… passed out in bed and woke up at 5 a.m. painted with layer upon layer of my own stinking, ice-cold vomit.
Mmmmm, smack smack, good times.
I was once so drunk that I thought Clint Eastwood (as one of his Leone trilogy characters) was always walking right behind me and was my personal guardian angel.
Three guys wanted to fight me, for some reason, but I wasn’t afraid as I had Clint backing me up.
I proclaimed that I would fight one of them while sitting down and Clint could fight the other two at once.
I sat down with a big grin just knowing that Clint would do the business.
The guys gave me a strange look and just left me sitting there!
I punched a guy because he pissed me off three times. The first two times, he walked in on me in the bathroom. The first time he did it, I told him that the door did not have a lock and that it would be much appreciated if he would knock the next time. An hour or two later, he walked in on me again. This time, I was angry and told him that if he fucked with me one more time that night, he would regret it. So, my husband (then-boyfriend) and I were getting ready to leave the party and I was sitting down on the couch to put my boots on (because standing and putting on my boots would have been impossible at this point). The same guy from the bathroom incidents suddenly flew across the room and landed right in my lap. He bounced up, not knowing what I was going to do next. I got up, turned around, and punched him. He flew back and cracked my friend’s window, then got up, rubbed his jaw, and slinked away. I offered to pay to replace the window, but my friend said no, it was worth every penny to see me hit the jerk.
Of course, I’ve done many, many more stupid things while drunk. This one is just the most fun to tell.
…woke up in a tree.
…gave an impromptu song and dance performance of Madonna’s “Holiday”.
[Forrest Gump] And that’s…all I have to say about that. [/Forrest Gump]
…passed out in the bathroom with my head near the toilet.
…tried anal sex.
…puked up Ramen noodles in the bar. Not the bathroom of the bar. The bar.
…put an emptied-out watermelon on my head, which had previously contained Everclear and assorted fruits.
…had sex with my boyfriend in the bathroom of a bar.
…was kicked out of two bars in one week.
Ah, to be in my 20s again. ::sigh::
…pissed on a cop car at Mardi Gras–and GOT AWAY WITH IT!
If you’ve never been to Mardi Gras, it’s tough to find a place to pee, and the cops tend to frown on public urination due to the understandable problems a million I. P. Freelys would cause. Also, during Mardi Gras, cops have so much to do that they frequently take a real hands-on approach to keeping order. My three sheets were three sheets to the wind, and I had to go RIGHT THEN! I found what I thought was an out-of-the-way spot and let ‘er rip. As my eyes slowly came into focus, I realized my target was an empty police cruiser. But there was nothing I could do, as I was in mid-stream. As soon as I finished I got the fuck out of there in a big hurry. Had I been caught…well, there’s not telling what man-sized justice New Orleans’ finest would have (justifibly) meted out to yours truly.
Amen, brother!
I’ll second that, after absinthe it’s the vilest tasting substance one can consume.
Is chunks the name of your dog by any chance? 
…threw 100 chicken wings, one at a time, in, at and around a St. Louis Police cruiser from the balcony of Muddy Waters.
…met some friends in Downtown Chicago for a hotel party with my trusty bottle of Southern Comfort at 8pm on a Friday night…
…Woke up at 4 am in the hot tub of a motel 6 in Kokomo Indiana in my underwear. I don’t know to this day how I got there. Bonus? No hangover. I loves me some SoCo.
Oh christ where to begin…
I guess the worst was passing out face first on a piss covered bar bathroom floor in my own vomit. Four friends each took a limb and carried me 10 blocks home like a sack. I was hung over for 3 days.
Cisco is called “liquid crack” for a reason.
One time I was so drunk I punched a guy in the face for trying to bathroom sex me against my will. I had never punched anyone before and a bunch of things got mixed up in my head. One was to keep my thumb on the outside which my grade 5 art teacher told me. One was to try to punch the back of his head through his face which some kid told me. One was to throw from the shoulder and another had something to do with a golf swing my dad taught me and the result was that he went flying across the room and wound up with a broken nose. Then the next Monday at school I was expecting to have a new reputation as the toughest girl in the world but the rumour that came back to me, of course, was that I had broken his nose with my vagina due to being such an aggressive lay. 
pokey, you had a much better reason for punching a guy in the face than I did. Good for you for letting him have it!
. . . lost my virginity.
Luckily I lost it to a friend (in some chick’s living room, while our other friend was upstairs banging said chick), so I was able to get all of the details the next day. I remembered the losing my virginity part, but didn’t remember some parts that led up to it or how I’d gotten home. Apparently there had been an entire party at one point, which I also didn’t remember. That’s what pitchers of Kool-Aid & grain will get ya. My friend was very cool about it afterwards, and I only got teased by our “group” for a little while – which I totally deserved.
Now I kinda miss those guys.
Slipped underwater in a hot tub with a cigar in my mouth, then failed to understand why it wouldn’t light later. As i submerged, I heard one voice say “is he ok?”, and the other said “yeah, he’ll be back up, he’s got a beer here”.
Then rode home with the soberest choice I had, a high school principal wearing white jockeys and a belt.
A la Marge Simpson, “I’m so fu*&*ng embarrassed.”
I let a girl kiss me when we were both ten sheets to the wind. The “three” sheets had come and gone many hours before, thanks to the Everclear. :rolleyes:
Said kiss took place in front of about fifty drunken pals at a house party - on a dare. :o
And yes, there was tongue. Not church tongue, either. :rolleyes:
Blew major chunks in a friend’s car. But at least I paid her to have it cleaned. She always looked at me with the fish eyes anytime we all went out drinking after that.
Sang “Tiny Bubbles” at top volume at a party. I don’t know why.
Threw my high-heeled sandal at some guy who made a wisecrack to me.
Had a contest with equally drunk friends to see who could come up with the most words rhyming with “f**k”.
Was starving when I got back to my apartment one night after being dropped off by the only sober friend in the bunch. Ate a whole can of tuna in oil straight from the can. Well, I was going to blow chunks anyway.
One night after some particularly heavy partying, our friend’s car wouldn’t start. It was two in the morning and we were stranded. Three guys coming out of the club offered us a ride home in one of the guy’s monster truck. We accepted. :eek:
I pit my 120 pounds against a friendly 250-pounder in a game of quarters. I lost, miserably.
…attempted to climb up the back of a movie police car.
After the New Smyrna Beach Seafood Festival and a lot of drinking the police were slowly trolling the crowded main street to signal “party’s over, go home”.
I apparently told my friends “I’m gonna climb on top of that car” and ran for it.
They said they pulled me off as my first foot was on the rear bumper and I was raising the other foot.
Of course the next day all I remembered was saying I was going to do it as a joke but not really following through with it. My friends assured me that I had every intention on going through with it.
make that a “moving” police car
I once launched a bazooka puke (projectile vomit) squarely onto my girlfriend’s cat, covering the poor beast with beer, wine, vodka, and pizza. It was a scene straight out of Monty Python’s “Meaning of Life”'s Mr. Creosote scene.
The only time in my life I ever got drunk, I got bucked off of a horse and landed on top of a cactus. I’ve never taken a drink since.
If I had a nickle…
Here are 2 of my many tales.
I went to a wine and cheese party. I consumed about 2 bottles of red wine and quite a bit of weird cheese. After we were done with the wine we started playing “Drinking Jenga”. If you tumble the tower the other people make you a shot. I had three quick shots and had to go home. So my buddy gave me a ride and we were almost home then I had to blow chunks (literally!). I tried to get the door open but didn’t quite make it. So I told him to bring the car by the next day and I would clean it. On his way home, he had to pull over because of the stench. Then he puked! The next day he cleaned the car out and I guess the pocket at the bottom of the door was full of red wine and cheese chunk vomit! Man I owed him (especially because it was his sisters car!).
Another time it was my first corporate Christmas party. There were about 200 of my co-workers and their spouses there. I started drinking Scotch on the rocks. People were buying me them left and right. I had consumed ~20 of them (plus a couple of glasses of red wine with dinner). At one point my tumbler glass had broke and I was drinking the last part of my drink and straining the broken glass with my teeth. Then to top it off my manager (who was a little overweight) won a golf shirt as a door prize. As he was going to pick it up I yelled out “You don’t need that FAT BOY!!!”. Needless to say a few people escorted me out to get a cab and go home! That was the first time I had ever puked my guts out that night, and then again the next morning. I thought it was a career limiting manouver, but that was 7 years ago!
MtM