# Congratulations! You've been turned into a vampire. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2016, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901 "2016-07-14T15:16:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/41 "2016-07-14T20:21:00Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > If animal blood is an option, I’m good with that. I eat meat anyway; what’s the big diff? > > As for the other issues, a lot would depend on the theological implications. If I’m truly “undead,” or, worse, soulless and damned, then I’ll need to find a nice priest who’ll put a stake through me. I will not _continue_ in such a state. > > If it’s just another phase of existence, with some weird rules, then, sure, I’ll play along. The OP said you get eternal damnation if you die, so dying is off the table for me. I’ll have to make immortality work. There is no ending your misery. If a priest could exorcise me, then that’s different. I probably wouldn’t take that option for a few hundred years though. Lots of people out there needs some blood sucking and the compounding interest on my bank accounts is going to make life sweet 'til I get really bored. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/42 "2016-07-14T20:23:48Z")
Wait. So, according to the OP, I’m Edward “Cedric Diggory” Cullen? I get on a plane to London, break into Madame Tussaud’s, find the Chamber of Horrors, make sure the guillotine still works, rig it so it it can be operated from the “focus of attention” bench, and hop aboard. Next stop, eternal damnation, I guess. Can’t be any worse than walking through the world as RPat. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/43 "2016-07-14T21:19:32Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > Good gawd, the board’s HAVE deteriorated - we now have a bunch of pansies (when was the last time for _that_ one?) who want to be “sensitive” vampires: > “I’ll take human blood, but I won’t hurt anyone”. > > You’re a fuc\*in’ VAMPIRE - get over yourself - you WILL be all nasty. And you’ll LOVE it! You might want to take another look at the numbers, the Kurt Barlow vamps are stomping the un-life out of the twilight emo vamps. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/44 "2016-07-14T21:32:53Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > Don’t fight the hypothetical! > > If you want to start a movement trying to convince your fellow vampires that Hell is a myth to scare your kind, be my guest, of course! You mean, as one of the Devil’s undead, I have to start a _theist_ movement? I don’t see that working out too well. I gotta go lie down; where’s my Big Box o’ Dirt? > [@msmith537](#): > > We presumably still need someplace secure to store our box of dirt during the day. You can control anyone’s mind to let you stash your BBoD anywhere. Or, if you’re not that controlling, you sleep in your grave (in your BBoD) and if the Feds start closing in, you high-tail it with said coffin. If Max Schreck can do it, so can you. And Kurt Barlow vamps don’t use caskets; they just lay under the double-wide until almanac sundown. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/45 "2016-07-14T21:38:48Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > Well, the soul question is unresolved. What is a soul? \ It’s just something parents made up to scare children, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/46 "2016-07-14T21:49:19Z")
I donm’t see where drinking human blood is a problem The Masai in Kenya survive almost entirely on the blood and milk of their cattle, which are perfectly content with the arrangement. Human blood donors can carry on for a full life, without a hitch. Let them sit around and eat snacks and watch telenovellas, contribute a pint of blood every once in a while, and if I play it right, even get good sex from my blood-harem. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/47 "2016-07-14T22:06:08Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > 1. Vampires survive on the blood of mammals. Human blood is the most nutritious, but it is possible to survive on lesser mammals, it just takes a lot more of them and you will be weak (comparatively) and constantly hungry. You can still eat human food, but it won’t provide any nutrients. If you abstain from blood, you will slowly starve and eventually dry out/mummify. Huh. _::: Makes list of potential human victims like drug dealers, pimps, baby-rapers, etc. :::_ I’ll munch on people that society would be better off without, find some vampire fetish people for snacking, purchase some domestic critters for eating, or go after wild animals/vermin as appropriate and practical. That’s actually pretty decent flexibility and I’ll still be able to go to dinner parties and eat human food to maintain a cover identity if needed. > [@](#): > > 1. Vampirism conveys a few extra benefits: super-strength and heightened senses, extra ‘charm’, super speed, but not shape-shifting, mind-reading or flying. There is that immortality and agelessness too! > 2. You-as-vampire will retain your human personality, values, and, if you so choose, personal relationships. What’s not to like? > [@](#): > > 1. Vampirism comes with some significant downsides: you can’t go out in the sun, you can’t be seen in mirrors or cameras (why is this not a popular part of the mythos any more?), you’re constantly craving human blood, and religious organizations and other vigilante groups are out to kill you. Never cared much for sunning myself anyhow. The whole “vigilantes out to kill you” sucks but maybe I can keep a low profile. > [@](#): > > And you are dead – a stake through the heart, a beheading, fire, or various other tricks can still kill you and if they do, it’s off to eternal damnation for you! Let’s be fair - any of those methods will kill living people, too. The eternal damnation thing sucks, too - is that a certain thing or just assumed? If I’m a “good” vampire can I escape damnation? > [@](#): > > Given that, how would you approach your newfound un-life? Find either a night job (hey, I’ve already worked nights) or something I can do from home. Make some _very_ long term investment plans. Study how to assume a new identity (I expect that will eventually be necessary). If I’m eating scummy criminal types maybe I can rob them for a living, or as a supplement to my [del]day[/del] night job. Eventually I’d like to move out to a fairly remote site as a base but close enough to a large city that I can easily go hunting there, where a few more corpses won’t be very noticable. And, as I said, there are animals and fetish types to tide me over in between such trips. If I can establish the right sort of relationship with a human(s) it could become a mutually supportive/symbiotic situation. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/48 "2016-07-14T22:08:22Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Wait. > > So, according to the OP, I’m Edward “Cedric Diggory” Cullen? > > I get on a plane to London, break into Madame Tussaud’s, find the Chamber of Horrors, make sure the guillotine still works, rig it so it it can be operated from the “focus of attention” bench, and hop aboard. > > Next stop, eternal damnation, I guess. Can’t be any worse than walking through the world as RPat. Emphatically _not_ Edward Cullen, actually. The Twi-vamps aren’t really vampires anyway, just LDS exalted men. Even if you chose to live off animal blood, that would be pretty much the only thing you’d have in common with Mr Cullen. Note: if you choose to sleep in a coffin, that’s your preference. No reason you can’t sleep in a bed if you want to. Just make sure you’ve got some good heavy blackout curtains, or a basement apartment (or, I guess, a nice castle). ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/49 "2016-07-15T01:16:57Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > You could feed on the half-dead, too, I suppose. Not a bad plan. Ugh. Like I would drink sour milk now? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901/50 "2016-07-15T01:34:22Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Kristen Stewart is NOT your girlfriend. Hey, we don’t know that for certain. Maybe he could save up, produce a movie, and hire her… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/congratulations-youve-been-turned-into-a-vampire/759901.md?page=2)