# Confessing infidelity (lousy advice from Prudie dept.) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 19, 2011, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203 "2011-01-19T15:30:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/121 "2011-01-20T18:19:25Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > Another logical fallacy. Stating that it is irrational to expect fidelity means that as a rational person I should not expect fidelity from others. It has nothing to do with decisions about my own actions. What? You are somehow exempt from this biological imperative? But everyone else isn’t? How does that work? > [@](#): > > Appending “nothing personal” to a personal statement (“You are so disagreeable that I wouldn’t associate with you”) doesn’t make it non-personal. “I choose not to associate with you” is not a personal attack. I don’t find you disagreeable; you’re just not my cup of meat. > [@](#): > > Again, a personal attack. See my first reply, above. I did not realize at the time that you alone were born without the fucking around gene. You have to admit it’s pretty unlikely. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/122 "2011-01-20T18:27:49Z")
Methinks the poll should have a 3rd option. If it is indeed and isolated one time event with “lesson learned and will never get into that kind of situation again” commitment, maybe it’s better to not say anything. If it’s more serial or a result of deep marital dissatisfaction, then being up front should be necessary. But is the confession a mind game or power play? Don’t underestimate the debilitating effects of the breakdown in trust. It’s not black and white by any means, and I think each couple has to have their own answer. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/123 "2011-01-20T18:27:52Z")
\>\>\>See my first reply, above. I did not realize at the time that you alone were born without the fucking around gene. You have to admit it’s pretty unlikely.\<\<\< The fact is, about 50 - 60% of people do cheat at some time in their marriage. This is the common statistic put out by experts on the issue, not something I made up. Simply stating it does not in any way imply that I plan to be one of them or approve of it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/124 "2011-01-20T18:33:37Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > What? You are somehow exempt from this biological imperative? But everyone else isn’t? How does that work? It’s the difference between making rational decisions for oneself on the one hand and judging the decisions of the rest of the world on the other hand. _Being cheated on_ is simply a matter of probability, which is largely not within my control. (Or only to the extent that I choose a partner who is unlikely to be considered attractive by the rest of the world. Conversely, the more attractive my partner is to the rest of the world, the higher the chance that he or she will be subject to opportunities to cheat and thus will be more likely to cheat.) Thus, I should not make decisions based on an expectation that I will never be cheated on. > [@](#): > > “I choose not to associate with you” is not a personal attack. I don’t find you disagreeable; you’re just not my cup of meat. Actually, it’s just about as personal as you can get, especially with regard to someone you only interact with on a message board. > [@](#): > > See my first reply, above. I did not realize at the time that you alone were born without the fucking around gene. You have to admit it’s pretty unlikely. That’s not really relevant. “Fuck around all you want” is a personal attack, unless in your mind fucking around is a laudable characteristic. The topic of this thread isn’t “Would you cheat (or are you cheating) on Contrapuntal and then keep it a secret?” So, I don’t see the need the need for you to make personal statements about the character of participants in the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/125 "2011-01-20T18:36:35Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > The evolution and history of the human race proves you wrong. Fucking around is a basic aspect of our nature and an important tool for survival of the species. Actually, serial monogamy appears to be the norm for homo sapiens. I’ve never found it difficult not to cheat. ---
**Author:** ![Chopper9760](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cdc98d/32.png) [@Chopper9760](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chopper9760)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/126 "2011-01-20T19:28:26Z")
I couldn’t get over infidelity. If my SO cheated on me I would feel extremely inadequate. I don’t think I could live with myself if I stayed with a cheater. I could maybe forgive my SO and _maybe_ rebuild trust but I would have serious pride/self-esteem issues. If it were truly a ONS with no disease/pregnancy consequences, **No, I would not want to know.** That’s a pretty narrow field though. I tend to think the kind of person who cheats once is just a cheater who hasn’t yet been presented with a second opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/127 "2011-01-20T19:46:12Z")
> [@Chopper9760](#): > > That’s a pretty narrow field though. I tend to think the kind of person who cheats once is just a cheater who hasn’t yet been presented with a second opportunity. If you believe that, and you are the cheater, once you cheat, you should let your spouse know you aren’t cut out for marriage and leave - or give them the option of an open marriage. If you are entering into a marriage with that attitude, its probably best to be honest upfront - cheat, and pack your bags, I’ll never trust you again. In both cases, the cheater really doesn’t need to confess, they just need to leave. The marriage is over. Why drag it out with confessions and requests for forgiveness? The innocent partner deserves an explanation, but it isn’t a confession. Its a “I thought I could make this promise and I was wrong. I’m not cut out for marriage.” ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/128 "2011-01-20T20:58:44Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > The evolution and history of the human race proves you wrong. Fucking around is a basic aspect of our nature and an important tool for survival of the species. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar would disagree with you. ---
**Author:** ![Chopper9760](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cdc98d/32.png) [@Chopper9760](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chopper9760)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/129 "2011-01-20T21:03:11Z")
I know it’s not an appealing topic but I can’t imagine being involved with someone in a long-term fashion without having discussed our feelings about infidelity (or wanting to have kids, politics, spending habits, host of other shit). Knowing the way I feel about infidelity, I think my hypothetical SO would know that confessing a **truly one-time** betrayal/indiscretion would be a bad idea. It’s hard to even look at it from the cheater’s prospective. I just can’t imagine being unfaithful. It’s such a violation and it shows an extreme lack of respect for all parties involved. Seriously, why cheat? Talk to your current SO and work shit out. Maybe you fix your relationship, maybe you have a three-way, maybe you grow the fuck up and dump the first one before fucking the next one. The longer I think about this the angrier I get about infidelity. I really hope it doesn’t come up. _plugs ears_ La la la! ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/130 "2011-01-21T01:01:07Z")
> [@Chopper9760](#): > > Knowing the way I feel about infidelity, I think my hypothetical SO would know that confessing a **truly one-time** betrayal/indiscretion would be a bad idea. > > It’s hard to even look at it from the cheater’s prospective. I just can’t imagine being unfaithful. It’s such a violation and it shows an extreme lack of respect for all parties involved. I agree with you, which leads me to the question: why would you prefer to stay in a relationship with someone who has demonstrated they don’t respect you – so much so that you’d even want to remain ignorant of the fact that they don’t respect you just so you **can** stay together? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/131 "2011-01-21T01:06:05Z")
Because he’d rather be happy than right. I’m the opposite. It’s out of principle that I’d want to know. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/132 "2011-01-21T01:49:25Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Which is why its best not to get yourself into the problem of “should I confess or not” to start with. But once it happens, its best to do a careful evaluation of both yourself and your motives, your spouse, and the overall state of your marriage. Yes. > [@Contrapuntal](#): > > It is not irrational to expect people to keep their promises. I submit that you do it yourself dozens of times a day, either explicitly or implicitly. > > At any rate, it is clear that I would never enter into such an understanding with someone like you, should I get to know you well enough to consider it. Some folks think highly enough of their word to actually make an effort to keep it, and not hide behind some bullshit excuse. This is not intended as a judgment; it’s simply that as with folks who smell really bad, or chew with their mouths open, or beat their children or their animals, or lie, cheat and steal, I prefer to avoid their company. Got it. So all 68% of respondents who say a one-time affair in an otherwise committed, long-term relationship need not necessarily be divulged are lying cheats who don’t make an effort to keep their word. ---
**Author:** ![Terraplane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Terraplane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terraplane)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/133 "2011-01-21T03:58:34Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Yes. > > Got it. So all 68% of respondents who say a one-time affair in an otherwise committed, long-term relationship need not necessarily be divulged are lying cheats who don’t make an effort to keep their word. Yes. First, because they are cheats, since they cheated. And second, because they are lying. Maybe they made an effort to keep their word, I don’t know, but the rest is pretty dead on. ---
**Author:** ![Terraplane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Terraplane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terraplane)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/134 "2011-01-21T04:04:55Z")
> [@Terraplane](#): > > Yes. First, because they are cheats, since they cheated. And second, because they are lying. Maybe they made an effort to keep their word, I don’t know, but the rest is pretty dead on. A bit late on my edit, read that as “Yes, if they’ve cheated on their SO.” I don’t think everybody that voted no has cheated. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/135 "2011-01-21T04:21:16Z")
Right, which is why I find **Contrapuntal** ’s sneering to be so ridiculous. There’s this completely unfounded belief that everyone who disagrees with him is a cheater. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life, and I’m sure I’m not the only one among people who share my view. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/136 "2011-01-21T15:02:34Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Right, which is why I find **Contrapuntal** ’s sneering to be so ridiculous. There’s this completely unfounded belief that everyone who disagrees with him is a cheater. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life, and I’m sure I’m not the only one among people who share my view. There may be a bit of projection going on in **Contrapuntal** ’s reasoning, ma’am. If her cheating was a compulsive, recurring thing that a relationship couldn’t survive, she may be assuming that anyone who has ever stumbled will eventually do the same thing. Those of us who have stayed on the straight and narrow may well be able to imagine that we might do something - once - that we’ll horribly regret and never repeat. It’s a matter of perspective. ---
**Author:** ![Chopper9760](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cdc98d/32.png) [@Chopper9760](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chopper9760)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/137 "2011-01-21T16:44:18Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I agree with you, which leads me to the question: why would you prefer to stay in a relationship with someone who has demonstrated they don’t respect you – so much so that you’d even want to remain ignorant of the fact that they don’t respect you just so you **can** stay together? I feel like I have a bit of a prideful personal failing in that I can imagine forgiving a SO felonious or murderous transgressions but infidelity pushes me past the point of no return. The cheater is still the far bigger asshole though. 🙂 Infidelity has cropped up on both sides of my family and I was positively embarrassed when the women in my family stayed with/remarried their husbands. My aunt divorced and lived alone for 5 years. She then told us that it was mostly pride and embarrassment that kept her away from my uncle. She remarried him and they are happier together. My uncle’s an asshole, I think he still fucks other people but I can’t deny that my aunt is happier with him than without him and it’s none of my business if that works for her. So, on the one hand, it’s pretty simple - don’t fuck other people. OTOH, life is complicated. I don’t think Prudie gave bad advice. That lady might go on to cheat again at which point she should take **Dangerosa** ’s advice, grow up, and admit she can’t handle marriage. Maybe it is one of those wildly unlikely one-time situations though and maybe that lady will stay happily married in which case the secret was better kept. If it was truly one mistake, I would rather be ignorant and happy than ruin an otherwise good thing because of my pride. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/138 "2011-01-21T16:56:31Z")
> [@Chopper9760](#): > > I feel like I have a bit of a prideful personal failing in that I can imagine forgiving a SO felonious or murderous transgressions but infidelity pushes me past the point of no return. The cheater is still the far bigger asshole though. :). …I can’t wrap my brain around this. Do you really mean this? If you found out that, during the first year of your marriage, your spouse murdered a professional rival, you would find that _easier_ to forgive than learning that during the same year, (s)he got horizontal with a co-worker? That utterly baffles me. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/139 "2011-01-21T17:17:12Z")
> [@Chopper9760](#): > > I couldn’t get over infidelity. If my SO cheated on me I would feel extremely inadequate. I don’t think I could live with myself if I stayed with a cheater. I could maybe forgive my SO and _maybe_ rebuild trust but I would have serious pride/self-esteem issues. > > If it were truly a ONS with no disease/pregnancy consequences, **No, I would not want to know.** > > That’s a pretty narrow field though. I tend to think the kind of person who cheats once is just a cheater who hasn’t yet been presented with a second opportunity. I’ll back up the feelings of inadequacy and rotting self-esteem problems. To the Vulcan mind it’s simply a physical act which may or may not have anything to do with the cheat-ee, and it seems an apology and a promise ought to be enough smooth it over. The reality is that it can easily validate every insecurity you’ve ever had about yourself and about your relationship with everyone and everything else you deal with. And there’s really no way to apologize for doing that kind of damage to someone just so you can get your jollies for 10-15 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203/140 "2011-01-21T17:36:03Z")
> [@storyteller0910](#): > > …I can’t wrap my brain around this. Do you really mean this? If you found out that, during the first year of your marriage, your spouse murdered a professional rival, you would find that _easier_ to forgive than learning that during the same year, (s)he got horizontal with a co-worker? > > That utterly baffles me. I can understand how the cheating might seem more like a personal insult, but yeah. Murder is a wee bit worse than cheating, in the same way that Mt. Everest is a wee bit bigger than my pinkie toe. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confessing-infidelity-lousy-advice-from-prudie-dept/568203.md?page=8)