# Congratulations! You've been turned into a vampire. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2016, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901 "2016-07-14T15:16:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/21 "2016-07-14T17:32:41Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > Another question for the OP - Am I unique, or are there other vampires? If so, do they have a society of sorts, or are they just loners who avoid each other, or do they actively try to murder each other? There are other vampires – one of them turned you, after all. Vampires are like humans, so some are loners, some form ‘families’ or other looser associations, a few are actively anti-social or are ‘good vampires’ who work with slayers and religious groups to destroy your kind. It’s a rich tapestry! The question of money is an interesting one. I think investments are a good approach, and of course thievery might be easier as a vampire (you can’t be seen by the security cameras after all). Working the night shift seems like the obvious option – perhaps at a hospital? As long as there’s a way to make sure you don’t get involuntarily transferred to days. Working for the cops seems risky, but possible, if you have crime-fighting urges. (I liked Forever Knight!) ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/22 "2016-07-14T17:48:16Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Kristen Stewart is NOT your girlfriend. But the OP says we can keep our current relationships! Am I the kind of modern-noir vampire who still enjoys sexy times or the traditional Nosferatu with no interest in my potential legion of nubile goth girls? ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/23 "2016-07-14T17:51:39Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > But the OP says we can keep our current relationships! > > Am I the kind of modern-noir vampire who still enjoys sexy times or the traditional Nosferatu with no interest in my potential legion of nubile goth girls? I think Kristen Stewart might still be into vampires (just not lame Twilight vampires), but who can say? Sexy times are still possible, if you’ve fed recently enough! ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/24 "2016-07-14T17:52:31Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > No to garlic and holy water. Crosses, crucifixes, holy relics and symbols of other religions (stars of David, crescents, Hindu symbols, etc.) – yes. No church for you! Well that kind of scuttles my “go public” idea, which was based on showing that I’m not some unholy entity that must be destroyed. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/25 "2016-07-14T17:56:46Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > I think Kristen Stewart might still be into vampires (just not lame Twilight vampires), but who can say? > > Sexy times are still possible, if you’ve fed recently enough! Vamp-iagra? ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/26 "2016-07-14T18:01:51Z")
Yeah dude, I’m all in. I’ll just chomp on people I don’t like! (At first I was gonna write, “I’ll just chomp on dicks!” Heh. Totally not what I meant!) (Imagining that is amusing me right now. I’d totally come at it from the side, since I’m not really a straw kind of guy, and then I’m making the vampire face, but it’s such an awkward position that I can’t really get into it, and I’m totally NOT into it, if you get my meaning, but I’m friggin’ starving and man I really should have thought this through…just stick with the neck dude. Jesus.) ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/27 "2016-07-14T18:03:49Z")
- starts making a list of who to bite first \* ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/28 "2016-07-14T18:06:08Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > 1. Vampirism comes with some significant downsides:… > > …a stake through the heart, a beheading, fire, or various other tricks can still kill you … To be fair, those things would have killed me as a human, too. > [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Kristen Stewart is NOT your girlfriend. The OP should have listed that among the perks. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/29 "2016-07-14T18:16:07Z")
I don’t like the part about constantly craving blood. That makes me a desperate addict and I’d want to kill myself except for that “eternal damnation” part. Shit. This would really suck, pun intended. Even after feeding I still crave blood? Wouldn’t I non-stop feed until I’d wiped out all human and animal life? This doesn’t end well. If I could at least be temporarily sated the same way humans are after they eat, well then I could see this working. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/30 "2016-07-14T18:23:18Z")
I take exception with the OP’s #4: being dispatched releases you from The Dark Master’s rule. But it leaves you with a real ugly corpse. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/31 "2016-07-14T18:39:11Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > I don’t like the part about constantly craving blood. That makes me a desperate addict and I’d want to kill myself except for that “eternal damnation” part. Shit. This would really suck, pun intended. Even after feeding I still crave blood? Wouldn’t I non-stop feed until I’d wiped out all human and animal life? This doesn’t end well. > > If I could at least be temporarily sated the same way humans are after they eat, well then I could see this working. Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you would never be sated. If you feed on human blood, you’ll get full like a human would after a nice meal. I just meant that it would always be blood you’d crave, the way humans get hungry. Only somewhat more so, not literally constant. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/32 "2016-07-14T18:40:12Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > I take exception with the OP’s #4: being dispatched releases you from The Dark Master’s rule. But it leaves you with a real ugly corpse. Don’t fight the hypothetical! If you want to start a movement trying to convince your fellow vampires that Hell is a myth to scare your kind, be my guest, of course! ---
**Author:** ![Pabitel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Pabitel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pabitel)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/33 "2016-07-14T18:59:03Z")
Yeah! I’m a superhero! Look out petty dictators and drug kingpins you’re going down! And I can use their ill gotten gains to [buy back the castle](http://www.bran-castle.com/). Minions! Now that I am a full fledged vamp do I get to make Renfields? What about spawn? Bwa ha ha ha ha! SuperHERO, really, truely. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/34 "2016-07-14T19:02:46Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > You’re DEAD; you don’t _live_ anywhere; you sleep in a box full of your native soil in the ground. > > Kristen Stewart is NOT your girlfriend. We presumably still need someplace secure to store our box of dirt during the day. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/35 "2016-07-14T19:07:01Z")
No way this ends well for the mundies. Sure, at first I’ll be all “I’m only preying on the bad guys” but just like with popcorn, a couple of kernels turns into a handful turns into a bucket. Pretty soon, you’re surrounded by corpses, forced to subsist on cows and whatnot like a common peasant ghoul. (shudder) ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/36 "2016-07-14T19:13:50Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > Will you tell your children of your new nature? > [@](#): > > You’re a vampire Michael! My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/37 "2016-07-14T20:10:51Z")
If animal blood is an option, I’m good with that. I eat meat anyway; what’s the big diff? As for the other issues, a lot would depend on the theological implications. If I’m truly “undead,” or, worse, soulless and damned, then I’ll need to find a nice priest who’ll put a stake through me. I will not _continue_ in such a state. If it’s just another phase of existence, with some weird rules, then, sure, I’ll play along. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/38 "2016-07-14T20:11:22Z")
Any of the ‘let myself starve’ group want to discuss their position? Are you currently a human vegetarian or Jehovah’s Witness? ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/39 "2016-07-14T20:11:37Z")
Good gawd, the board’s HAVE deteriorated - we now have a bunch of pansies (when was the last time for _that_ one?) who want to be “sensitive” vampires: “I’ll take human blood, but I won’t hurt anyone”. You’re a fuc\*in’ VAMPIRE - get over yourself - you WILL be all nasty. And you’ll LOVE it! ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/40 "2016-07-14T20:13:26Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > If animal blood is an option, I’m good with that. I eat meat anyway; what’s the big diff? > > As for the other issues, a lot would depend on the theological implications. If I’m truly “undead,” or, worse, soulless and damned, then I’ll need to find a nice priest who’ll put a stake through me. I will not _continue_ in such a state. > > If it’s just another phase of existence, with some weird rules, then, sure, I’ll play along. Well, the soul question is unresolved. What is a soul? But the priests will kill you if you ask, I think. Unless asking to be killed disqualifies your demonic essence, or something. A potential paradox? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901.md?page=3)