# Control your children!
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [December 1, 2008, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213 "2008-12-01T18:13:03Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/1 "2008-12-01T18:13:03Z")
Dear Clueless Parents;
We go over this time, and time again, yet nothing seems to sink in through your thick skulls, when you are out in public, for example, at a retail store that sells expensive consumer electronics, you need to CONTROL YOUR FUCKING CROTCH-APPLES!
Yes, that means _YOU_, psychotic paranoid\*\* mother, no, we _DON’T_ appreciate your “little snowflake” screaming at the top of his fool lungs, climbing on displays, pulling inventory off the slatwall and strewing it all over the floor, and toddling around carrying a pointy metal pegboard hook, looking for stuff to hit with it, i’m sure
if your _precious_ little “snowflake” can’t behave, I’m afraid I will have no choice but to get out the _HEAT GUN!_
and NO, your little hellspawn’s displays of wanton destruction and temper were NOT cute, they were NOT endearing, and they were NOT funny, he’s a terror, and not welcome in this store, nor is his mother
That goes doubly for _YOU_ too, Mr. Absentee Father (different customer), that’s right, go ahead, ignore Junior’s ear-splitting 140 decibel screaming and temper tantrums, ignore him like he’s not there, also, try to keep your little demon OUT OF THE SERVICE AREA!!!
I AM NOT A BABYSITTER, and your little demon IS NOT WELCOME back here, thankfully, I was able to stop him in his tracks with my patented "Look-Of-Death Glare"™, I simply affixed him with a cold, evil “I could rip off your head as much as look at you” stare that stopped his progress dead in his tracks, he almost dropped the game he was carrying around
I do appreciate you carrying him out of the Employees Only area and verbally reprimanding him, but he shouldn’t have gotten back here in the first place, he got lucky, as the next phase in my Brat-Repellant arsenal is a deep, guttural muttering to myself, with an occasional look-and-snarl at your brat
He should count himself lucky he didn’t get up to the “Extremely Pointed Look” stage, as that has been known to cause children and small pets to start running away in abject terror, but I didn’t think I needed to escalate to the WMD level, yet
thankfully, the manager took care of the problem for me, asked you to control your brat, you got all huffy and left, good riddance!
\*\*this “customer” bought a factory-new, unopened laptop from us, and no less than two days later, wanted to return it because the inner packaging was “double sealed” and she “didn’t trust it” and thought we were “pulling a fast one” on her, even though the computer was factory new, and we had not opened even the outer box, she called every day, and was verbally abusive to the sales staff, when she did return it, she even wanted us to delete her customer information, real class act, this one…
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### Author:  [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/2 "2008-12-01T18:15:24Z")
Ah, Christmas.
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### Author:  [@WolfpackJeep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WolfpackJeep)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/3 "2008-12-01T18:32:35Z")
> [@MacTech](#):
>
> CROTCH-APPLES
Did you pick that to match your user name? 😃
As a person who has encountered far too many snot- and saliva-coated products on shelves, I applaud your rant.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/4 "2008-12-01T18:34:24Z")
Crotch apples. Jesus, that’s as good as if not better than ‘fuck trophies.’ I love the poetry vitriol inspires.
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### Author:  [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/5 "2008-12-01T18:41:25Z")
Nope, I was simply looking for a both amusing and derogatory put-down for these little hellspawns
I _did_ consider calling them “examples why birth-control is _GOOD_” but thought that might be a tad extreme, I mean both these brats are almost as bad as the one in the ad linked below…
\*\*WARNING, MUTE YOUR SPEAKERS BEFORE CLICKING THE LINK BELOW, \*\* you’ll thank me later…
[Perfect Example of why Birth Control is GOOD!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nojWJ6-XmeQ)
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### Author:  [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/6 "2008-12-01T18:44:49Z")
Crotch Apple and Fuck Trophy.
Subscribing to thread.
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### Author:  [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/7 "2008-12-01T18:54:14Z")
Why doI get ads for Stun Guns, Peper Spray and Tasers?
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/8 "2008-12-01T18:56:28Z")
But…you don’t understand! If you as a parent have completely bought into the Cult of the Child mentality, it means that nothing your child does is wrong, because your child is choosing to do it, and everything a child does is the most wonderful thing EVER! Everyone else and everything on the planet exists only to service and entertain you and your loin fruit, and you became a fully realized human being only when said fruit popped out. Sheesh. It’s like you don’t even understand the world we’re living in.
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### Author:  [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/9 "2008-12-01T19:07:10Z")
I worked at KMart in high school, and saw this crap all the time.
The worst incident was when I responded to a customer complaint about kids in the toy section. I came upon two little boys shooting at each other with little rubber pellet guns. As soon as they saw me, and it took a moment, they simultaneously put the guns behind their backs and said ‘We didn’t do it’. They went on to explain that the guns and ammo were already off the shelves and opened when they got here, and they didn’t do anything wrong, and their mom said they could do it. I asked for the guns back, and they just took a step backward. When I reached out, one of them yelled NO loudly, attracting the attention of said mom. She came over and demanded to know who I was, what I was doing to her kids, and why I had given them guns. I didn’t get two words out of my mouth before she cut me off with the ‘I’m never shopping here again’ tirade, and grabbed her kids and stormed out, yelling the whole way. I got yelled at by my manager, even though he could not actually tell me what I did wrong.
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### Author:  [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/10 "2008-12-01T19:11:48Z")
I’m reminded of a sign I saw in a store… “Unattended children will be given a double espresso and a puppy.”
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### Author:  [@Gukumatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gukumatz)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/11 "2008-12-01T19:38:15Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#):
>
> I’m reminded of a sign I saw in a store… “Unattended children will be given a double espresso and a puppy.”
Hah! I saw something similiar in Oslo (Nille, for the ones keeping score) last tuesday. “Barn uten oppsyn vil bli gitt flytende sukker og et gratis trommesett.” (Unattended children will be given liquid sugar and a complementary drum set.)
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### Author:  [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/12 "2008-12-01T19:38:58Z")
but that would just make the problem _WORSE_, you’d end up with screaming hyperactive brats wired up on Caffiene, if anything, unattended brats should be given Thorazine and a puppy
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### Author:  [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/13 "2008-12-01T19:40:38Z")
I totally understand where you are coming from on this one! I once worked at a candle store and when a kid actually started \*eating the display candles \*and I took them away from him so that he would stop destroying company property his father yelled at me for getting in the way of his parenting. Asshole.
If the parents appear to be doing their best at controlling the situation I have no complaints. Sometimes kids are jerks, just like everyone else, and that is just part of being out in public. Parents who are aware and doing what they can to take care of things have nothing but my support and sympathy. Parents who wander off and leave their kids to tear open packages in the cookie aisle make me want to scream and stab people.
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### Author:  [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dread_Pirate_Jimbo)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/14 "2008-12-01T19:44:39Z")
Excellent rant. Kudos! Although I think there should be mandatory retraining of anyone who steps into the “Employees Only” area, regardless of age. And by retraining, I mean a half a dozen TASERings. 🙂
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### Author:  [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/15 "2008-12-01T19:59:42Z")
> [@featherlou](#):
>
> But…you don’t understand! If you as a parent have completely bought into the Cult of the Child mentality, it means that nothing your child does is wrong, because your child is choosing to do it, and everything a child does is the most wonderful thing EVER! Everyone else and everything on the planet exists only to service and entertain you and your loin fruit, and you became a fully realized human being only when said fruit popped out. Sheesh. It’s like you don’t even understand the world we’re living in.
So, explain, for example\*\*, how it’s “wonderful” that little Damien takes a metal pegboard peg and proceeds to use it to bash in the (non-tempered\*\*\*) glass display panel and LCD display of, oh, lets say, the store’s 24" iMac demo unit
\*\* purely theoretical thought experiment, thankfully “Damien” didn’t do this, but for the sake of argument, lets say he did
\*\*\* the _glass_ is non-tempered, Damien is fully-tempered…
and a final question, who’s going to pay to get the bloodstains off the counter and carpeting when Damien cuts himself on the resulting glass shards, blood-covered displays and carpeting are truly unsightly and can drive away actual _paying_ customers…
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### Author:  [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/16 "2008-12-01T20:08:20Z")
> [@MacTech](#):
>
> and a final question, who’s going to pay to get the bloodstains off the counter and carpeting when Damien cuts himself on the resulting glass shards, blood-covered displays and carpeting are truly unsightly and can drive away actual _paying_ customers…
That’s ART! They should sue you for not rushing to cut it out so they can fix it to their fridge.
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### Author:  [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/17 "2008-12-01T20:16:15Z")
> [@MacTech](#):
>
> but that would just make the problem _WORSE_, you’d end up with screaming hyperactive brats wired up on Caffiene, if anything, unattended brats should be given Thorazine and a puppy
No, you don’t understand. Said hopped-up kids and puppies (or drum sets) will have to go home eventually.
[QUOTE=featherlou]
But…you don’t understand! If you as a parent have completely bought into the Cult of the Child mentality, it means that nothing your child does is wrong, because your child is choosing to do it, and everything a child does is the most wonderful thing EVER! Everyone else and everything on the planet exists only to service and entertain you and your loin fruit, and you became a fully realized human being only when said fruit popped out. Sheesh. It’s like you don’t even understand the world we’re living in.
[/QUOTE]
Wow - I lose all sorts of Dad points whenever the boys and I go out.
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### Author:  [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/18 "2008-12-01T20:22:20Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#):
>
> No, you don’t understand. Said hopped-up kids and puppies (or drum sets) will have to go home eventually.
True, but in the meantime they would still be in the store, irritating staff and legitimate customers, the only way that this concept would work is if the hellions were given said stimulants and _immediately_ removed from the premises and sent home (or at least to another store out of my sight and earshot…)
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### Author:  [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/19 "2008-12-01T20:22:57Z")
That’s the beauty of drum sets. If you give it to the kid directly, he or she knows they now have a drum set, and the parents get to be jerks for taking it away.
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### Author:  [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2008, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/control-your-children/475213/20 "2008-12-01T20:49:02Z")
I have no idea why I know this, but it seems that **MacTech** posts this same rant [once](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=433204) [a year](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=400116).
I think maybe I remember these threads because I am always thinking “why do people keep bringing nasty kids into the Mac fixit shop?”
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