# Convince us you're not responsible for the Zombie Apocalypse. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 19, 2011, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101 "2011-10-19T02:28:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/41 "2011-10-19T20:46:56Z")
My Ex was not in Connecticut at the time. Nobody who knows anything at all about me would ever imagine I would waste perfectly good zombies on any town that doesn’t contain my ex. ---
**Author:** ![Makeitstop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bb73d2/32.png) [@Makeitstop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Makeitstop)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/42 "2011-10-19T20:50:35Z")
I can’t deny that my experiments in necromancy may contribute to my being a suspect. But it is important to note that my expertise is limited to zombie hordes that are immune to the ‘Alaska Effect’, i.e., they do not freeze due to of a lack of body heat. Because of this, I think it is clear that any outbreak I _would_ be responsible for would take place during early/late winter, so as to take full advantage of and completely test this particular brand of research. As far as an alibi, I have my entire zombie vampire coven to vouch that I was in the middle of writing a manifesto on the worth of my reserch while this entire incident was taking place. As such, I can unequivicably state that I am not resposible for this particular zombie outbreak. But I do offer my services as a zombie expert should the authorities need help finding the real ‘mastermind’ behind this easily-foiled plot of world domination/destruction. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/43 "2011-10-19T21:03:38Z")
> [@Makeitstop](#): > > my entire zombie vampire coven Who…what…how…I… Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/44 "2011-10-20T02:33:16Z")
Zombies? Pffft. Those are [Lizzie’s Domain.](http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319077872&sr=8-1) Besides they refuse to stand still for a portrait and they don’t like blind dates. ---
**Author:** ![horsetech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dec6dc/32.png) [@horsetech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/horsetech)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/45 "2011-10-20T06:51:44Z")
I was stuck in an alternate universe for 6 months thanks to another one of Skald’s fucking “hypothetical” experiments. Hey Skald, make it a little more hypothetical next time. At the very least, you could help me with my alibi as poor recompense for half a year of living in the jungle eating ants and being pursued by cyborgs. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/46 "2011-10-20T06:54:27Z")
> [@horsetech](#): > > I was stuck in an alternate universe for 6 months thanks to another one of Skald’s fucking “hypothetical” experiments. Hey Skald, make it a little more hypothetical next time. At the very least, you could help me with my alibi as poor recompense for half a year of living in the jungle eating ants and being pursued by cyborgs. Weren’t the sexbots enough? Jeez. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2011, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/47 "2011-10-20T14:03:43Z")
> [@horsetech](#): > > I was stuck in an alternate universe for 6 months thanks to another one of Skald’s fucking “hypothetical” experiments. Hey Skald, make it a little more hypothetical next time. At the very least, you could help me with my alibi as poor recompense for half a year of living in the jungle eating ants and being pursued by cyborgs. If you’re not going to keep your hyperspace phone charged so you can call for rescue, that is hardly my fault. ---
**Author:** ![Dahnlor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dahnlor/32/533_2.png) [@Dahnlor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dahnlor)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/48 "2011-10-21T00:16:07Z")
Do I look like a zombie master to you? ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/49 "2011-10-21T02:53:16Z")
My post is my cite. (That should work nicely round here.) ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/50 "2011-10-21T03:40:46Z")
> [@wevets](#): > > would I have this Orbital Mind Control Laser under construction in the basement? _pfft_ So 20 years ago. I bought 2wire and built it into every wifi router. Won’t tell you what I’ve been doing since, but there is a reason Apple is considered a cult. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/51 "2011-10-21T03:58:36Z")
Of course I cast the spell. I was hired to move the town’s cemetery by the local mayor. I have all the paperwork here, officer. The spell was supposed to simply reconstruct and animate the town’s dead so that they could carry their head stones and mausolea three miles to the north. The original cemetery parcel was ideal for placing a high-end mall (both Dippin’ Dots and Pier One had expressed interest) and having the dead move their own graves allowed them to come in significantly under budget. Unfortuantely the virgin’s blood I purchased from [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) appears to have been from a “technical virgin”. And while her lady’s gate had not been defiled, her \*other \*cavities had seen much use. As any first year thaumaturgic apprentice knows, use of non virginal blood doesn’t sate the disquiet of the dead. So\* there you have it\*, shambling hoard of hungry, infectious, evil. I’m certainly sorry about the incident, but really, your legal recourse must be taken up with the blood vendor. Good day! [slams door] ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/52 "2011-10-21T04:00:24Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > If you’re not going to keep your hyperspace phone charged so you can call for rescue, that is hardly my fault. What back-alley universe did you get these phones from? I’ve never even heard of a hyperspace phone that didn’t have a universal-angular-momentum power tap. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/53 "2011-10-21T05:01:37Z")
The new iPerspace phone. Lots of angular-momentum units are failing. If you take it back to the store they’ll replace it. In a few months they’ll cost less. ---
**Author:** ![Postariti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Postariti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Postariti)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/54 "2011-10-21T06:24:06Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Sorry, what’s your PayPal account again? My PayPal account is under the leftmost dumpster behind the old Wal Mart (no, not that old Wal Mart, the other old Wal Mart). ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/55 "2011-10-21T13:13:16Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > What back-alley universe did you get these phones from? I’ve never even heard of a hyperspace phone that didn’t have a universal-angular-momentum power tap. That shit’s expensive. **Anaamika** , **S’kat** , and the other people on the Short List Of Dopers Never To Be Harmed and Always To Be Rescued Without Delay get them, 'cause they’re special. The rest of you are supposed to supply your own. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101/56 "2011-10-21T13:33:21Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > including the entire population of Stars Hollow, home of [Lorelai Gilmore](http://maaadddog.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/lauren-graham-20.jpg) – became voodie take-out. [Rory Gilmore](http://www.google.com/imgres?q=alexis+bledel+hot&um=1&hl=en&newwindow=1&safe=off&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&tbm=isch&tbnid=njOvuFh5y0ajtM:&imgrefurl=http://www.santabanta.com/photos/alexis-bledel/9373001-1p.htm&docid=jJHB7ld8WStCKM&imgurl=http://media1.santabanta.com/full1/global%252520celebrities%28f%29/alexis%252520bledel/ale1v.jpg&w=1024&h=768&ei=WjOeTtW6F6SQsAKTvaTyCQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=438&sig=116175622919518015217&page=2&tbnh=114&tbnw=147&start=25&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:25&tx=42&ty=48&biw=1280&bih=612) was eaten in mid-pout. It was all very sad. …am I the Only one who heard that damned “[La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la](http://bit.ly/3cTOD2)” song in their heads while visualizing that brain-munch fest??? Ok, I’ll confess. I did it. It all started when I buried a set of the Season 1 DVDs in a Pet Cemetary… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/convince-us-youre-not-responsible-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/600101.md?page=2)