# condolences etiquette **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 29, 2006, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459 "2006-03-29T20:31:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/1 "2006-03-29T20:31:02Z")
I was googling long lost friends last night and I happened on a 4 year old death notice for a former friend’s father. The friend and I were pretty close and his dad and I got along nicely. My heart broke a little when I read the notice, and I wonder if it is appropriate, four years later, to send a card? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/2 "2006-03-29T20:45:23Z")
I dunno about a card – but a nice handwritten note saying “I just heard, and am so sorry to learn of his death” would probably be most welcome. A personal memory or something specific is always nice in a condolence note. Your friend will probably be comforted to know his dad hasn’t been forgotten. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/3 "2006-03-29T21:27:52Z")
Ditto. It’s very comforting to know that someone you loved is remembered by others. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/4 "2006-03-29T21:31:39Z")
I would send a “how have you been?/let’s catch up” letter and in it mention that you learned his father died. Rather than condolences per se I personally would probably say “I always enjoyed his company… one of my favorite memories of him is when…”. But it’s never too late to express condolence. One of the older staff members where I work now was a student of my father almost 50 years ago and expressed condolence upon learning last year that my father died… in 1982. I appreciated the sentiment. ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/5 "2006-03-29T21:49:20Z")
I’ll chime in with another vote to send the condolence card, and then add all that good stuff **Sampiro** mentions. You might want to include your phone number or e-mail addy if you’re all right with that. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2006, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/6 "2006-03-29T23:33:44Z")
Just chiming in to say also that it’s never to late to offer condolences. I say go with a nice handwritten note or letter. I got a nice note from an old friend recently who had just learned of my father’s death two years ago and my brother’s death four years ago. It was just nice, not to only hear from an old friend I’d lost contact with but also to get a nice note of condolence along with a couple of cherished memories of dad and my brother he shared in the note. Believe me **Rosie** your friend will greatly appreciate hearing from you. ---
**Author:** ![CBCD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@CBCD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CBCD)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2006, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/7 "2006-03-30T15:26:03Z")
How about a phone call? ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2006, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/condolences-etiquette/350459/8 "2006-03-30T23:55:48Z")
I was hesitant about a phone call because I wasn’t sure the address Goggle provided was actually my friend’s - could have merely been a namesake. But I did call, and got voice mail, and immediately (after 30 years!) recognized his voice. So I left a message offering my sympathy and contact info, and I’ll leave it up to him to call or email me. He may not want to dredge up the past. Some people like to forget high school.