# congratulating the bride **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [December 18, 2003, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765 "2003-12-18T15:11:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![batsto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b2d939/32.png) [@batsto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/batsto)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/1 "2003-12-18T15:11:55Z")
A friend of mine got engaged over the weekend, and when I said “congratulations” she told me that I was not supposed to congratulate the bride, only the groom–that not only was it a breach of etiquette, but that this is also common knowledge. I’ve never heard this before–it never came up when my wife and I were engaged. Has any one ever heard of this before? Where does this idea come from? And why have I never encountered it if it’s such common knowledge? ---
**Author:** ![CheekyMonkey613](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e480ec/32.png) [@CheekyMonkey613](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheekyMonkey613)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/2 "2003-12-18T15:15:55Z")
Never heard of that either ~ and I’ve congratulated a LOT of brides. Maybe it’s so in a different culture? Maybe it’s a superstition? It’s definitely not common knowledge. ---
**Author:** ![batsto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b2d939/32.png) [@batsto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/batsto)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/3 "2003-12-18T15:28:03Z")
One other thing…it was also claimed that saying congratulations is rude because it is akin to calling her a harlot. I asked for clarification on this–I don’t see how it can be looked at that way, but I was told that “it just does, everybody knows that.” Anyone have an etiquette guide that may say something about this? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/4 "2003-12-18T15:32:00Z")
I’ve heard this, but Mrs. Moto was widely congratulated when we were married. It’s the whole notion that the groom is lucky to have the bride, so he is the one who should be congratulated. The bride, in contrast, is given “best wishes.” ---
**Author:** ![Elret](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Elret](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elret)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/5 "2003-12-18T15:36:13Z")
It’s what I’ve always heard, too. “Congratulations” to the groom, and “best wishes” to the bride. The fact that your friend called you on it, though, I think is a little rude. You obviously had only the best intentions, and it is a really petty thing, in my opinion. This site tackles the “logic” of the rule: [http://www.digsmagazine.com/host/host\_etiquette\_3-28-02\_3.htm](http://www.digsmagazine.com/host/host_etiquette_3-28-02_3.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/6 "2003-12-18T15:56:33Z")
The rule is antiquated and need no longer be observed. Congratulations, best wishes, joy and luck, all are fine in today’s society. Of course, this is only MHO ---
**Author:** ![batsto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b2d939/32.png) [@batsto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/batsto)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/7 "2003-12-18T16:12:50Z")
I agree with everyone who thinks the notion is outdated–I guess my real question has more to do with the ‘common knowledge’ part; just how widespread is this notion? I have never heard it before, and I’m curious if anyone knows where/when it started, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/8 "2003-12-18T16:19:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by batsto \* > \*\*I agree with everyone who thinks the notion is outdated–I guess my real question has more to do with the ‘common knowledge’ part; just how widespread is this notion? I have never heard it before, and I’m curious if anyone knows where/when it started, etc. \*\* I had never heard it before. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/9 "2003-12-18T16:23:37Z")
My, that site’s a bit biased, eh? (In **Elret’s** post.) My latin teacher explained to us that it is unseemly to say “congratulations” to the bride, as it implies she has achieved something. That something would be landing a man, an indelicate feat to ascribe to lady, all the more so if one could infer an unspoken “at long last.” One says “felicitations” ( = happiness, best wishes) to the bride. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/10 "2003-12-18T16:27:57Z")
I’ve known about it for as long as I can remember, and pretty much everyone I know with whom the subject has come up are aware of it, although I think I’m the only person I know who actually observes it. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/11 "2003-12-18T16:27:59Z")
I’ve heard of it. And it should probably be observed if only because saying “best wishes” might be misinterpreted less, and you don’t want to get into an argument at a wedding. But I can’t believe your friend really believes whatever justification, so she was just being bitchy (sorry) by insisting. If someone is trying to give a sincere expression of good will to you on your wedding day, it’s a bit much to refuse it because they phrased it slightly wrongly - it’s not as if its likely you were being sarcastic by saying “congratulations” not “best wishes.” ---
**Author:** ![batsto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b2d939/32.png) [@batsto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/batsto)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/12 "2003-12-18T16:51:38Z")
Just to clarify…my friend wasn’t really being bitchy, I think she was only joking but it still struck me as odd, since I had never heard of it before (and I’ve congratulated many a bride, and none of them ever pointed this out) ---
**Author:** ![ASD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c68b51/32.png) [@ASD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ASD)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/13 "2003-12-18T17:21:43Z")
When I got engaged, a few people said something about the not-congratulating a bride thing to me. I’d never heard it before either. I’d say 90% of people who wished me well said congratulations though, so I don’t think it’s a very well known thing. ---
**Author:** ![Will\_Repair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a698b9/32.png) [@Will\_Repair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Will_Repair)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/14 "2003-12-18T17:25:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by batsto \* > \*\*I’ve congratulated many a bride, and none of them ever pointed this out) \*\* Well, now you know. The next time you come across a man in a tux dragging by her hair a lady dressed in white you’ll know just what to say. ---
**Author:** ![lilabet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b38774/32.png) [@lilabet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lilabet)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/15 "2003-12-18T17:26:31Z")
I just found out this afternoon my sister is engaged, and you can be damn sure I congratulated her! What a crap etiquette rule. Where are you from? I’m English and have never heard this before. ---
**Author:** ![batsto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b2d939/32.png) [@batsto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/batsto)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/16 "2003-12-18T17:29:52Z")
I live in New Jersey, as does the bride to be. I asked my wife, who grew up in New York, and she had never heard of it either. Where are the people who have heard of it from? Could it be a regional thing? ---
**Author:** ![CheekyMonkey613](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e480ec/32.png) [@CheekyMonkey613](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheekyMonkey613)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/17 "2003-12-18T17:35:16Z")
> [@](#): > > One says “felicitations” ( = happiness, best wishes) to the bride. ~ which funnily enough MEANS CONGRATULATIONS in French! Well, you learn something new every day. It just doesn’t sound right … “Congratulations” to the groom: “Now you can get laid regularly! Way to go, Dude!” “Best Wishes” to the bride: “Good luck. I hear he doesn’t put down the toilet seat. Be strong.” Why NOT congratulations to the bride?: “You’ve fallen in love with a man whom treats you so wonderfully, and makes you so happy that you’ve chosen him to be the one to spend the rest of your life with!” It would seem to me that “Best wishes” reads more like: “You are aware of the divorce rate in this country, aren’t you?” “Just to clarify…my friend wasn’t really being bitchy, I think she was only joking…” (by Batso) Ya know, I know she’s your friend and all … but all I’m thinking is … I’d hate to be at the reception hall when she finds out that the napkins aren’t the EXACT same hue of seafoam green as her bridesmaids’ dresses. And WHO is responsible for this MAJOR DISASTER on HER day!?! ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/18 "2003-12-18T17:41:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gary T \* > \*\*One says “felicitations” ( = happiness, best wishes) to the bride. \*\* _To groom_: Congratulations! _To bride_: Felatios! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/19 "2003-12-18T17:51:21Z")
" Good luck training him." “Here’s hoping she won’t nag you to death.” ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765/20 "2003-12-18T18:01:26Z")
Before there was Judith Martin (Miss Manners) there was Emily Post, who had this to say in her widely read and republished 1922 book [_Etiquette_](http://www.bartleby.com/95/22.html): > [@](#): > > What you should say in congratulating a bridal couple depends on how well you know one, or both of them. But remember **it is a breach of good manners to congratulate a bride on having secured a husband**. [emphasis mine] > > If you are unknown to both of them, and in a long queue, it is not even necessary to give your name. You merely shake hands with the groom, say a formal word or two such as “Congratulations!”; shake hands with the bride, say “I wish you every happiness!” and pass on. > > If you know them fairly well, you may say to him “I hope your good luck will stay with you always!” or “I certainly do congratulate you!” and to her “I hope your whole life will be one long happiness,” or, if you are much older than she, “You look too lovely, dear Mary, and I hope you will always be as radiant as you look to-day!” Or, if you are a woman and a relative or really close friend, you kiss the groom, saying, “All the luck in the world to you, dear Jim, she certainly is lovely!” Or, kissing the bride, “Mary, darling, every good wish in the world to you!” > > To all the above, the groom and bride answer merely “Thank you.” Note that it is not acceptable for the bride to tell a guest not to congratulate her. I’ve always known about this rule. I assume that it was common knowledge back in 1922, and gained further credence from being codified by Emily Post. Of course it is now antiquated, but from the perspective of the role of women 100 years ago, it made sense. That people here don’t recognize the rule and the reason for it is an indication of just how far women have come. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulating-the-bride/219765.md?page=2)