on a personal attribute (looks, intelligence, etc.) in the company of another person of the same gender. Like, say you’re a woman and you often interact with another woman coworker. > > So the two of you are in the breakroom, talking about something trivial. A flirtatious guy comes in and says to you, “You know, you’re a very elegant person. Very classy and intelligent. I just wanted to tell you that.” But he has nothing to say to the other woman. And this happens on a regular basis, where this particular guy will compliment you and not the other person who’s standing right next to you. > > What do you do? Say, “Thanks! I think so-and-so over here is pretty cool too”? Do you just ignore the snub and hope that the other woman’s feelings aren’t hurt? I would rather not be complimented at all in this situation. It’s awkward and weird. You smile and say “Thank you,” graciously, first. Then, when he leaves, you turn to your female friend and say something like, “Where did that come from?” Or “How nice! Well, that made my day.” Something simple and low-key. It’s rude to question compliments or not say thank you properly. I go through the parental question a lot, too. My friends know, everyone else just gets a non-comittal answer. Having moved a hundred times (slightly exaggerated) i have been the outsider too many times to count. I hate this feeling. People are so clique-y. I’m unsure about bars, too. It’s easy to say that every bartender should know drinks, but I’ve had to instruct tenders on what goes in a drink such as a grasshopper, which I don’t think is terribly unusual, so I generally settle for Kahula and milk. They only know like three mixed drinks. I blame the beer drinkers. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/49 "2011-07-19T13:06:10Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > This would be most social situations, for me. +1 I suffer from near crippling shyness in real life and I have to rely on tricks I’ve taught myself to force myself to repond the correct way socially. But they aren’t my nature and they don’t kick in instantly. Sometimes I’ll pass someone in a crowed place that I know or recognize and I’ll not respond/shut down because “they couldn’t posibly be here” or “that’s not Fred” or “I don’t remember their first name & can’t say hi until I do”. Unfortunately, this makes me a jerk. OK, even more of a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/50 "2011-07-19T13:14:41Z")
> [@SecondJudith](#): > > I quite like the trend in androgynous jeans (jeans aren’t particularly gendered, anyway). Since when, she asked as she pondered the shape of her ass and mentally compared it to a man’s. ---
**Author:** ![KinkiNipponTourist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e9bcb4/32.png) [@KinkiNipponTourist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KinkiNipponTourist)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/51 "2011-07-19T13:29:22Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > This happens enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don’t know how “commonplace” this is. > > Being complimented on a personal attribute (looks, intelligence, etc.) in the company of another person of the same gender. Like, say you’re a woman and you often interact with another woman coworker. > > So the two of you are in the breakroom, talking about something trivial. A flirtatious guy comes in and says to you, “You know, you’re a very elegant person. Very classy and intelligent. I just wanted to tell you that.” But he has nothing to say to the other woman. And this happens on a regular basis, where this particular guy will compliment you and not the other person who’s standing right next to you. > > What do you do? Say, “Thanks! I think so-and-so over here is pretty cool too”? Do you just ignore the snub and hope that the other woman’s feelings aren’t hurt? I would rather not be complimented at all in this situation. It’s awkward and weird. I agree, that seems awkward and weird. But passing along the compliment would feel worse to me: like everyone in the room knows the other woman isn’t classy/elegant, but you’re reminding Mr. Subtle over there of his omission. In the highly unlikely chance someone were to compliment me on classiness/elegance, regardless of whether I was alone or with another, my response would be, “Hey thanks! Even with the spinach in my teeth? Yer a good fella” or something. Not that that’s the best response either, but if his compliments are awkward and weird like that, then I’d be comfortable just dismissing them outright. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/52 "2011-07-19T16:49:55Z")
I can’t imagine such a thing ever happening to me; nor have I, The Ugly Stupid One, ever sat by, despondent, while some no-boundaries doofus slobbered all over my companion. Confronted with such crass behavior, the only proper response is for her to say, “…uh, thanks?”, turn away, and continue the conversation with her friend while making with an eye-roll. Such behavior from that guy is inappropriate and insulting and shouldn’t be rewarded or encouraged. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/53 "2011-07-19T17:29:33Z")
> [@Mr\_Downtown](#): > > I don’t have any trouble ordering a drink, but then what does one do in a bar? I mean, besides gradually ingesting the liquid. Depends on the bar. A Friendly Neighbourhood Watering Hole will probably have a TV showing a game, or sports highlights of the day; and will often have a newspaper or two–I’ve been known to read the paper and/or do the crossword when the game gets dull. Or, if you’re sitting at the bar, you could talk to the others who are doing the same. Once again, the TV gives you a good intro: “Didja see that play? Man, Smith really screwed up on that one!” Or there may be video or pinball games to play. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/54 "2011-07-19T23:38:10Z")
> [@Elret](#): > > So when a mom tells me their kid would like to have my kid over to play (ALWAYS worded this way - “Susie would like to have Betsy over for a playdate next Tuesday”) I never have any clue if I’m supposed to stay, or just drop her off, or what. And I have no idea how to ask, either, because no matter what it seems to turn into an awkward nobody-wants-to-offend-anyone dance - If I come out and ask if they want me to stay, they are bound to tell me it’s up to me, regardless of what their original intentions were, leaving me with the possibility of either staying when they really would have preferred to not have to entertain a grown-up, or not staying and snubbing what may have been a perfectly welcome social invitation for myself as well as my kid. I’d probably say, “Are you more comfortable with my staying with her while she’s there or just dropping her off? I’m fine either way.” That way, they can phrase the reply without being at all slighting: “Oh, please do stay! We’ll have coffee” or “Oh, you can just drop her off and have some free time!” or the like. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/55 "2011-07-19T23:50:59Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > I can’t imagine such a thing ever happening to me; nor have I, The Ugly Stupid One, ever sat by, despondent, while some no-boundaries doofus slobbered all over my companion. Confronted with such crass behavior, the only proper response is for her to say, “…uh, thanks?”, turn away, and continue the conversation with her friend while making with an eye-roll. Such behavior from that guy is inappropriate and insulting and shouldn’t be rewarded or encouraged. I usually say “thanks” but then add a self-deprecating comment to make the situation less awkward for me and potentially for my coworker. The thing is is that this guy is thirty years older than I am (creeepy!) and one of those types who apologizes for some mysterious sin on the off chance you don’t flash him a Louis Armstrong smile when you look in his direction. He’s a “Did I do something to make you angry? I’m SO sorry!!!” man. So I can’t see how I can fix this behavior without it being a big annoying to-do. (I cannot wait for dude to retire already.) Maybe I’m just overthinking this and it’s no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2011, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/56 "2011-07-21T07:29:41Z")
\*Small talk. I can’t do small talk at all. This ties in to \*picking up women in bars. I’ve never done such a thing, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin. All I’d be able to hear in the background would be David Attenborough narrating… “Today we observe the human male in rutting season. Typically males and females of the species congregate near watering holes, drinking poisons as a show of strength. Now, the male sees a potential mate. Listen as he attempts the mating ritual song…” hey babee… hey babee… “The poor fellow’s struck out. No breeding for this old chap today” ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2011, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/57 "2011-07-21T08:25:07Z")
Ditto on navigating men’s/women’s clothing. I have often encountered stores where the first-order division of merchandise was not by gender but by type of clothing (e.g. racks of women’s anoraks then racks of mens, stacks of women’s jeans then stacks of men’s), and the information displayed often prominently mentioned material, brands etc. but not intended gender. I have even pawed through the ‘sensible’ kind of women’s underpants before finding the men’s. Something I don’t find myself dealing well with in general is when people don’t do what I expect under the circumstances, and I’d have to break the rules myself to deal properly with it. For example: (A) I sit at a four-person table with persons A, B, and C, being person D myself. I ordered X-soup as a first course, the others something else. Waitress comes carrying my X-soup and asks A: ‘Is the X-soup for you?’. A answers ‘No’. Waitress asks B ‘Is the X-soup for you?’. B answers ‘No’. Waitress asks C ‘Did you order the X-soup, then?’. C demurs. Waitress leaves with the soup, because she did not ask ‘Who ordered the X-soup’; I could not answer her previous questions because they were not addressed to me, and I could not tell her that I ordered it because after talking to A, B and C she immediately left without leaving me a time window to speak up without interrupting someone. (B) When people stand in the way where I need to go through I just ask them to let me through. But with two people standing in the way, talking animatedly without a second’s pause, I am stumped - I’d have to be rude myself, interrupting them. © Something I have spent a total of some weeks of my life with: at the end of a meal in a restaurant, asking the waiter for a coffee and the bill. Coffee arrives, but no bill. I try to ask for the bill, sometimes for hours, in increasing fury, but waiters walk around the restaurant avoiding eye contact - they look everywhere but at me, and I’d feel ridiculous addressing the back of their head. Finally waiter says they close now, and they are afraid I’ll have to settle now. I pay, including a tip (conforming to social norms), and emerge from the restaurant like a cannonball in hopes of catching the last bus, or making the cinema screening I had pre-purchased a ticket for. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2011, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/58 "2011-07-21T10:57:10Z")
> [@Mops](#): > > (A) I sit at a four-person table with persons A, B, and C, being person D myself. I ordered X-soup as a first course, the others something else. > Waitress comes carrying my X-soup and asks A: ‘Is the X-soup for you?’. A answers ‘No’. Waitress asks B ‘Is the X-soup for you?’. B answers ‘No’. Waitress asks C ‘Did you order the X-soup, then?’. C demurs. > Waitress leaves with the soup, because she did not ask ‘Who ordered the X-soup’; I could not answer her previous questions because they were not addressed to me, and I could not tell her that I ordered it because after talking to A, B and C she immediately left without leaving me a time window to speak up without interrupting someone. The correct response here is, when A answers ‘No,’ is to say, ‘I ordered the soup.’ As much as I find your behaviour bizarre, I’m also bewildered by your fellow diners, who should surely indicate that it was you who ordered the soup. > [@Mops](#): > > (B) When people stand in the way where I need to go through I just ask them to let me through. But with two people standing in the way, talking animatedly without a second’s pause, I am stumped - I’d have to be rude myself, interrupting them. There are degrees of rudeness. In this instance, I would say it’s more rude to block a thoroughfare than it is to interrupt the two people talking. So I would say ‘Excuse me, can I get through please’ in a fairly loud yet friendly tone of voice. > [@Mops](#): > > (C) Something I have spent a total of some weeks of my life with: at the end of a meal in a restaurant, asking the waiter for a coffee and the bill. Coffee arrives, but no bill. I try to ask for the bill, sometimes for hours, in increasing fury, but waiters walk around the restaurant avoiding eye contact - they look everywhere but at me, and I’d feel ridiculous addressing the back of their head. Finally waiter says they close now, and they are afraid I’ll have to settle now. I pay, including a tip (conforming to social norms), and emerge from the restaurant like a cannonball in hopes of catching the last bus, or making the cinema screening I had pre-purchased a ticket for. You seriously wait **hours** to get your bill? :eek: I’ll agree this can be a tricky thing, but to wait an hour or more is ridiculous! If I can’t find my own server, I will flag down any server passing (by raising my hand, making eye contact, and saying ‘Excuse me, could I have the bill please’). If the bill is still not forthcoming after a period of time, I will go and stand by the till if there is one and pay there. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/59 "2011-07-22T01:23:42Z")
> [@Mops](#): > > Something I have spent a total of some weeks of my life with: at the end of a meal in a restaurant, asking the waiter for a coffee and the bill. Coffee arrives, but no bill. I try to ask for the bill, sometimes for hours, in increasing fury, but waiters walk around the restaurant avoiding eye contact - they look everywhere but at me, and I’d feel ridiculous addressing the back of their head. Finally waiter says they close now, and they are afraid I’ll have to settle now. I pay, including a tip (conforming to social norms), and emerge from the restaurant like a cannonball in hopes of catching the last bus, or making the cinema screening I had pre-purchased a ticket for. Og YES!! Many is the time I wish I brought a flare gun with me so I could get the attention of the waiter, pay my bill an get the frack on with my life. I’ve see this happen at restaurants that were swampped. Dude, you wnt to turn the table around to the next customer, and I want to pay - can we make this happen? When my kids were toddlers, and bailing out of a restauant might have to happen in microseconds - I aked for the check to be brought with my order. I don’t have to do that any more. Restaurants seem to be better these days about bringing and collecting the bill. When they fail I walk up to the servers station. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2011, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222/60 "2011-07-22T01:38:49Z")
I don’t get what the problem is. If necessary, I will get up, walk over and talk into someone’s face to get a bill if conventional ways don’t work. They are the people who should be embarrassed by the incident, not you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/commonplace-situations-in-which-you-dont-know-how-to-act/589222.md?page=4)