# Confusing situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 22, 2010, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085 "2010-06-22T02:37:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/81 "2010-07-10T09:27:21Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > I have only one question about this guy: Was he wearing pajama pants? lol šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/82 "2010-07-10T10:06:31Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Not that it really matters, but how do you know heā€™s married if all FB gives you is his gender and city? A lot of people have gone to those extremes on Facebook recently with all of the privacy scares that have come up. Doesnā€™t mean theyā€™re hiding anything, just that they donā€™t want their information out there in the ether for anyone to see. I just googled his name and this copy of a document that lists marriage licenses applied for in his county is online for some reason. The county didnā€™t put it online. It looks like some people doing geneology stuff made a copy of a certain number of years of marriage applications and put it on line. In other words, by a stroke of very unfortunate luck, all you have to do to find out if this guy is married or not is google his name. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/83 "2010-07-10T10:27:10Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > Update: Heā€™s married. I tried to look up his name on Facebook to no avail. It says ā€œBobā€ on his name tag. I then tried ā€œRobertoā€ and the city. His page came up. I think even that is weird. If you worked at a store and you were really friendly, you probably wouldnā€™t mind a regular customer sending you a friend request. You always have the option of ignoring it. Of course, his Facebook page is all blocked out. It only shows his gender and city. Most people arenā€™t that extreme on Facebook. The extreme privacy settings of his page says that heā€™s hiding something. Just posting to say that thereā€™s nothing strange at all about a person making their profile private. The fact that you think itā€™s weird tells me that you donā€™t use social networking sites. ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/84 "2010-07-10T11:43:57Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > OK, so my impression, FWIW, is that your sole criteria for dating appears to be whether the person is interested in you. So hereā€™s a shocker, one you should have been told years ago, and which may someday save your life if you pay close attention: > > * * * > > It is really not at all hard to find a guy who is interested.\*\*\* > > Despite everything youā€™ve been told, you donā€™t have to be beautiful, or even sexy. You donā€™t have to have the perfect clothing, or the shoes that match your purse, or the perfect fingernails. In fact, most of these things can work against your finding out how many guys are interested, as many guys will judge you to be ā€œout of their leagueā€ if you have them. > > You probably pass 50-100 guys per day who are instantly, and instinctively interested. > > Dating is not about finding a person whoā€™s interested. Itā€™s about finding the person with whom you are compatible. The person who appreciates and encourages the traits that you like best about yourself, and who helps you to become a better person in the areas you would like to improve. Dating is about finding a partner for your life. (Except when itā€™s about finding a partner for your Saturday night, but you donā€™t need my help with that bit.) > > So, mystery guy? Crossed off the list easily by the time he hesitated to give his full name, if not much, much sooner. > > Iā€™d also strongly recommend you talk with a professional counselor about why itā€™s so important to you to believe that he was interested. This yearning to be wanted can leave you vulnerable to some seriously sleazy people. This is the very trait that psychopaths watch for, glom onto, and exploit. You bring up some interesting points. So, I donā€™t mean to come off like Iā€™m arguing in the next segment. But, it isnā€™t important to me that I believe he was interested. I know that he was interested and that part of it was never a question. I donā€™t believe that I have a yearning to be wanted. I have a yearning to be left alone sometimes and the rest of the time Iā€™m just disinterested in general because Iā€™m never looking for anybody. I believe it is the disinterest quality that is attractive to players. They find it to be a challenge. If I was the type of person who was yearning to be wanted, I wouldnā€™t be attractive to players because that wouldnā€™t be challenging to them. Youā€™re right in that psychopaths watch for the quality that you mentioned. But, I think psychos are attracted to lots of different qualities depending on who the psycho is. If the psycho is a player who is looking for a big ego stroke, he will be attracted to the disinterested quality. Iā€™ve known a few psychos, male and female. If I know them long enough they will usually tell me exactly what they are, in other words of course, and they always think they are revealing something special to me. But, I already know it before that point. They seem to feel safe with me for some reason. Maybe itā€™s because I donā€™t call people out soon enough. Youā€™re right in that sometimes it is because I want them to like me, other times itā€™s because I donā€™t care enough about them to call out their behavior. Sometimes, itā€™s because I think itā€™s amusing that they donā€™t think that I know who they are or what they are doing. They have a tendency to think theyā€™re smarter than everybody else. Anyway, the next time I meet somebody who says or does something weird, instead of my just thinking, ā€œWhat the heck are you doing?ā€ Or ā€œWhy did you say that?ā€ I will actually say it to them instead. ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/85 "2010-07-10T12:00:07Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Just posting to say that thereā€™s nothing strange at all about a person making their profile private. The fact that you think itā€™s weird tells me that you donā€™t use social networking sites. I guess my point was that in his case it fits him. Youā€™re right in that a lot of people have privacy concerns for legitimate reasons. Most people though donā€™t just have their gender and city listed and thatā€™s it. Most people are a little bit more revealing than that. If heā€™s married and confusing his job with a bar at which to pick up women, heā€™s probably not going to make himself accessible to all of the spurned women out there. Maybe he takes them out a few times, calls them using the private call feature, doesnā€™t mention his last name etcā€¦ Then when he is done with them and disappears, the only place they can reach him is at his job. At which he can just walk away from them and hide when he sees them coming. ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2010, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/86 "2010-07-10T12:02:07Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > In his profile pic he appears to be fighting back tears. Hilarious, thatā€™s a good one! šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![raindrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@raindrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindrop)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/87 "2010-07-11T07:06:21Z")
**Alicenchains** , I think you should keep shopping there, just out of spite. And donā€™t change your schedule either; just go forth boldly at your usual times. But instead of feeling bad or awkward when he runs away you could just have a good laugh whenever he runs to the back like a scared little rabbit. Honestly, depending on how you look at it could be very humorous. And while some think that being attractive gives you the pick of all men, what it really gives you is lots and lots of experience with the weirdest and worst of men. IOW, nothing so wonderful after all. But in the end, I also agree with those who say heā€™s not worth so much of your consideration. ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/88 "2010-07-11T10:41:55Z")
> [@raindrop](#): > > **Alicenchains** , I think you should keep shopping there, just out of spite. And donā€™t change your schedule either; just go forth boldly at your usual times. But instead of feeling bad or awkward when he runs away you could just have a good laugh whenever he runs to the back like a scared little rabbit. Honestly, depending on how you look at it could be very humorous. > > And while some think that being attractive gives you the pick of all men, what it really gives you is lots and lots of experience with the weirdest and worst of men. IOW, nothing so wonderful after all. > > But in the end, I also agree with those who say heā€™s not worth so much of your consideration. What does IOW mean?šŸ˜• I have gone back there since then. I donā€™t believe he works there anymore. There is a new manager on his shift. Itā€™s someone who used to work the afternoon shift. The guy I used to know told me a couple of days before he asked me out that he was going to the afternoon shift. I havenā€™t seen him there for weeks. He told me he has been with the company for 10 years, but only at that location for 8 months. I had already known from a friend of mine who used to work there a long time ago that sometimes managers get sent to different locations on a regular basis. I am really hoping that he still does work there. Only because if he doesnā€™t work there that would mean that he knew he would be leaving before he asked me out and neglected to tell me. (Like he neglected to tell me he was married.) In other words, if I hadnā€™t been a little stand offish when I first met him and had been more receptive to his asking me out right away, I would have gone out with him for several months. Then he would have just left and gone to a new location. Iā€™m thinking that if he doesnā€™t work there anymore, that he is a lot worse than I had imagined. Maybe he starts a new relationship with a woman at each new location, then dumps her and just disappears and goes off to his new location. So, I could have had a relationship with someone who made excuses for months as to why I couldnā€™t come to his house or call him. Then Iā€™d wake up one day to have the same thing happen to me as what just did happen to me. It would be like going to your boyfriendā€™s house one day to find that heā€™s moved. You wouldnā€™t know where he went or why and would have no way to get a hold of him. So, thatā€™s why Iā€™m hoping he still does work there. It might sound stupid, but Iā€™d rather believe that he is just a player, cheater, immature idiot than some kind of psycho woman hater who has left a trail of humiliated women all over the place. I was really comfortable around this guy. He was really calm and laid back and not creepy at all, actually. He seemed like one of the most normal, nice people Iā€™ve ever met. So, it just scares me that I could have possibly been alone with some kind of monster who would have humiliated me in the same way as he just did. Except it would have been worse for me because I would have known him personally. It bothers me a lot that I didnā€™t have a clue. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/89 "2010-07-11T10:57:10Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > What does IOW mean? In other words. > [@alicenchains7](#): > > Maybe he starts a new relationship with a woman at each new location, then dumps her and just disappears and goes off to his new location. So, I could have had a relationship with someone who made excuses for months as to why I couldnā€™t come to his house or call him. Then Iā€™d wake up one day to have the same thing happen to me as what just did happen to me. It would be like going to your boyfriendā€™s house one day to find that heā€™s moved. You wouldnā€™t know where he went or why and would have no way to get a hold of him. > > So, thatā€™s why Iā€™m hoping he still does work there. It might sound stupid, but Iā€™d rather believe that he is just a player, cheater, immature idiot than some kind of psycho woman hater who has left a trail of humiliated women all over the place. I was really comfortable around this guy. He was really calm and laid back and not creepy at all, actually. He seemed like one of the most normal, nice people Iā€™ve ever met. So, it just scares me that I could have possibly been alone with some kind of monster who would have humiliated me in the same way as he just did. Except it would have been worse for me because I would have known him personally. It bothers me a lot that I didnā€™t have a clue. _What_? ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/90 "2010-07-11T10:57:35Z")
> [@raindrop](#): > > **Alicenchains** , I think you should keep shopping there, just out of spite. And donā€™t change your schedule either; just go forth boldly at your usual times. But instead of feeling bad or awkward when he runs away you could just have a good laugh whenever he runs to the back like a scared little rabbit. Honestly, depending on how you look at it could be very humorous. > > And while some think that being attractive gives you the pick of all men, what it really gives you is lots and lots of experience with the weirdest and worst of men. IOW, nothing so wonderful after all. > > But in the end, I also agree with those who say heā€™s not worth so much of your consideration. Also, I know itā€™s my fault for not describing it right, itā€™s the type of thing where you would have had to be there to see it and hear it. But, he didnā€™t run off like a scared little rabbit. I showed him I cared for probably really the first time and then he dismissed me, humiliated me and enjoyed it. If I had been more receptive to him when I first met him and had a relationship with him, he would have done the same thing to me. ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/91 "2010-07-11T11:53:44Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > In other words. > > _What_? It is possible that he starts a new affair when he starts working at a new store. He ends the affair when he ends working at that store. Then he starts working at another new store and starts a new affair. He abandons the woman and cuts all contact with her when he quits working at the store. Then he is free to start up with a new woman at a new store. Itā€™s possible that this is what he does. Psychos like to separate things. Or put things in compartments. He never asked me personal questions or talked about anything personal because I was in his ā€œworkā€ compartment. Then in his mind heā€™s not cheating on his wife, because sheā€™s in his ā€œpersonalā€ compartment. Iā€™m thinking that if he does not work here anymore, then one of the reasons he ended it with me before getting to date me is because we would have only had a month. If it took 3 months just to get a first date and he was going to be leaving in a month, it wouldnā€™t be worth his time to date me at all. His marriage application was filed 10 years ago. He told me heā€™s worked for the company for 10 years. So, maybe he ā€œhadā€ to get married, then had to get a job. He resents his wife and cheats on her with women he meets at his job. Then he dumps them and humiliates them and then heā€™s off to a new store and a new woman. Because heā€™s paying back his wife and paying back the women he has affairs with so that he wonā€™t be tied down to just one mistress. Or not, lol :). I mean itā€™s a worst case scenario that I think is possible. And if he stopped working there shortly after getting rid of me, I would think he has found a new woman at a new store. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/92 "2010-07-11T11:55:40Z")
And itā€™s possible that the government is controlling my mind with radio waves. But probably not. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/93 "2010-07-11T14:36:07Z")
You are _way_ overthinking all this. Just move on. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/94 "2010-07-11T16:04:49Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > And itā€™s possible that the government is controlling my mind with radio waves. But probably not. We totally are. ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/95 "2010-07-11T16:12:52Z")
What Iā€™m wondering is how creeped out this ā€œpsychoā€ dude would be reading this thread. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/96 "2010-07-11T16:22:31Z")
> [@alicenchains7](#): > > Or not, lol :). I mean itā€™s a worst case scenario that I think is possible. And if he stopped working there shortly after getting rid of me, I would think he has found a new woman at a new store. Or maybe he got fired. Or maybe he quit. Or maybe his wife killed him in a rit of fealous jage! I really donā€™t think Iā€™ve ever seen someone obsess so much over nothing. And I hang out at the dope, so thatā€™s saying a lot. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/97 "2010-07-11T16:27:06Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > We totally are. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![raindrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@raindrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindrop)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/98 "2010-07-11T23:24:21Z")
**alicenchains** , IOW is shorthand for ā€œin other words.ā€ Itā€™s known as an internet acronym, used on this board a lot. A few more popular ones ā€¦ FWIW = for what itā€™s worth ISTM = it seems to me IIRC = if I recall correctly IME = in my experience IMO = in my opinion IMHO = in my humble opinion IMNSHO = in my not so humble opinion BTW = by the way ROFL = rolling on the floor laughing šŸ˜ƒ \* There are many others. Perhaps do an internet search for ā€œinternet acronymsā€ for a more complete list. - ROFL: Ya see, IMNSHO this is the one you should be doing regarding this guy. As long as youā€™re not in any serious danger just laugh at the losers. Donā€™t let their bad behavior cause you to feel bad about yourself, and donā€™t give them too much of your consideration either. ---
**Author:** ![toodlepip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@toodlepip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toodlepip)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/99 "2010-07-11T23:34:40Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > :eek: Why, oh why donā€™t we have a tinfoil hat smiley?? ---
**Author:** ![alicenchains7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e4f/32.png) [@alicenchains7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alicenchains7)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085/100 "2010-07-11T23:39:41Z")
It might be hard to believe that there are people out there like this. But, I actually knew someone who was exactly like this. He used to work for the same company. He had a higher up position in management and would travel all over the country to set up new stores. He had a wife, a mistress, a girlfriend and also the random flings all going at once. He would have a new ā€œgirlfriendā€ at every location he went to. He would either end it permanently when he left. Or sometimes continue contact if in need of an ego stroke. There really are men out there who are predators to this extent. I was the ā€œmistressā€ in this situation. Initially, the girl who assumed he was single. Then the girl who was naive enough to believe that he would leave his wife. I was also the girl who could not even begin to comprehend that what he really was doing was even possible. It bothers me immensely that this is the same guy. Heā€™s younger and looks different and doesnā€™t make as much money. But, he is the same guy. It upsets me that the one who pursued me the most is the same guy. It also upsets me that I didnā€™t know any better, or ask him any questions earlier. Like instead of asking him his last name, maybe asking him if he was married early on. Iā€™m assuming this is the reason why this had such an effect on me. Somewhere in my body or in my subconscious mind, I probably knew he was the same guy. I donā€™t think itā€™s funny really. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/confusing-situation/544085.md?page=6)