# Confessing infidelity (lousy advice from Prudie dept.) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 19, 2011, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203 "2011-01-19T15:30:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2011, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/181 "2011-01-26T16:36:16Z")
My first husband cheated about six weeks after we got married. He told me about it almost immediately, cried and begged forgiveness. I was more angry that he told me than I was at the one-night (rather, one hour) stand. Really – what was the point? If it’s a one time thing and you’re sorry and you don’t intend to do it again, **keep it to yourself**. We were married for 27 years before he died, and while I never threw it up to him, I never forgot about it, that he cared so little about my feelings that he’d tell me about a meaningless sexual encounter. ETA: I wonder how many confessions truly come from guilt/wanting to be honest, etc. I suspect more than a few are from people who are saying “Hey, look! I’m attractive to someone else. You’d better appreciate me”. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/182 "2011-01-26T16:52:58Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Whoa, where the hell are you getting that? I said that if my _partner_ is unfaithful, I would be unlikely to trust him/her again. I’m not sure why you assume that I’m a cheater. I wouldn’t, I haven’t, even when presented with the opportunity in the past. I thought that was self-evident from the whole “I don’t deliberately hurt people I care about” conversation. (And no, I still don’t find it particularly “exceptional.”) > > That’s been the whole point of what I’m saying. I don’t want my partner to cheat in the first place (as there are plenty of honest options if s/he MUST get booty elsewhere). But if s/he does, s/he damn well better respect me enough to be honest with me after the fact if not before. I’d like the option of knowing who I’m really with, and the option of deciding for myself if this is something I’m willing to live with. I don’t want to be with someone who unilaterally decides to deny me my agency. I don’t want to be with someone who holds me in such contempt that s/he won’t be honest with me. That contempt will poison our relationship whether I know about it or not. I know you aren’t a cheater. But you are convinced that if you cheated, you would cheat again. Or that someone who does cheat, would cheat again. And that there are no mistakes or accidents or errors in judgment - your position has read to me as being fairly absolute. Cheaters cheat. This is not “would you trust your spouse” - this is “if you cheat, should you confess.” So, if YOU cheat, you shouldn’t bother to confess, since you’ve already decided its a failure condition - cheaters are disrespectful of their spouse by defintion, and likely to repeat the offense. If your spouse cheats, they should confess, but its a failure condition for you since why would you remain married to someone who is purposely hurtful and disrespectful and likely to repeat the offense. For me, if I’m the cheating spouse (I’m not), I’d have to look at the conditions. If it was a reprocussionless one time thing, I wouldn’t confess and put my spouse through the hurt. Reprocussionless is one of the terms of this exercise. I don’t believe that cheating is necessarily a failure condition, but I also don’t believe that I need to give my spouse unnecessary pain unless disclosure is warranted. If I’ve been cheated on by my spouse, I want him to run the same exercise. If its a reprocussionless “error in judgment” that he is unlikely to repeat, I don’t want the hurt or to strain our relatively happy and secure marriage with doubt. Again, I don’t want my spouse to give me unnecessary pain unless the disclosure is warranted. Is there a chance spouse has an STD or has conceived a child? Maybe, in which case I’ll find out eventually and confession needs to occur - but that is part of the risk analysis done when considering the action taken. If its a fairly low risk, no. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2011, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/183 "2011-01-27T00:04:17Z")
Wow. Kindly stop putting words in my mouth, thanks. At no point was I discussing myself as a potential cheater. It’s not a part of my character to cheat. Obviously, for those who do cheat, it is a part of their character. The question directed at me, that I was answering, was why I’d not deal with Prudie’s supplicant as though I expected her to reform. Which I’ve already answered. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2011, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/184 "2011-01-27T03:25:05Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > No argument with the serious harm to the marriage part, but why would it “destroy” you? nm Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2011, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/185 "2011-01-27T03:34:04Z")
> [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](#): > > As a follow-up, I’m relatively sure that I could forgive an isolated incident, given my spouse was forthright and remorseful, but it would be much more difficult if I knew he actively deceived me after the fact. > > IMHO, people make mistakes; often very serious ones. But the important thing is that they learn from poor choices and the consequences mistakes like that can have. Your actions can hurt people, whether you mean them to or not. I believe my marriage would be stronger by overcoming a serious mistake like that as a couple. I think I would respect my spouse more for a) choosing honesty and openness over self-flagellation with guilt and b) having the respect for me that I’d handle it with maturity, whatever the outcome. I would bet a dollar to a donut that one of the mistakes that people draw a lesson from is that confessing is stupid! I am willing to bet that if you can’t forgive a lying cheater, you can’t forgive a confessing cheater, either. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2011, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/186 "2011-01-27T03:37:45Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > ETA: I wonder how many confessions truly come from guilt/wanting to be honest, etc. I suspect more than a few are from people who are saying “Hey, look! I’m attractive to someone else. You’d better appreciate me”. This has always been my thought. I am reminded of Tom Cruise in “The Firm” when he told his wife that he had cheated. She said, “Why did you tell me?” He said “I wanted you to know.” Strange, but…strange. Even from Tom Cruise. Best wishes, hh [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203.md?page=9)