# Confusing situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 22, 2010, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085 "2010-06-22T02:37:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/61 "2010-06-25T07:17:38Z")
Well, that’s good advice. Except I went there today during hours he doesn’t work. I went there when I thought he wouldn’t be there. I don’t know if he changed the hours he works or if he picked up a shift, but he was there. I walked up to the counter to pay for what I was buying and he saw me coming and turned around and walked away into the back room behind the registers. Then somebody else had to ring up my things. I thought it was really weird because the last time I talked to him, the last time I’ve been there was 2 weeks ago. So, either his ego is so massive that maybe he thought I wanted to talk to him, maybe he thought I still liked him, was worried I would confront him, so he walked away and hid in the back. Or he still feels so bad about standing me up that he can’t even face me. So, I went there as a customer and I ended up feeling like I had done something wrong. If I stood him up, then I could understand his behavior a little better. But, I didn’t. I’ve been going there for years. Well, hopefully someday he’ll grow up and will be able to just do his job and not need to make dramatic exits anymore. It made me really uncomfortable, so I’ll just have to go somewhere else for a while until he gets over himself. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/62 "2010-06-25T07:33:54Z")
Someone already asked, but I really want to know how old you are. ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/63 "2010-06-25T08:09:09Z")
I just turned 26 in May. He’s older though, I’m not sure of his age. I would say he’s in his 30’s, but I don’t know his exact age. ---
**Author:** ![Martiju](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@Martiju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martiju)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/64 "2010-06-25T09:38:18Z")
Have you ever thought about asking guys out yourself? Might save a lot of drama… ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/65 "2010-06-25T10:59:31Z")
**aliceinchains7** I’m lurking in this thread out of idle curiousity, and I’m finding your posting style is putting me off my Schadenfreude. Can I request that you indicate to whom you’re replying when you post? You could use the “Quote” button, then delete all but the salient part of the person’s post. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/66 "2010-06-25T12:18:11Z")
**Alicenchains7** , I really feel for you because I used to think a lot like you appearing to be doing in this thread. That is, overanalyzing someone’s motives/actions/thought-processes and trying to figure out exactly what went wrong and when and why. It got pretty pathological. I was seeing a therapist about it, and she gave me some wonderful advice. She told me, basically, “People are complicated and do complicated things for various reasons that sometimes even they are not aware of. You are best off concentrating your energies on finding someone with whom you communicate effectively.” I really don’t think your going to get anywhere obsessing over this guy and trying to figure him out. Just move on, and look out for someone who doesn’t act in confusing ways. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/67 "2010-06-25T13:38:03Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > …I walked up to the counter to pay for what I was buying and he saw me coming and turned around and walked away into the back room behind the registers. … It made me really uncomfortable, so I’ll just have to go somewhere else for a while until he gets over himself. Sounds like the guy is a loser freak and you are fortunate things never progressed further than they did. (Actually, I think his actions seemed off some time earlier, but for whatever reason you were playing along with whatever game he was playing.) At this point all you need to do is go on with your life. There are no shortage of loser freaks in the world. Just keep going to the store, and who cares who rings up your purchase. Every moment you think about this situation brings you closer to being a loser freak like him. Life is too short. ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/68 "2010-06-25T17:13:37Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > I would never want to learn how to approach a guy. I’ve never approached a guy and I would never want to… Once I know someone is interested in asking me out, if I’m interested in going out with him, I will always let him know that I like him, too and that I like everything that’s going on and of course always flirt back at him. I never just sit by passively, so to speak. Speaking from another 10 years of experience, you may want to change this habit. From your posts, it seems like you weren’t too into this guy until he starting shadowing you for a while: > [@](#): > > I didn’t even start to think as to whether or not I would actually be interested in saying “yes” when he did eventually ask me until over a month after I met him. Even then I never thought about him unless I was at the store and he happened to be there. I recommend thinking about what YOU want in a man, besides “pursues me mercilessly”, then go after that. If your main criteria is how into you he is, more power to you, I guess, but the odds are much higher you’re going to end up as merely a trophy on a man’s arm. And men like that always trade up for a younger model some day. And this > [@](#): > > If a guy isn’t pursuing me and doing all of the initiating, that means he’s not interested. is flat out untrue. Most guys I know would get tired of doing all the initiating, because that means that the woman wants to be treated like a princess, rather than a partner. You may be driving away some really good guys because of your desire to be pursued. Look, I know different strokes for different folks and all that, but I recommend you start taking a more active role in your dating life, rather than just seeing what the current brings you. And as for this guy, stop analyzing. He changed his mind for whatever reason. Keep going to the store if you want, the awkwardness will fade over time. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/69 "2010-06-25T17:44:02Z")
I’ll admit my eyes glazed over a few times while reading about the minutia of every encounter between the OP and weird guy, but “Guy Sends Mixed Signals!” and “Passive People are Passive!” seem to be the upshots. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/70 "2010-06-25T18:24:56Z")
> [@arseNal](#): > > Right, you’re only agreeing with me here. I’m just saying, this is quite a common occurrence in general, just perhaps not to women who are more used to having their pick of guys. ONLY agreeing with you? Having me agree with you on the SDMB is one of the greatest, most rare honors there is!!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/71 "2010-06-25T18:42:15Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > \I walked up to the counter to pay for what I was buying and he saw me coming and turned around and walked away into the back room behind the registers. Then somebody else had to ring up my things.\ Dude seriously needs to grow up. Anyway, when this happens, just casually mention to the person who then has to ring you up that the manager must be having trouble with that apocalyptic diarrhea again. 😃 > [@msmith537](#): > > ONLY agreeing with you? Having me agree with you on the SDMB is one of the greatest, most rare honors there is!!😃 I’m trying to remember if this has ever happened - coming up dry so far. 🙂 ETA: On the upside, it’s not confusing any longer - he’s an idiot, and making it very easy for you to move on. ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/72 "2010-07-08T05:18:07Z")
Update: He’s married. I tried to look up his name on Facebook to no avail. It says “Bob” on his name tag. I then tried “Roberto” and the city. His page came up. I think even that is weird. If you worked at a store and you were really friendly, you probably wouldn’t mind a regular customer sending you a friend request. You always have the option of ignoring it. Of course, his Facebook page is all blocked out. It only shows his gender and city. Most people aren’t that extreme on Facebook. The extreme privacy settings of his page says that he’s hiding something. So, I felt kind of stupid doing it, but I ran a check on him. Some people run checks on their dates before the first date. I’ve never done that before. I think I will start in the future. I would assume he got cold feet after I said that I didn’t know his last name. After he saw that I had written down my name, he probably thought I wouldn’t be happy with not being in his personal life. So, he stood me up and ended everything. I still can’t figure out why he came up to me and started talking to me after he stood me up, though. He didn’t act jerky and run away until I mentioned about my phone having been broken. Well, all of it makes a lot more sense to me now. It bothers me that I didn’t see this coming. He was so nice and really looking for somebody and as soon as he felt scared he turned into a different person and shut me out completely. I wish I could have seen signs of this before he said he didn’t want to tell me his last name, as we had already made the date by then. I don’t know what kind of warning signs to look for with somebody in the future. Maybe I should start asking them more questions early on and if they don’t want to answer them, then I will know that they are up to something. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/73 "2010-07-08T07:32:26Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I’ll admit my eyes glazed over a few times while reading about the minutia of every encounter between the OP and weird guy, but “Guy Sends Mixed Signals!” and “Passive People are Passive!” seem to be the upshots. Well, jsgoddess, I sure am glad you admitted it first because I didn’t want to be the first one to say blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah but you make a really good point. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/74 "2010-07-08T13:46:55Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > Well, all of it makes a lot more sense to me now. It bothers me that I didn’t see this coming. He was so nice and really looking for somebody and as soon as he felt scared he turned into a different person and shut me out completely. I wish I could have seen signs of this before he said he didn’t want to tell me his last name, as we had already made the date by then. I don’t know what kind of warning signs to look for with somebody in the future. Maybe I should start asking them more questions early on and if they don’t want to answer them, then I will know that they are up to something. Asking questions and paying attention to the answers and to your own gut reaction are good things. I don’t think this incident means you are doing anything wrong or are somehow lacking in the perception department. As learning experiences go, this one is pretty good. No one got hurt. You knew something was up, even if not precisely what. Win-win! ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/75 "2010-07-08T14:46:42Z")
I have only one question about this guy: Was he wearing pajama pants? ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/76 "2010-07-08T16:06:22Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > Update: He’s married. I tried to look up his name on Facebook to no avail. It says “Bob” on his name tag. I then tried “Roberto” and the city. His page came up. I think even that is weird. If you worked at a store and you were really friendly, you probably wouldn’t mind a regular customer sending you a friend request. You always have the option of ignoring it. Of course, his Facebook page is all blocked out. It only shows his gender and city. Most people aren’t that extreme on Facebook. The extreme privacy settings of his page says that he’s hiding something. So, I felt kind of stupid doing it, but I ran a check on him. Some people run checks on their dates before the first date. I’ve never done that before. I think I will start in the future. Not that it really matters, but how do you know he’s married if all FB gives you is his gender and city? A lot of people have gone to those extremes on Facebook recently with all of the privacy scares that have come up. Doesn’t mean they’re hiding anything, just that they don’t want their information out there in the ether for anyone to see. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/77 "2010-07-09T14:17:14Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > Update: He’s married. I tried to look up his name on Facebook to no avail. . . > > So, I felt kind of stupid doing it, but I ran a check on him. . . > > I would assume he got cold feet after I said that I didn’t know his last name. . . > > I still can’t figure out why he came up to me and started talking to me after he stood me up, though. . . > > It bothers me that I didn’t see this coming. He was so nice and really looking for somebody . . . OK, so my impression, FWIW, is that your sole criteria for dating appears to be whether the person is interested in you. So here’s a shocker, one you should have been told years ago, and which may someday save your life if you pay close attention: * * * It is really not at all hard to find a guy who is interested.\*\*\* Despite everything you’ve been told, you don’t have to be beautiful, or even sexy. You don’t have to have the perfect clothing, or the shoes that match your purse, or the perfect fingernails. In fact, most of these things can work against your finding out how many guys are interested, as many guys will judge you to be “out of their league” if you have them. You probably pass 50-100 guys per day who are instantly, and instinctively interested. Dating is not about finding a person who’s interested. It’s about finding the person with whom you are compatible. The person who appreciates and encourages the traits that you like best about yourself, and who helps you to become a better person in the areas you would like to improve. Dating is about finding a partner for your life. (Except when it’s about finding a partner for your Saturday night, but you don’t need my help with that bit.) So, mystery guy? Crossed off the list easily by the time he hesitated to give his full name, if not much, much sooner. I’d also strongly recommend you talk with a professional counselor about why it’s so important to you to believe that he was interested. This yearning to be wanted can leave you vulnerable to some seriously sleazy people. This is the very trait that psychopaths watch for, glom onto, and exploit. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/78 "2010-07-09T14:45:29Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Not that it really matters, but how do you know he’s married if all FB gives you is his gender and city? In his profile pic he appears to be fighting back tears. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/79 "2010-07-09T16:37:14Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > In his profile pic he appears to be fighting back tears. Ha… That really made me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/80 "2010-07-09T23:34:10Z")
What struck me about the whole encounter is that he’s fucking around with people while on his job, not a good idea. I think **TruCel** t has a point, he’s been teasing this whole thing along for his amusement, it caught him out when your phone went down, because his next step was to enjoy your anguish at him not having called you. Creepy guy giving creepy looks is creepy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085.md?page=5)