# Confessing infidelity (lousy advice from Prudie dept.) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 19, 2011, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203 "2011-01-19T15:30:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/41 "2011-01-19T20:01:18Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Anyone who thinks resolving something as seriously damaging as cheating is that easy is – to put it as nicely as I can – extremely naive. (And self-serving.) Welcome to the human race. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/42 "2011-01-19T20:05:19Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I just don’t get why the other spouse doesn’t need to know so they can decided whether to put up with that or whether to leave at any point. > > I mean sure, if someone says, “Honey, if you have a one-night stand don’t tell me,” then fine, don’t tell them. I wouldn’t marry that person because I’m not comfortable in that scenario, but other people can choose to have different marriages. > > For me, if I cheated and I knew my spouse would no longer love me if he knew, well, the truth is that my spouse doesn’t love _me_. He loves a fiction. It isn’t an issue of whether he’d still love you. It’s more a matter of he’s got the vision running through his head of you having sex with another man, and that vision is causing him great pain _because_ he loves you. You can be honest with him, but if he loves you, the cost will be a great deal of pain for him whether he stays or goes. If he doesn’t give a good goddamn about you, he’ll just dump you or cheat on you in return or whatever, and it won’t hurt him in the least. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/43 "2011-01-19T20:08:23Z")
> [@CPomeroy](#): > > Just out of curiousity, how common do people think it is for someone to cheat exactly one time? I think it is rare and that people tend to either cheat or not cheat. Therefore, if I was the cheater I would not confess and if I was the cheatee, I would want to know so I could end the relationship. That may be reason number 112 why I am not married. I view cheating as a line-crossing event. Some people will cross that line, some people won’t. If someone crosses it once, it reveals very much about the personality of that person. I feel they are very likely to cheat again. I feel they have the mindset that it’s okay for them to cheat when they feel like cheating. To cross it, they likely had to take several inappropriate steps up to the line. Even if it was a ONS, it didn’t just spontaneously happen that they fell into bed. Likely there was a period of time where they were flirting, touching, talking where each step got them closer. Some people will take that path, some people won’t. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/44 "2011-01-19T20:14:48Z")
If my SO cheated on me and I found out about it, it would be over. End of story. Cheating is a deal breaker. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/45 "2011-01-19T20:19:15Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > I view cheating as a line-crossing event. Some people will cross that line, some people won’t. If someone crosses it once, it reveals very much about the personality of that person. I feel they are very likely to cheat again. I feel they have the mindset that it’s okay for them to cheat when they feel like cheating. Your feelings are interesting, but is there any data backing those feelings up? Is there any data on how P(you’ll cheat multiple times|you’ve cheated once) stacks up against P(you’ll cheat|you got married) ? ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/46 "2011-01-19T20:20:35Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > For me, if I cheated and I knew my spouse would no longer love me if he knew, well, the truth is that my spouse doesn’t love _me_. He loves a fiction. Sure. But everyone who ever loved anyone loves a fiction, in one way or another. My wife thinks I’m handsome. I’m absolutely certain she is misled. I think my wife is faithful. I may be misled - I don’t think I am, but one never knows. But I am happy now, and would be profoundly unhappy if I found out she was unfaithful. Who wins, if she tells me? What benefit to either of us? Nah. If you’re confident that I will never find out in any other way… let it be. I’m OK with a little fiction in my life. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/47 "2011-01-19T20:20:47Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > Cheating is a deal breaker. Of the heart and mind, or just the body? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/48 "2011-01-19T20:22:42Z")
> [@CPomeroy](#): > > Just out of curiousity, how common do people think it is for someone to cheat exactly one time? I think it is rare and that people tend to either cheat or not cheat. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > For me, if I cheated and I knew my spouse would no longer love me if he knew, well, the truth is that my spouse doesn’t love _me_. He loves a fiction. Human beings and human relationships are not so simple. Just speaking from a clinical perspective, infidelity is genetically ingrained into our species. We are built in with an urge to seek sexual novelty. It has helped our species survive and succeed and cheating is responsible for the existence of every single individual human being alive today. Without it, we who are here now would simply not exist. So there is that fundamental urge. There is also a parallel urge to couple. That has also evolved with the human species in the same way that infidelity has. We are genetically paradoxical. We are driven to couple and to cheat. And this paradox is the basis of the most pervasive drama of human existence. From the beginning of storytelling, every story about _people_ is a story about couples and cheating. Just as it is death that creates life, it is infidelity that creates fidelity. One does not exist without the other. It is part of the drama of living as a human being. How these factors play out in any individual or in any specific relationship are complicated. No, it’s not as simple as “anyone who has cheated once will cheat again” and it’s not as simple as “if my spouse doesn’t know every last fact about me then he or she doesn’t actually love me.” Life is not so simple, love is not so simple, people are not so simple. That’s at least part of the reason behind why I might choose to remain ignorant of fleeting, isolated infidelity, provided that there are no other long-term consequences. To survive with some peace of mind, there are something things that are not worth knowing. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/49 "2011-01-19T20:23:23Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Anyone who thinks resolving something as seriously damaging as cheating is that easy is – to put it as nicely as I can – extremely naive. (And self-serving.) > > Word. > > I’ll add that I’ve never known “It was just a one-time thing and it won’t happen again” to be anything but a bald-faced lie. Come on… now who’s being naive? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/50 "2011-01-19T20:24:21Z")
> [@storyteller0910](#): > > Sure. But everyone who ever loved anyone loves a fiction, in one way or another. Quoted for truth. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/51 "2011-01-19T20:24:53Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > If my SO cheated on me and I found out about it, it would be over. End of story. Cheating is a deal breaker. Even if it were ten years ago? And even if in that time you’ve built a beautiful life together? With children who adore you both? And even if you had never known your SO to be anything but loving and respecful to you for that intervening ten years? Hey, your choice, but I don’t think it makes sense if you think about it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/52 "2011-01-19T20:27:49Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > Human beings and human relationships are not so simple. Yeah, they really are. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/53 "2011-01-19T20:33:34Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > And even if you had never **known** your SO to be anything but loving and respecful to you for that intervening ten years? Bolding mine. You don’t show respect for my by lying to me. And it’s funny that you put “known” in there when the whole point is what the spouse knows and doesn’t know. Look, it sounds like there are plenty of people who would rather not know and there are plenty who would rather not tell. As long as people establish up front what they want and what they’ll do, I don’t care. As I said upthread, I wouldn’t likely have a relationship with someone who wouldn’t want to know, and I wouldn’t under any circumstances have a relationship with someone who thinks it’s in my best interest to lie to me. But that’s me and my that’s my life. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/54 "2011-01-19T20:39:12Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > …I wouldn’t under any circumstances have a relationship with someone who thinks it’s in my best interest to lie to me. I am absolutely not trying to be provocative when I ask this, but: _how can you know this?_ At most, you can say that you wouldn’t under any circumstances have a relatioship with someone who _says_ they think it’s in your best interest to lie to you. But someone who thinks it would be in your best interest to lie probably wouldn’t tell you that they did, would they? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/55 "2011-01-19T20:44:22Z")
> [@storyteller0910](#): > > I am absolutely not trying to be provocative when I ask this, but: _how can you know this?_ At most, you can say that you wouldn’t under any circumstances have a relatioship with someone who _says_ they think it’s in your best interest to lie to you. But someone who thinks it would be in your best interest to lie probably wouldn’t tell you that they did, would they? I would have thought it obvious I am talking about what I would choose to do. Other people are saying they are okay with being lied to. I am saying that I am not. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/56 "2011-01-19T20:44:32Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > And even if you had never known your SO to be anything but loving and respecful to you for that intervening ten years? Lying by omission for ten years is the opposite of respectful. Let me put it this way: If my partner cheats, and they admit it to me of their own volition, free and clear, my first instinct would be to explore the (admittedly small) chance that we could work things out. If I find out about it on my own, then my first instinct is to immediately launch the ejection seat. If they don’t respect me enough to tell me the truth about one of the foundations of our intimacy, why should I trust the impression that they’ve been _otherwise_ loving and faithful for the remainder of our relationship. It’s not like the letter writer in the column cited any motives that were particularly unique - she felt lonely because her otherwise completely devoted husband was working two jobs to support their new family. On the scale of factors that can strain a relationship, that barely even rates. If they don’t end up facing down something even _more_ wrenching in the future ,they’re probably the luckiest couple in the world. Doesn’t the husband have the right to know how badly his wife behaves when faced with a relatively minor breach in the relationship? ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/57 "2011-01-19T20:50:34Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > Of the heart and mind, or just the body? I haven’t thought about it. I’m just talking about sex. Can you give me some parameters concerning cheating of the heart and mind? Or a definition? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/58 "2011-01-19T20:56:32Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Don’t tell. I don’t want to know, and it’s better for everyone if you don’t tell, IMO. I don’t really believe relationships can patch up well after that; it always stays there. But this only pertains to that one-night stand. It’s a mistake, and you should make amends for it. Making amends doesn’t mean hurting your partner by absolving your own guilt. It means working more on your own relationship and patching it up and fixing it. I agree. I think if you did the do, your responsibility is to be honest with _yourself:_ Are you going to do it again? If yes, then confess and see if your SO can live with that. If no, atone and move on. I think people who believe a single, never-to-be-repeated event should be admitted are underestimating how devastating infidelity can be. I’d be curious to know how many in the “Yes” camp have actually received the news–not that they’ve married a serial cheater, but that their spouse made a bad call one time and isn’t going to do it again. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/59 "2011-01-19T20:56:49Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > Even if it were ten years ago? Yes. > [@](#): > > And even if in that time you’ve built a beautiful life together? With children who adore you both? I wouldn’t be able to trust her. And, at least for me, children are not an option. If they were, I might think differently. But even then, it would be over once they left the home. > [@](#): > > And even if you had never known your SO to be anything but loving and respecful to you for that intervening ten years? It ain’t what I know, it’s what I don’t know. Relationships are founded on trust. I am very clear from the jump what my view on fidelity is. > [@](#): > > Hey, your choice, but I don’t think it makes sense if you think about it. Why does it make sense to stay with someone who has betrayed your trust and lied about it for ten years? ---
**Author:** ![Gus\_Gusterson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/85f322/32.png) [@Gus\_Gusterson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gus_Gusterson)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/60 "2011-01-19T20:57:47Z")
The results of this poll aren’t at all surprising. How many people have cheated on a spouse? More than half, surely. Those people are likely to be in the “Don’t tell the spouse, it will only hurt him/her” camp. People who have never cheated but can imagine doing so are likely to vote that way, too. That leaves a minority of people who will vote the other way. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203.md?page=4)