# Compliments vs. Flattery **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 20, 2011, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882 "2011-12-20T20:51:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882/1 "2011-12-20T20:51:18Z")
I’m curious, what is the main difference between compliments and flattery? When does a compliment turn to flattery? I’m curious because I know someone who (since I met them) has SLATHERED the feel-goods on me (beautiful, smart, you name it - and a lot of it), I mean, dripping with compliments. To this day (10 years later), it’s not quite as “dripping”, but I will still hear (what I feel to be misaligned/unwarranted) compliments. I have questioned the sincerity for a long time, but the feel-good words keep on coming, and I always wonder if it’s to keep me happy. I don’t even say “thank you” anymore because I really wonder if it’s said with truth. Maybe I am just a curmudgeon? ---
**Author:** ![Toucanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Toucanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toucanna)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882/2 "2011-12-20T20:56:27Z")
No answer to your main question, just an observation. Your flatterer may be buttering you up so s/he can manipulate/use you later. You might want to learn about how psychopaths operate to see if you’ve been targeted by one. Best of luck! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882/3 "2011-12-20T21:03:45Z")
It could be manipulation, or a show of affection, or begging for approval, or it could be geniune. If it’s slathered on so thickly for so long, I’d bet that it’s begging for approval. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882/4 "2011-12-20T21:06:59Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > I’m curious, what is the main difference between compliments and flattery? When does a compliment turn to flattery? Flattery = compliments given with ulterior motives. > [@](#): > > I’m curious because I know someone who (since I met them) has SLATHERED the feel-goods on me (beautiful, smart, you name it - and a lot of it), I mean, dripping with compliments. To this day (10 years later), it’s not quite as “dripping”, but I will still hear (what I feel to be misaligned/unwarranted) compliments. I have questioned the sincerity for a long time, but the feel-good words keep on coming, and I always wonder if it’s to keep me happy. I don’t even say “thank you” anymore because I really wonder if it’s said with truth. Does this person treat everyone else the same way, or just you? Are they liberal with praise in general, even when they have nothing to gain? (e.g. “I just LOVED that new movie; it was WONDERFUL.”) ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882/5 "2011-12-20T21:28:32Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Flattery = compliments given with ulterior motives. > > Does this person treat everyone else the same way, or just you? Are they liberal with praise in general, even when they have nothing to gain? (e.g. “I just LOVED that new movie; it was WONDERFUL.”) No, he does not over-compliment other people/things in that manner (at least, not in my presence). Since I met him, my friends were very wary of him, he would tell them over and over how wonderful I was, and they felt funny about it… and expressed it to me as well. Of course, when I was not around, he must have done it, since I had numerous friends tell me he came on to them (of course, he completely denied this). That was years ago… ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882/6 "2011-12-20T21:41:17Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Flattery = compliments given with ulterior motives. Concur. Flattery is a compliment given as an investment with an eye toward a future return. Related wisdom: \*Tactics \*is bringing a girl flowers on your date. \*Strategy \*is sending her flowers three days before your date. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/compliments-vs-flattery/606882/7 "2011-12-20T22:47:01Z")
I would be very uncomfortable with someone who was constantly over-complimenting me. I mean, when I put on a nice outfit and do my make-up and stuff, say I look good, that’s fine, but complimenting everything, all the time? I’d always be wondering what they were after. I agree that flattery is compliments with an ulterior motive, and I don’t think I could continue a friendship that seemed to be so basically dishonest.