# Contacted by a former co-worker, she is now 77, do I ask about her husband? Need answer fast **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2021, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396 "2021-01-24T22:50:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2021, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/1 "2021-01-24T22:50:00Z")
We used to work in different departments, then she transferred over and report to me until she retired, maybe 12 years ago. Her husband had an industrial injury (same company) and was off on permanent disability, and I don’t know if I should ask how he’s doing, or if he’s even still alive. She didn’t say anything in her first brief email, just wanted to re-establish contact. I’m answering back, catching up on a few things. What you you do? ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2021, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/2 "2021-01-24T22:57:00Z")
I’d ask, because that’s my normal human impulse. You can’t be expected to know, and I think it shows caring. ---
**Author:** ![FriendlyCurmudgeon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friendlycurmudgeon/32/5786_2.png) [@FriendlyCurmudgeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriendlyCurmudgeon)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2021, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/3 "2021-01-24T23:01:58Z")
Since she worked for you and you obviously new her husband, yeah I would ask. It be more strange not to. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2021, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/4 "2021-01-24T23:05:37Z")
You could say something like Ive kept you and Husband in my thoughts all these years glad you reached out, how have you been doing? She could share any updates since you asked about him? ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/5 "2021-01-25T00:37:56Z")
“How are you and your family?” ---
**Author:** ![flurb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@flurb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flurb)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/6 "2021-01-25T00:47:05Z")
I would just ask. If he has passed, you’re unlikely to be the first person to ask about him without knowing. I think it would likely be more awkward and more painful if you try to dance around it. ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/7 "2021-01-25T00:51:01Z")
> [@chela](#): > > You could say something like Ive kept you and Husband in my thoughts all these years glad you reached out, how have you been doing? She could share any updates since you asked about him? I was going to say just ask, but this is quite elegant and puts the ball in her court for how much to divulge. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/8 "2021-01-25T00:59:42Z")
Ask. She’ll tell you what she wants you to know. ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/9 "2021-01-25T06:32:14Z")
> [@FriendlyCurmudgeon](#): > > Since she worked for you and you obviously new her husband, yeah I would ask. It be more strange not to. I’m not sure why it’s obvious I knew her husband. I got the information about what happened from her, at work. I may have met him once, pre-injury, but I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. Anyway, I chickened out. I wrote “Let’s keep in touch, now that you’ve found me. Let me know how things are going with you.” This fit the context of the two messages, where she asked a few things about me, which I answered, but didn’t volunteer anything about herself. ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/10 "2021-01-25T07:11:05Z")
I think that’s fine. I hope you’re able to continue chatting and each of you can gradually open up more as you feel comfortable. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/11 "2021-01-25T07:53:18Z")
I came in to say this; what the OP actually said seems fine too. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/12 "2021-01-25T08:53:38Z")
I had a similar deal with a casual meeting while traveling, Out of the blue after 6 years I get a how-are-you. I’m afraid I will be thought “interested” if I ask, and I still have no clear picture. I try to ask questions requiring a I/We subject, but she has teen girls, which foils that. She has only said they bought a village house, hoping it would be romantic. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2021, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/13 "2021-01-25T09:46:24Z")
> [@chela](#): > > You could say something like Ive kept you and Husband in my thoughts all these years glad you reached out, how have you been doing? This is both tactful and elegant. Source: am widow, who occasionally got the “How’s **Other Shoe** doing?” years after his death. (There’s plenty to say bad against Facebook, but it does cut way down on stuff like that.) Well done @chela I daresay Miss Manners herself would thoroughly approve. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2021, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/14 "2021-01-26T02:53:49Z")
Can you just google his name + “obituary”? That’s what I would do if I were concerned about putting my foot in it. It won’t catch absolutely every instance but it certain lowers the chances of me making an @$$ of myself. Which I manage to do so incredibly often . . . Love Chela’s answer. ---
**Author:** ![ASL\_v2.0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asl_v2.0/32/3525_2.png) [@ASL\_v2.0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ASL_v2.0)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2021, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/15 "2021-01-26T03:34:37Z")
Maybe coming in late to the party, but a way to approach this is to ask, “How’s the family?” Open ended. Doesn’t specify a particular family member. Lets her answer in a way she feels comfortable, not revealing things she’d prefer not to reveal. It could be a generic, “Fine.” It could be, “Oh, \_\_\_ is (are) doing well, but \_\_\_ passed last year.” Entirely up to her. ---
**Author:** ![74westy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/74westy/32/3950_2.png) [@74westy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/74westy)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2021, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/16 "2021-01-26T16:20:45Z")
I have an acquaintance I run into once every couple of years who knew me and Mrs. 74westy before we were married. Whenever I run into him, he does a big song and dance about, “Oh, it’s so awkward to ask about someone’s spouse when so many people break up blah blah blah.” Eventually, he asks how she is and I say, fine. Whatever you do, don’t do that. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2021, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/contacted-by-a-former-co-worker-she-is-now-77-do-i-ask-about-her-husband-need-answer-fast/931396/17 "2021-01-26T17:09:21Z")
Oh, uh… I’m afraid that response passed away 10 posts ago :awkward:.